I'm just another kid with pills and a wish to be killed.

I'm gonna do it I keep telling myself.
I'll swallow unspoken words,
Taking shots of pills like it's natural.
Maybe it would be better with only my face upon a bookshelf.

Should I leave a note?
Risk leaving the bathroom floor and everyone see me?
Maybe it would be easier to let these pills but free me.

The pills are in my hands right now,
Light as a feather usually, but now it's like holding a boulder,
Like a bullet I'd wanna shoot through my head to stop the thoughts.
I have but no one to lay my head upon their shoulder.

The hopes I wouldn't feel this way today,
shattered like glass, sharp as a knife that pierced through porcelain skin.
Like I have to **** myself to prove a point no one cares for.
Like I have a chance of being a boy instead of hoping only in my core.

I got her mad so she wouldn't care,
Send my ****** dead body but a glare.
But what would mom think?
Seeing her "daughter" dead on the floor by the sink.
The thought of it being her fault, the pills stain her brain like ink.

Everyone's neutral, it's the perfect time.
Maybe they'd think of my guts as but slime.
But if I were to die it would be selfish,
As my dad would've already cried and became less sheepish.
Would his kid with pills cause him to be squeamish?

I feel disgusting,
I feel like ****.
I don't want to, but I do as I sit.
I hate people like a man lusting.

I can't love, It doesn't fit like a glove.
Maybe one day I can stop it,
Fly free of these thoughts as if a dove.
I wish I didn't hate or love,
Wish I didn't think of these pills as if a gift from above.

I like my friends though,  they're cool.
They only but sometimes leave me sitting on a stool.
They're not necessarily cruel,
Someone I yern to become.

Yern to not be so nervous,
To be less skittish.
Maybe I yern to be anyone but me,
Yern to be what people see as me.

I'm not all of what one might think,
I cry after each blink.
Cause at the end of the day I'm not "mature" or "cool",
I'm just another kid with pills in reach.

it's not fair
i'm still here and you're no longer there
the gold streaks have faded from my hair
life goes on but it's just our cross to bear

i'm sorry
i didn't get to tell you more
i'm sorry
i had to ever shut that door

wish i could've heard your demons
wish i could've seen the signs
even after all these years
i still focus on the good times

dude,
popping counterfeit percocet
you don't even see the trouble that you're in yet
the high lasts forever, you never come down
i guess we all learned our lessons by now

you're lost in the past, and so am i
waiting for the hour hand to tick on by

you got off early, i'm still on for the ride

In the depths of despair, I find myself bound
Wrapping my feelings, discarded and drowned
A facade I wear, to hide all the sad
These pills promised joy, but it's all just a fad

Awoken from slumber, uncertainty sets in
A dreamlike haze, questioning where I've been
Carelessly ingesting the pills I rely
But happiness eludes, just a hollowed-out lie

A world spinning 'round as I lay on the floor
Regret floods my thoughts, seeping to my core
Perhaps behind the smile, I was never truly glad
A facade shattered, revealing the sadness I've had

Waiting for flatline as time slips away
The clock's steady ticking, my senses betray
Listening closely, knowing the world will carry on
In its blissful ignorance, without me, it will dawn.

I chew Nicorette gum -
I don't smoke cigarettes

I use safety razors (not for their intended purpose),
I draft suicide notes in an app

I won't overdose - reuse my organs,
I'll drive off a bridge in a Prius

I'll turn the lights off before I go,
Turn my ashes into a tree

Here I lye with you-
you don't listen, so my words
write reversed haikus

I don’t need your drugs,
but I do need you to know
no one deserves this.

I choose to let you
treat me like I’m blindfolded;
Still, I gift to you-

Graphite and color
a blank sketchbook (with this piece)
Inscribed in the front.

Art is all I know
so this opportunity.
to express it all-

Has such strong power,
you might never truly know…
Still- I hope you do.

I'm sick of burying my friends.

I'm sick of saying that I'm sick of burying my friends.

I'm sick of planning ******* candle light vigils.

I'm sick of funerals, sick of grief, sick of the hole in my chest that keeps getting bigger.

We are so young. How are so many of us already dead? Why is it that every few months, someone that I love leaves this Earth?

It's not fair.

I'm sick of saying it's not fair.

I'm sick of "I wish i got to see you under better circumstances, but I missed you." I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of watching friends and parents and spouses and children cry. I'm sick of reminiscing on stories and looking at photos from lifetimes ago, when things were simple and we were happy.

I'm sick of "they'll always be with you."

I'm sick of "they live on through us."

I wish they'd just live.

There was a certain comfort in the time I spent
Sitting against a wall outside in the cold
They don’t tell you what its like to freeze to death
But here’s what wishing you would is like

The trees sway with another chilling breeze
There’s a little stinging pain in my toes
Its been about 20 minutes out here
My feet are the only things cold
I'm thinking
Way too much about how the frost feels
My hands become red
a little icy itch not quite numbing my fingers

Another 20 minutes go by and I can feel the cold travel
I have no intention of leaving
I don’t want to
Maybe i’ll stay all night

An hour in my feet are cold on the outsides
My ankle is freezing
I adjust my earbud and look up to the sky
My breath can be seen in the air
I think about my mother finding my body
Bitten blue with winter

2 hours in and my feet are starting to ache
Its an interesting feeling
Almost like I’ve broken a bone but can’t quite feel it
I don’t want to be here anymore
Not outside, id love to stay in the icy air all night
But here, in front of my so called home
Filled with my so-called family
I’d like to be staying somewhere else
Somewhere where they aren’t
Somewhere where the people who care about me
Are all far far away
And if I die, they know in a few days
Not right away
If I’m sick they’ll send a gift card
And call so many times I’ll have to turn off the phone

So maybe I’ll just sit here
And let nature have its way with me
Because I'm not ready to go back in
And live in a “family”