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Fremont, CA
I love to write poems and reflections which celebrate recovery and my faith in Jesus Christ. If you are interested in more of my work, ...
Poems
Emma Oct 2013
I will never fully be recovered
Emma
Oct 2013
It has come to the end of my program everybody, Saturday will be the three month mark!
I am finally going home, to my mother, my friends, my old life. finally going home back to where it all began.
I'm going back to my old life. no more daily meetings or special routines, no more smoking areas or 30 minutes of being watched after I eat. no more non-usage of sharp objects or everything else they consider harmful.
saddest thing they cannot take is my fingers or mind. my hands or insecurities
I am so afraid I'll slip. I don't want to end up back where I was
but I'm hoping for the best and believing in myself for once.
I have a disease. Bulimia is my sickness and self-mutilation is my crutch
I've always been so ******* myself, always got into some new addiction or harmful habits.
but this just had to be the worse of all
everyday I carved at my body, leaving little memories
everyday I threw up my insides, wanting to be beautiful
Every **** day
I hated myself.
but I'm better.
it's not much, but I am.
I'm ready for my old life .
I'm scared as ****, but I know this time it'll be different
~
I have learned so much while being here, and I'm so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. It's been a battle against myself and I will never fully be recovered.
I didn't have any friends while out here or my mom, it's surprising that I only had my brother and hundreds of people I never knew to lean on.
I've been so lost and selfish for so long and I'm finally realizing that I do have people who care. I do have people that I just can't let down
and most importantly,
one of those persons
is
myself.
I want to be happy and I'm willing to try.
I want to be independent so that I can show everybody that I can do this and that I'm ready to move on.
It will most definitely be a struggle, my problems will never go away; however this time, I'm ready to try and be the old me.
I want to be the happy Emma, the smart Emma, the Emma that everyone used to love.
not this sad, sick girl who has taken over.
I will never fully be recovered, but I'm ready to let go and live.
I can do this, I know I can.
Emma can do this, I know she can.
*I will never fully be recovered, but I'm happy and ok.
and that's good enough
I am finally going home, to my mother, my friends, my old life. finally going home back to where it all began.
I'm going back to my old life. no more daily meetings or special routines, no more smoking areas or 30 minutes of being watched after I eat. no more non-usage of sharp objects or everything else they consider harmful.
saddest thing they cannot take is my fingers or mind. my hands or insecurities
I am so afraid I'll slip. I don't want to end up back where I was
but I'm hoping for the best and believing in myself for once.
I have a disease. Bulimia is my sickness and self-mutilation is my crutch
I've always been so ******* myself, always got into some new addiction or harmful habits.
but this just had to be the worse of all
everyday I carved at my body, leaving little memories
everyday I threw up my insides, wanting to be beautiful
Every **** day
I hated myself.
but I'm better.
it's not much, but I am.
I'm ready for my old life .
I'm scared as ****, but I know this time it'll be different
~
I have learned so much while being here, and I'm so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. It's been a battle against myself and I will never fully be recovered.
I didn't have any friends while out here or my mom, it's surprising that I only had my brother and hundreds of people I never knew to lean on.
I've been so lost and selfish for so long and I'm finally realizing that I do have people who care. I do have people that I just can't let down
and most importantly,
one of those persons
is
myself.
I want to be happy and I'm willing to try.
I want to be independent so that I can show everybody that I can do this and that I'm ready to move on.
It will most definitely be a struggle, my problems will never go away; however this time, I'm ready to try and be the old me.
I want to be the happy Emma, the smart Emma, the Emma that everyone used to love.
not this sad, sick girl who has taken over.
I will never fully be recovered, but I'm ready to let go and live.
I can do this, I know I can.
Emma can do this, I know she can.
*I will never fully be recovered, but I'm happy and ok.
and that's good enough
not a poem, just so exuberant I'm going home. It's been tough and I'll always have this disease but I've learned a lot these past couple of months and I'm ready.
Sia Jane Jan 2014
Axis 1: Anorexia Nervosa
Sia Jane
Jan 2014
Diagnosis: Anorexia Nervosa
Status: Recovered.
So my point in writing... am I doing this for myself? Maybe... or to inspire others? Maybe...
Or to simply just show and say, that I am through this. Through what? Through all that growth that you encounter when you truly engage yourself in recovery.
This does not mean I will not grow further, learn more. Develop and engage. It doesn’t mean I have been able to shut the door once and for all on my mental health struggles (I was trying to be as politically correct towards myself using that term).
It means, I trust, I believe, and not naively, that I have done the hard work.
I have stepped outside of the mirror.
