one would never understand the things i endured
just to become bruised into softness.
like a graveyard beaten down
by the endless steps of mourners—

each footprint a weight of wanting,
each step a trial of trying.

how strange, that what i desired most became the very thing that left me hollow. teeth pressing on these lips, crimson whispers itself away, staining the dark. my chest caves, my hands remember violence, fingernails carve crescents into my palms—

all this, just so i could tame these tendencies,
until my hands forget their fists
and tremble into quiet.

the place where i am is kinder than that of outside.

here, it has no shade of light—where i cannot be seen naked with all these wounds and bruises, all these incarnadine lines in both my wrists, thighs, and all that there is that became my canvas to paint away the heaviness in my chest out of crimson patches.

here, it smothers the gray smoke my skin excretes—hiding the rousing fume of my melting and clawed body.

here, i don't have to peel off my skin to expose all the decaying layers under it—stretched throughout my forlorn body i've been hiding behind poem bandages.

here, i don't have to fold myself to hide the most disgusted fragments of me—my body and bones perfectly fit in the soil delineated by the chrysanthemum flowers—waiting to be buried.

sometimes being here made me want not to be saved and let my body soaked in too much dark euphemism to decompose. besides, any place outside here that has light only unveil all of my deformities.

any place outside here is tormenting.
any place outside here is cruel.
any place outside here is a curse.

darling, any place outside here
makes me despise myself more
and just want to disappear.

i got addicted to the emotional roller coaster

now i can't find my balance on steady ground

high hopes and low blows

love bombed me like the fireworks on your birthday

and you convinced me that wasn't the case

but who talks rings and cradles

when my hands have barely touched your soul?

we were still strangers

i should've known

i showed you the demons from my past

you swore you wouldn't hurt me like that

but you went on and did exactly just that

you left me high and dry

abandoned me without a trace

never any rhyme or reason

i made peace without closure

you tucked your tail between your legs

and ran like a scared little boy at the first sign of danger

then of course

just like clockwork

you came crawling back

begging for forgiveness

begging for my hand again

begging for love

but i've already given it to someone else

and unlike you

i have no regrets

because i would rather sit by a warm log fire on a winter's eve

than to shiver at explosive fireworks in the night sky

on any given day