Delirium.
Here is a time when I know nothing
Yet seemingly everything, all at once.
Pretension.
Addicted in the feeling
Of a lifetime of exaggerations.
Encapsulation of a behavior
And vice I always envisioned
Feared, even.

Evasion.
A method I turn to;
To escape that which I always
Thought would shatter me
My whole personality.

But am I even sure what that is?

How abysmal, small, insignificant.
I realize at times
What I consider to be what
Matters most
Means nothing at all.

Hazy, fleeting, floating
In an atmosphere where I feel joy most—
Illusion. It wasn't joy at all
But freedom—

Still, it could be.

Uncertain.
Haphazard thoughts crash
Against my inhibitions.

Still, I am me.

I cry, laugh, smile, frown
For all sorts of reasons

Still, I will be.

For what I am:
The boy I knew
The man I grew to
Hating and Loving
Endearing and Enduring
Will always stay within.
I shall never forget
Who I was yesterday
And what I shall be
Tomorrow.

These confessions of realizations.
Things I never said—
Wanted to say,
Always
But never managed to.

To you who closed the doors.
To my struggling, elusive honesty.
Then inevitable it was
That I grew tired and besotted
With what we had
Where I could neither retreat
Nor advance towards Elysium.

Delirium.
Encapsulation—
Everything that I am
Towards the void
We find ourselves.
Finally, surrender was all I had
To save my drowning conceptual notion
Of all I perceive
Of whom I am
Of whom I was
And who I will be
From further despair.

Oblivion.
Emergence—
From the cocoon I've wrapped myself in.
Eternally questioning: am I free?
Have I grown from what we had
Or do I remain as myself,
Complete, as I view
The aspired self I lost
Along the way?

still.

Remembrance—
The Preservation of what needs to be
Propagating the lesions I earned
From you.
The imagination I conjured
In hopes of a better
Cause and outcome.

Finality. Nihility.
This moment shall be the end.

Of us.

Destroying what elated,
But ironically
Hunted all that I can give.

Remembrance—
The good times
The bad times
I shall carry
Perpetually
Wherever the winds,
The lightning,
and the Imaginary,
Shan't take
This delusional life I led.

why do i always
go after myself

pick apart every
single thought

tear myself to
pieces and

find excuses
to not have a
heart?

life doesn't go
according to plan

and two years in
i'm caught in-between
lies i told myself

that buried me
deep within.

there's no mystery
i lived in
make-believe

it was a safety-net,
a fantasy
that made me believe

it could one day be.

but one day,
i woke up and realized

feeling sorry for myself
only goes so far, and leaves
me paralyzed.

i had to move on
from this nightmare.

i had to finally
move past,
and leave behind,

the memories with
rose-colored eyes.

Final exams start Thursday,
and it’s giving us all the feels.

Finals have a gravity of their own.
Are the papers worse than exams? Maybe.
The tension can be relentless and heavy.
“It’s finals week, see you on the other side.”

As for me, I’m almost packed up.
Time is an odd and unpredictable beast.
It’s hard to believe that in two weeks, I'll be a junior.
It’s an unimaginable prospect.

To work, for a long time at something that seemed impossible
- head down in concentration - then suddenly, like a passing,
cotton cloud somehow became a bunny - everything came into focus.

I’m halfway done. I’m going to make it. I got a chill.

I wanted to throw my lattice windows wide open and scream for joy
- but it might’ve been taken wrong. I’ve no time to give mental health advisors.

Next week might be a more plausible time for wooting.

‘Realizations of a Yogi' is not just some theory
It is the life experience of a Yogi
In a Quest for the truth, an account, a testament
Realizations and experiences that led to Enlightenment

Are you seeking to find the true purpose of life?
Are you in a quest of a way to be free from strife?
Then, you have a treasure right in your hand
That will liberate you from returning to this land

You can get knowledge in any college
But the eternal truth is hard to find
It is a very personal experience that happens
When one transcends the body, ego and mind

It all starts when you go in a quest
You put all your beliefs to test
The first thing you must do is unlearn Only then, wisdom of life will you earn

To get to the matter's root
You have to Ask, Investigate and Realize the truth
And to do this, it's not enough to be an ace
You have to have the Divine grace


A seeker of the truth, who has this passion
To realize God, if this is his mission
Then in his journey, a Master he will meet
Who will make his life complete

It's all about finding a Spiritual coach
And for this, you don't search, you don't need to approach
The Yogi, the Guru will be there waiting
If you are on the path, if you are truly seeking

And then you will start to question every myth
You will overcome your ignorance, and realize the truth
Whatever you were taught, mostly they were lies
Even that God was someone who lived in the skies

At first, for sure, it will give you a shock
For you to change beliefs, as tough as a rock
But as you use your intellect to discriminate
It is on earth you will find heaven's gate

First you will realize, you are not the body, not the mind
You are not the ego, this truth you will find
And from the triple suffering you will be free on earth
And learn the way to escape rebirth

For this, you will realize the truth of life and death
Where you will go when you lose your breath
You are not the one who is made of bone and skin
You are that spark of life that is within

You will start living as the Divine Soul
As you attain your ultimate goal
'Realizations of a Yogi' will take you onward
To Self-Realization that will take you Godward

By questions getting answered, this is how it will begin
You will overcome ignorance as you go within
Then that Spiritual flash, you will experience one day
And to your epiphany, you will find the way

I brought nothing here, nothing is mine
There are many Realizations, we must find
We come alone and we go alone
Then, why in life, should we whine and groan?

