Postpartum is a myth
Postpartum anxiety is a myth.
You can’t have those 2 years later.
Get over it.
You can’t have depression and postpartum depression at the same time.
You can’t have postpartum anxiety and anxiety at the same time.
You can’t have both?!
Get over it.
What if I don’t wake up?
Get over it.

The joy of my baby right before me
But I can't seem to feel it.

Loving husband on my side
But I can't seem to see it.

Precious friends with a lifeline
But I can't seem to grasp it.

A mist has settled all around
I must find my way through it.

I'll always give my all for you.
I'll always protect you.

A wavering candle trying to stay lit.
Darkness trying to swallow me whole.
To set my smokey haze upon the room.

Even in the darkness I'd see you.
Even in the quiet I'll hear you.
Even in my deepest fears, I'll hold you.

I know not how to be a stone wall.
To keep all monsters out.
Aren't guardians supposed to?
To know the fear that those before must have faced,
Is heart sickening.
The fortress we thought we were sheltered in,
Was just a picket fence.
And now I stand.
Wood shaking in the wind.
Guarding.
I cry, I scream, I bellow into the storm.
You cannot have my little girl.

I will not let you.




Anxiety is mourning every possibilty.
I wear all black.
I walk in the sun, and see nothing but shade.

Your belly
Next to mine
Smooth and soft
It subtly moves
As I gently touch it
Caress it
With tender admiration
Innocent and sweet
I listen to them
Rejoice at the sight
Of it ever so slightly
flowing over the seam

My belly
Next to yours
I cringe, look away
Try to hide it
As it’s flawed
It’s Not flat,
Not nonexistent
I’m afraid
Of what they’ll say
Should they catch
A glimpse
Of its imperfections

Yet without mine
There’d be no yours
It’s my womb
That carried you
It gave you shelter
And protection
A space to ripen and prepare
It’s my belly
That gave life to you
And still I reprimand it
Demand that it be
What is expected

I have lost myself,
Have you seen my soul
Anywhere?

Am I in the darkness of night,
With the summer heat?
Am I in the the threads of fabric that
Get tossed in the wash?
Am I in the stretch marks on my skin
Evidence of what my body can do?
Am I in my own reflection,
Deep in the void in my eyes?

Will I feel warmth in my heart again?
Will I feel the flame of passion
Rise up in me again?

Will I ever be whole again?


m.e.

A lonely island, just him and me
His wails continue, just let me be.
I'm so tired, why doesn’t he care?
He is selfish, dependent, stripping me bare

Where is the bundle of joy I was promised?
My sanity and happiness constantly compromised
I sit and cry holding you tight
You grip my finger with all your might
I love you and hate you, so ashamed to say
The time ticks by slowly, day after day

This little blue pill, promises the world
To make everything better, to stop the unfurl
They call it post partum and promise it wont last
But it's been 16 weeks, I just want my mind back
And slowly but surely, things look brighter
He is waiting for me, because he is a fighter.
My bundle of joy, so loving and forgiving
Loves me unconditionally, relying on me to continue living

I'm sorry Theodore, but mommy is better
I've fought tooth and nail for you,
And so I give you this letter.
A promise that I will always be here, no matter the cost
I love you more than air, even when I'm lost.
I'll fight this disease to be the mom you deserve
Because you are the light of my life, you're love I preserve

So rest easy and stop growing little one
For mommy loves you, because you are my sun
I love you to the moon, and more than every star in the sky
You are my one and only, you are my special little guy.