it is sad to realize
that my life is so dependent
on painkillers.
it seems as though every lecture
i sit through
the thought of alleviating my pain
crosses my mind.
doesn't matter if it's the common cold
or a stab wound
ill still seek to make myself feel better.

A loner that kills pain,
physical pain and for some
a drug for joy, for calmness.
Magical, as a single strike eliminates all the pain.

The loner once struck me into a deep sleep,
where I was floating, like a dream
calmness or a silent blissfulness
I don’t know what this loner made me feel
I just know that it was beautiful.
Silence, silence all over
and then a sudden interruption,
my friend’s panic stricken voice
calling me, waking me up.
Looking up I found her scared eyes,
scared, as in whether I was dead.

A fear outspread that day,
people who loved me feared the loner,
there was solidarity in their fear,
fear of losing me.
The loner was banished, once and for all.

Days passed, years passed,
pain was calmed using wrapped pills.
It never gave the calmness,
the blissfulness like the loner.
He is gone for so long now.

Today, as my body starts to quiver with pain,
I heard his voice,
a soothing voice, asking me
asking me to open the cellar
“Take me and I’ll put you out of your misery”

As I opened, I saw the loner
beautiful in blue.
I took him and all of a sudden
I found contentment in this strike after so long.
Calmness flooded in me once again,
I found happiness in this silent blissfulness.
Silence, silence all over.
But this time my sleep didn’t get interrupted,
for this time it was now and forever.

Dolo, the loner,
now I’m yours….forever.

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People hurt
Perfection is impossible
Efforts are put into both

No such thing as a perfect life
You can wish to be better, perhaps you can
But nobody can be the best

I tried to be the best
I wanted to be the best friend a guy can be
I have failed in this conquest

I placed efforts into Hippocrates Oath:
"First, Do No Harm"
Yet without meaning to I harmed anyway

Not just myself
No, this isn't me, me, me
As it always (usually) is

This is for my mates
And my friends
Difference being the genders involved

Mates are male,
Friends; female
Notice both start with the same letter?

That's me,
Organising things into some such logical order
To prevent falling into complete and utter chaos

It's a fixation of mine,
It just so happens it's also the way my mind works
Which even I, at times, fail to understand

My own mind; a concept, an idea,
One that at times fails itself
One that find self-harm acceptable, even understandable

I am such a hypocrite,
Instead of Hippocrates it's Hypocrites Oath:
"First, believe you won't do harm, believe it's bad,
And then do it anyway".

Some of this makes sense to you, Reader, I assume
Assuming that, of course, you can assume to know
What I assume you assume I'm talking about

Still following?
Okay, then I'm just rambling
Talking for no reason other than that I hate silence

I hate silence almost as much as I hate myself, at times
Silence is empty, like what I feel frequently
A genuine smile is a smile I wish to wear
(Not just to the Formal night I will be attending next year)

But how does one smile
When one has seen the truth of this world?
Cold, calculating and cruel, vicious and relentless

There is more wars then there are words to stop them
Only one world to hold these wars,
That at times words help to start

Not just talking about actual wars, either
Arguments that become full-blown hatred
Pain dosage as high as the painkillers to prevent them,
If not, higher...

I don't know what to think of myself,
Or this world that I live in
I've contemplated suicide on multiple accounts
Too "*****"to follow through...

But I have never done it, left, that is
I tried many, many, many times
But something... pulls me back

It's friendship. Family. Honour and Loyalty
I cannot leave those precious few I have
Until they themselves are gone

As long as everyone keeps living,
I guess I have to as well
Thank you for reading
*If you made it this far...

"Truth hurts, so we all take painkillers called Lies."

How can we tell if anyone is at home?

I wish you had come in a box, I'd open you now
A tin can would be too small unless we were playing dares.

I don't accept these terms. We could have been arrested together
And then we'd have another piece of paper with our names on it to enjoy.

The letters I've been sending you are shorter.
I prefer when our names are closer to each other.

That copper lithograph you made and the limited edition prints,
Those are still so ******* rad.

You left that white leather bag with the gold hardware at our apartment,
Iridescent purple crochet needles, what appears to be the beginning of

An autobiography you must be putting together. I'd be lying if I said I washed and folded your clothes. I only folded them.

How long will someone's natural perfume stay on clothes?

I don't delete some period's.
Sometime's the worst punctuation is the kind that stays forever.

I miss you more than the addiction to painkillers I kept up until
Two months ago. I've been making the necessary upgrades.

They don't have a word for how much you mean to me.
A monogamous flightless bird that serves at the pleasure of its mate

Was the closest I came to showing you not only that I'd carry you
So you didn't have to walk over the scalding lava, but that

These limbs are fitted for your form. My legs will never grow weak.
Beautiful extraordinary things adults do with their mouths

For hours and hours and hours if they like.
After lips move and speaking does not require voices, whispers, or tells.

Waking up with my arms wrapped around your leg, My head laid
In the valley of your belly button.

Everything great of me was incubated with your body in our time.
It seems we shucked everything good from your tiny body

Until you lied yourself into believing you weren't worthy of such
Immense happiness and pleasure. You have not put me away.

Your lies were lies, if only to reinforce cognitive distortions.
Being brilliant and beautiful is the curse we agreed.

This venom is three years young and flying first class, one way, with four Checked bags, rocking forward to urge time forward.

What will bring the smiling back?

The temple mounds and eyelids sewn into the lines where lips
Greeted the fantastic strands of gleaming threads in your birth crown.

I have pictures of our pictures.
I have shoes for my shoes, and their tongues are hanging out.

We introduced each other to cool. I introduced you to your body
And for three years we ****** six times a day at least.

I wear your California necklace and studded leather cuff always.
Still nothing and no one could ever come between.

Heavy flow, blood letting, and mainstream apostrophes, and
Still we are bending time and making up gravity as we go along.

We became the Villains we hoped we'd become,
But the monster that is ripe on my skin is glowing.

This is the fight I'm not going to let up on, I will not sit down until your Cappuccino with agave and steamed milk is ready for you in bed.

You wait on me like a polaroid whose shadow looks to be a ghost
But ends in contrast and a lack of exposure.

I drank the poison too and left enough for you to use.

Painkillers intended to numb the pain
But they numb the heart from beating.

Administered to the ill and injured
Resulting in worse illness or injury.

An injury to the heart beat
To the collapsing lungs,
The vital components of life.

Without the medications,
The symptoms return
Full-fledged.

But with them, the ability
To function normally
Is absent.

The question at hand is
Whether it is better to suffer
From pain or numbness.