The quest will lead us to true happiness A life of true love, peace and bliss
We will be free from worry and stress
As we overcome all unhappiness

The journey starts with Purification
And then, there will be Illumination Realization will lead to Liberation Ultimately, there will be Unification

We will realize that this world is just a show
We are just actors, we come, and we go Everything is an illusion, it is just a drama
And life is unfolding as per our Karma

We will realize that God is not God, God is SIP
We will not just repeat God's name on our lip
We will experience God in every creature on earth
Realize that the Lord manifests in every birth

One by one, the truth we will realize
Pieces of the puzzle will open our real eyes
Till one day, we will experience a transformation
And then, we will be free with Liberation

All this time, we were crawling on earth like a worm Living with beliefs, all lies, we affirmed
Till we learned to untie all the strings
To fly like a beautiful butterfly, opening our wings

This is called a metamorphosis
A transformation that is permanent, no reversal there is
We let go of the ego, we let go of ‘I’
As we become one with the Power in the sky

But this is not for everybody who lives on earth
Not each one of us can escape rebirth
If we learn from a Yogi, in life we can evolve
If we make this the priority, in the Divine we can dissolve

There will be many who will read this book
But how many will change their life's outlook?
How many will go beyond all logic?
To experience Enlightenment, the real magic?

How many will transcend all Karma in life?
How many will overcome all sorrow and strife?
How many will give up the ordinary pleasure
To achieve life's goal, unlock the real treasure?

Here I sit at my office desk. I have a million things to do but I must prioritize the most important task of all, my life realizations.

I have contemplated on the recent loss of my three-year long relationship. That chapter of my life that I thought would go on forever lasted only 1,095 pages long.  However, this is not about my current failed relationship. This is about all the boys I’ve loved before, combined (wink).

When I first experienced love, I dove in headfirst. I had no safety gears, nor did I feel the need for any. Eight months later, I had my first heartbreak. My first real heartbreak. It was the most bitter taste that I’ve ever tasted, the darkest shade of blue my eyes have ever laid on and the saddest music my ears have ever heard. I was never the same after. Life never tasted the same after him.

(Red Flag: Manifested right from the start. High School Sweetheart “ex- girlfriend” who was not yet over him and apparently, he was not over with too. )

The next time I fell in love, I came prepared.  I had all the necessary gears and read all the manuals. Take your sweet time they say, build a foundation first, become friends before you jump into anything. I did all that. I took all the necessary steps for success and yup, you’ve guessed it, it failed. My second real heartbreak tasted even worse than my first. Everything I felt before were intensified.  I did not just lose a lover; I lost a friend. I felt my heart ache and it cracked a little bit more than it did the last time. The pain was greater than anything I’ve experienced before, so I had to move quick.

(Red Flag: Manifested in the middle of the relationship. Made a very big lie. )

The relationship that followed was a love from behind closed doors.  It was not as intense as the ones that came before it. I did not lose my grip on reality; I did not lose myself. In fact, I was so in my head that I had taken it for granted. This relationship was where “I ****** up”. My heart did not break because I broke his. I had no excuse for breaking his heart when all he did was love me.

(Red Flag: Wrong love, wrong time. )

And then came my  almost “End Game”.

I was single for a long time before I met him. I went into a lot of self-discoveries and made friends. I immersed myself in my career and became someone that I am a little bit proud of. I was ready when I met him. I was ripe, I needed to be picked. But our relationship did not start with any signs of sincerity. It was rushed, it was forced, it had no romance. I was warned about him before I even started catching feelings for him. But I was so ready. I let myself fall so deep. I ignored all the signs that pointed to the exit and kept running in his maze of love, lies, abuse & manipulation. I poured everything in my cup until it’s empty. Until I had nothing left. I used to visualize my future with him until I couldn’t see anything else but signs that point to the nearest exit. I thought this would break me, but it didn’t. I grieved the relationship while I was in it that I had nothing left to grieve about when I finally decided to leave.

(Red Flag: ****** human being since birth.)

So now we get to the bottom-line of all this abstract mess. The art of contemplation sure is a tricky one.

It does not matter how we decide to fall in love because when we love, we hurt. Love always comes with hurt as the day comes with night. So maybe there is no use in overthinking it because if someone’s intention is only to hurt you, remember that the devil comes in sheep clothing. Only time can reveal a person’s true intentions, so you just sit back, enjoy the ride, but listen. Look for the signs. The moment you recognize a red flag, respect and love yourself enough to choose yourself and walk away.

I know now that loving someone does not make them love you back enough to change their ways to make you happy. It is always
THEIR.
CHOICE.

In this saga of finding answers for my unknown questions
I sometimes failed fallen and found myself lost
I sometimes felt mismatched out snatched and lonely
But ultimately, all I know is
no matter how many time it felt,
No mater how hard they hit,
I know how to deal with them.
I may be lonely some of the time, most of the time or all of the time
But after I realized that I can deal with it anyway, and then
The span did really felt secondary!

Sometime acceptance is key to forget about what took the heart's hold.
May of fold, for everything in front of you that you behold.
Cherish what still may accumulate from this cursed concept of time.
Rehearse this mere delusion as it just another illusion illustrated between bonds you may not be fond of, but it will be fine.
Push through and don't miscue.
Remember the solace in the heart but don't take forgranted it's expression.
As it very much may so be your lesson.
Times ran deary, release the fury that no longer serves you.
Don't let the tension of nerves breaththrough.
Rest in a new awake, and don't forsake a new day's break. -marty.

problems of others
are not mine to own.
they are their very own