When Santa got stuck up the chimney it caused such a scene
Chaos broke out everywhere, the worst I’ve ever seen.
People standing watching while others did their jobs
Upsetting our new neighbours which was fine for they are snobs.
Snow was falling thickly the temperature had dropped
A blizzard started earlier and it just hadn’t stopped.
Someone heard his cries for help so they called nine one one
They thought the caller joking, thought he was having fun.
Six firemen and their tender were the first ones to arrive
Hoping when they got there that Santa was alive.
They extended up their ladder till it reached the chimney stack
But they couldn’t see poor Santa their view blocked by a sack.
Next arrived the policemen to cordon off the square
To hold back all the nosey folk who came from everywhere.
A keeper from the local zoo was the next guy to appear
Summoned by authorities to look after nine reindeer.
They’d munched upon our borders and chewed our Christmas wreath
There wasn’t really anything safe from all those teeth.
TV crews then battled to get a better view
Behind the lights of police cars flashing red and blue.
Police held back bystanders letting builders and their tools
Make their way to our house past the hoards of shivering fools.
Scaffolding erected they began to deconstruct
The brickwork where it was thought Santa had got stuck.
There’s hotdog stalls and burger vans, ice cream stands there as well
Our street is fast becoming a scene straight out of hell.
Two tired paramedics at the end of a long day
Yawned and asked each other was this really worth their pay,
To sit here for a fat man who really should know more
Than to try to use a chimney when theres always been a door.
Our chimneys near demolished and still he’s not been found
The brickworks gone, the builders are almost at the ground.
And now there someone at the door with a briefcase and a scowl
The underwriters lackey making sure there’s nothing foul.
He sat upon our sofa, glasses hanging from his ears
he said he’d never known the likes in all his working years.
Then there was a rumble, a crash, a cloud of soot
A sack appeared, a tattered suit, a belt and one right boot.
And when the dust had settled and we could see around
Although his clothes where on the floor Santa wasn’t found.
So now then I will tell you what the underwriter said
As he wiped with a hanky the sweat off his forehead.
“Santa did a runner as he was not insured,”
The reindeer too, they were gone from where they had been moored.
So now I’m out a fortune having all these repairs done
And did Santa leave a present, not a single ****** one.

"Tis the eve before Christmas and nights silence abounds.
Darkness has fallen and only slight breeze to make sounds.
All down the quiet street each house light is now turned out.
Many hours since merry occupants were moving about.
Tucked tight in their beds are each young girl and small boy,
awaiting the morn of Santa inspired mirth and pure joy.
I sit crouched in the hedge my senses alert and aloof,
This year I'll get him before his reindeer ***** on my roof.

Jolly antlers
Curling happily like fingers do
Adornment of a stranger's imagination

Funny toothless braying
A beautiful accompaniment to the white rocks
"Ting ting"
The bell strung from your neck joyously speaks your odd truth

Tender plodding of new hooves,
The scabs of your retelling leave their own interpretation of your metamorphosis
You may be reconfigured
But you are complete
My little reindeer

Prickles of the pine
it's reindeer time
across the moon at night
like fireflies in flight
buzzing little beez
elves in Christmas trees
Santa's gift to us,
kids happiness and love.

Rudolph The Red stayed in his shed
Unhappy with minimum wage
He refused to get started
Cos he wasn't rewarded
With the promised end of year raise

Rudolph The Red sang with his friends
And staged an all-advent sit-in
But Santa just smiled
Cos his jet had been fuelled
In advance for such an occasion

Rudolph The Red looked overhead
While Santa sped round the world
When Santa got back
With his large empty sack
His workshop was empty of Elves

Rudolph The Red was no longer led
By thoughts of personal gain
He'd formed his first union
With Elves and ten snowmen
And the workers were free once again

Uncle Christmas
was mucking out
happily mucking in
and wondering
what might have been
had his twin not been sneakier
and the first to emerge
to claim the Father moniker.

Uncle found to his surprise
he was quite content to be
the deputy
and not have the pressure
at the top of the Christmas hierarchy.

Rather he was happier
working with the reindeer,
being grubbier, a little smellier,
leaving his brother
to bear the mantle that was heavier.
However at each and every Christmas dinner
when the family all got together 
Uncle still insisted with a jocular grin
that compared to his twin
he was far better looking
and definitely
relatively
slim.

We all know about Rudolph
and how his nose lights up the night
And olive, the other reindeer
Who help Santa with his flight

But, there's one who is forgotten
From the Christmas songs and rhymes
And I think you should hear about him
Yes, I think it is about time

Randy was a reindeer
He liked to play the reindeer games
But he too, was like Rudolph
And the others called him names

Randy, wasn't much at flying
Didn't like going out most nights
Randy, well, he was just different
You see, he was afraid of heights

He couldn't see where he was going
Either in the day or night
You see Randy needed glasses
He had a problem with his sight

His balance was in question
Always falling to the ground
If a reindeer falls in the forest
Does that reindeer make a sound?

He had a skin condition
He needed special cream to help
The harness didn't help him
In fact, it made him yelp

He was shorter than the others
And his stride was a bit off
And when Santa came to see him
Randy had a nervous cough

He didn't like the female reindeer
He liked the males, more than he should
Randy was "light up in the antlers"
And to Santa, that's no good

Santa couldn't fly with Randy
Randy's name, it was all wrong
It screamed out Broadway not of Christmas
It didn't work in all the songs

Santa said "you're a strange reindeer"
"You can't fly, you're blind and gay"
"And if you led my team out"
"We'd not be done in just one day"

"I'm sorry, reindeer Randy"
"I have to cut you from the team"
"They play one side,you're another"
"If you know what Santa means"

So, Randy, he just wanders
Round the north pole all the while
Bumping into things and falling
With his light antlers and strange smile

He's not a famous reindeer
And I think that it's ok
That Santa has a reindeer
Who, we now all know is gay.