does a lonely childhood **** a person?
maybe
if not, the way everyone else smells it on you does
there is something wrong with you
you are not whole
“where is your other half”
everyone asks you
and you just keep saying “i dunno, i dunno”
and they tell you to be grateful
because you never were hated as a kid
and maybe you weren’t but you are hated now for it
you do not know how to be a person because of it
and you can never say we were children together
because you were not children with anyone except for yourself
and you will bury your childhood alone
and you will bury your parents alone
and they keep telling you to be so so grateful that you never had to share anything
but this loneliness has you by the throat and
you would rather have someone who hated you than nobody at all

some nights i think i am cain without an abel
i hate my brother for never having been
i carry him, keep him, like he happened
he is heavy and i have never met him
i would hate him if he was flesh and i wish he were me
i killed him before he was alive, ruined eve's body by living
i am the first poisoned crop that made the field untillable
i killed him as he slept and i hadn't met him yet
some nights i hear him around the house
he lives in the gaps in my mother and father's conversation
some nights i think i am cain
missing an abel more for never having held him

Being the eldest son is tough.
You always bear the toughest blows
From punishments and such.
Parents blame you for everything
But thirteen years of it?
God.. That's just too much.

Sure, my sibling is cute,
Smart, and headstrong too,
But they're just such a pain sometimes.
If there's anything to remember,
It's that they're a selfish, stuck-up brat
To the point it should be a crime.

My sibling has ruined my life.
If only I just lived alone.
That would honestly be great...
I wouldn't have to deal with them
Or hear another one of their whines
While they look at me with hate.

I'd have my parents all to myself.
I'd have time to finally relax
And have peace like no other...
I'd waste my time all day
And wouldn't have to share my stuff,
But I wouldn't get to be a brother-
THAT is reward enough.

Love
You use it like a currency
One coin — after another —
when slipping through the mouth
of a vending machine
is no longer enough
You shove and pound on!
Until I gag:

moneysecurityopportunitysuccesspridepowerstatusdreamshappin­essthingsthingsthingsdeadthings

When I ask You:
“Do You regret gambling away
in me the Life that was promised
to You  
as a wasteful investment
when my open hand holds only
Disappointment?”

You answer with conviction
suffices to convict me
“Blood is thicker than water
so I will try harder”
as I swallow — each —
and — every —
— well — meaning — copper —
flood my throat
in the ****** beautiful taste of Love
Love
Love
Love
Nothing
but Love.

I shall never starve for Love
if only I had the stomach for such Food.

You’ve been working so hard
To provide more than what we need now
For what we will need in the future.
Because we used to have nothing.

You’ve been planning so thoughtfully
For the next 20 years,
But you’ve never lived in the current.

You’ve been ignoring what you feel now
And saving your happiness for later.
But you’ve never stopped worrying about the future.

Now he is gone forever for both of us.
You lost your happiness,
Which had never happened.

But I lost my happiness,
Which had been making me feel alive.
It is not just grief of his death.

Now father is gone forever for me.
It is the emptiness in my heart
Constantly consuming me.

When I am nervous on the stage,
Who else will always applaud for me again?
Who else will always love my performance again?

I know you don’t care what I care,
And you only approve what you care.
But can you just look at who I am for one time?

I wish you can live more in the current
And worry less about the future.
Because I treasure every single second in my life,
When you are still with me.