I no longer believe I can only live half way, a half life, between sickness and wellness.
It means, I know, I will never, get sick again.
Many may laugh, or shake their heads at that. And yet, what I am writing here is filled with so much faith and trust, that I can be sure of myself. Even if no one else in the world believes it, I do. And I know it, because I have made a choice.
There were some backwards and forwards, to relapses and re-growths, but each and every fall, I chose to learn. I chose to take to therapy. I chose.
I choose life. And so that means, the commitment to life, to myself, that I will always take the route that leads to more life, or to more hope...
And so getting well. What happened there? Well, after years of self abuse, of anger turned inwards, after trying to destroy myself in every single way possible... I wondered, inquisitively, what would happen if I used all I had learnt in hospital, all the positive energy directed at me, the words my therapist would say to me... I wondered, what if?
That if, turned out to be the most amazing curiosity. It is why I am safe, well, “recovered.” I don’t use the term recovered lightly. I recognise that my whole life will mean being mindful, it will mean self awareness, it will mean vulnerability. But what I am certain of, is that each year that passes, I grow and gain strength in ways I never realised I could.
I use “recovered” because I don’t believe I am “in recovery.” I have done the recovery. I have done the putting food in my mouth, consulting a nutritionist, the ridiculous amount of weight gain that allowed me to be healthy. I am done with the depression, the endless anxiety, the self harm.
I say “recovered” because as Marya Hornbacher writes: “I mean flat-out eat-normally stay-healthy get-comfortable-with-your-body-and-actually-like-it recovery.”
Few believe it exists. In fact, I was told my numerous doctors I would never recover. I would always be chronic. Sick. In need of hospital.
It exists. I know that. Because it exists for me.
Recovering has meant finding a voice, and using it. It means putting food in my mouth, it means seeing friends, engaging in life, seeking out healthy ways of coping when I feel overwhelmed, scared, anxious...
I live.
© Sia Jane
Status: Recovered.
So my point in writing... am I doing this for myself? Maybe... or to inspire others? Maybe...
Or to simply just show and say, that I am through this. Through what? Through all that growth that you encounter when you truly engage yourself in recovery.
This does not mean I will not grow further, learn more. Develop and engage. It doesn’t mean I have been able to shut the door once and for all on my mental health struggles (I was trying to be as politically correct towards myself using that term).
It means, I trust, I believe, and not naively, that I have done the hard work.
I have stepped outside of the mirror.
I no longer believe I can only live half way, a half life, between sickness and wellness.
It means, I know, I will never, get sick again.
Many may laugh, or shake their heads at that. And yet, what I am writing here is filled with so much faith and trust, that I can be sure of myself. Even if no one else in the world believes it, I do. And I know it, because I have made a choice.
There were some backwards and forwards, to relapses and re-growths, but each and every fall, I chose to learn. I chose to take to therapy. I chose.
I choose life. And so that means, the commitment to life, to myself, that I will always take the route that leads to more life, or to more hope...
And so getting well. What happened there? Well, after years of self abuse, of anger turned inwards, after trying to destroy myself in every single way possible... I wondered, inquisitively, what would happen if I used all I had learnt in hospital, all the positive energy directed at me, the words my therapist would say to me... I wondered, what if?
That if, turned out to be the most amazing curiosity. It is why I am safe, well, “recovered.” I don’t use the term recovered lightly. I recognise that my whole life will mean being mindful, it will mean self awareness, it will mean vulnerability. But what I am certain of, is that each year that passes, I grow and gain strength in ways I never realised I could.
I use “recovered” because I don’t believe I am “in recovery.” I have done the recovery. I have done the putting food in my mouth, consulting a nutritionist, the ridiculous amount of weight gain that allowed me to be healthy. I am done with the depression, the endless anxiety, the self harm.
I say “recovered” because as Marya Hornbacher writes: “I mean flat-out eat-normally stay-healthy get-comfortable-with-your-body-and-actually-like-it recovery.”
Few believe it exists. In fact, I was told my numerous doctors I would never recover. I would always be chronic. Sick. In need of hospital.
It exists. I know that. Because it exists for me.
Recovering has meant finding a voice, and using it. It means putting food in my mouth, it means seeing friends, engaging in life, seeking out healthy ways of coping when I feel overwhelmed, scared, anxious...
I live.
© Sia Jane
I wrote this 4 years ago, for EDAW (Eating Disorder Awareness Week) It is heavily edited, in that I have chopped two pieces which felt the most important from the rest of the story. Other than that it remains untouched. I hope this can help carry us into February and continue to raise awareness.