Hey, would you like to know a secret?

It slits and stings and scorches the tip of my tongue
A scalpel painted with a sickening slice of hope
Of I know you used to
And I said I used to
But I meant I still do

My heart— no head still throbs
Thuds like the tapping of your fingers against the table

Your fingers
Light and floating and still too far
Flying too fast

My head
Heavy and sinking and still too close, to me
Still too close, to you
Still too close, to every synonym of unecessary
Still, too close, to my heart

Do you want to hear my secret?

My head throbs because of you,
No, not because of you, because of me
Because of confusion as to why
My mind is able to solve math equations that I hate
If I try hard enough

But for some reason my mind can't solve the question
Of why it keeps flitting back to you
Even if I try to will it away
And always to you
I have a million other things to do
And somehow you're always still the first priority

My head throbs because it doesn't understand
Because I don't understand
How is it then when you're vulnerable
And ask an "are you free to talk?"
The truth is no
I'm really not
Yet yes is the only word running through my head

Somehow
You always come first
I find that strange considering how the most you've ever thought about me is probably the second best thing

Here is my secret

I am sick of this
I am sick of you
But somehow your laughter is the antidote
It is the vaccine
The dosage I get daily

But eventually
It starts being less effective
Because I hear
Her laughter
In yours

And the more I get to know you
I feel like I'm just getting to know her
You say the same phrases
And so many things that you do
Are just so her
She's so thoroughly embedded into everything you do
It's almost impossible to separate the two of you

And I am sick
Of this
And I am sick
Of you

And how you say you used to
And how I say I used to
And how I still mean
I still do

if letting go of you
was supposed to free me
when why do i feel
like i’m drowning?

the crowd went silent after they asked her
“how much do you love him?”
they were not aware of the question
might as well took it as a joke, but
those words were enough to mute her
as she began to stutter–
her eyeballs shaken
water started to fill up the surface of her white
a smile crept into her lips after the answer left them
“I wished him happiness more than I’ve done to myself”

they would never understand.

Cringy love poems and sleepless nights,
Spending every waking moment wishing you were by my side.

My heart is breaking,
But at the same it's not
I'm so confuse on what's happening
I wish I should've known this would come.

I didn't notice the glances you made
Maybe I was too busy daydreaming to see.
The poems you've created,
Suprisingly were all for me.

It's sad to know we could've had something
But none of us made a move
And it breaks my heart
That I'm the only one who remained in love with you.

the place we live in;
it's sure magnificent
but wouldn't ever be so gentle
for the two star-crossed lovers
who can only meet up in dreams
whose love twisted by the fate