I write when my chest gets tight and it feels like I can’t breathe
And for (what feels like eternity) everything I’ve worked so hard to keep secret comes

crashing.
down.

Imagine being in a wave pool, going deeper than you knew you should and getting knocked under,
and considering the possibility

maybe

that you might not come back up for air;
now imagine that feeling everytime you open your eyes.


Poetry about happiness?

I’m sorry, I can’t help you there.

1
2
3
4
5

I count things in 5’s

one cat
two cat
three cat
hula hoop
tote bag

My notes are organized Cornell style
but it can’t fill the void you left.

Light switch
one slipper
two slippers
lotion
candle

I’ve got my life organized down to the the minutes
but you aren’t in any of them.

Long distance.
We’ll see.

I need to go to the store,
eggs
cheese, why do we always run out of cheese?

I texted my best friend 3 hours ago, where is she at?
Good thing I have her location.

I didn’t really understand a single thing in math class today,
but this is college algebra and trig, I go to a good college I should be able to pass

without. help.

You used to be smart and not this stupid. What made you this stupid.
How did YOU even get into this school? You’re too stupid.

You shouldn’t have worn that dress that night. And those heels?
Those were some pretty slutty heels.

You probably shouldn’t have been drinking either,

milk,

tortilla shells,

canned corn,

You could just step out in front of this semi truck, it would be quick,

cream cheese,

tea,

honey

Others would care, but honestly at this point, would you?
I mean look at you, you’re a mess.

eggs,

cheese, why do we always run out of cheese?

Hearing the toaster pop up and realizing you've been spinning in circles the whole time, with no recollection of the time passing,
Saying "f*ck" while you do the dishes or vacuum because apparently that's a trigger for you,
And don't you dare think about time because you'll spend all of it flailing your arms and hyperventilating,
Hoping you're not annoying when you click your tongue over and over,
And feeling the tickle in your arms hoping they won't judge you for twisting your hand three times,
What the hell do I have? Is it OCD, ADD, or is it turrets?
A mixture of all maybe? I don't know but I need some rest.

I miss her, yet I cannot forget her.
Like echoes of a time long gone.
Silence is my reality.
Try as I might she still holds my mind tight.
Is it her fault for being so captivating?
Maybe it is my own doing, for loving her too deeply.
I feel lost in a lake of dreams.
Dreams haunted with her presence, and nightmares filled with her absence.
She has forgotten me.
Now I am the only scribe left to keep our memory alive. So I write on.
I will not forget these memories, nor will I stop dreaming of a fantasy no longer attainable.
I will forever chase these memories of a dream long gone.

How much easier it would have been
if I had not been born but left unknown and unseen,
for I have known only tragedy and despair
and now I'm broken beyond repair.

I didn't miss you right away.
After you left i was sad, yes,
but i knew i didn't miss you.
I was thinking positively about the future
and after how bad you ruined me
i thought there was no way i could miss you.
I was wrong.
About two weeks after you left
you never called
you never texted.
I think i expected one of them
and i clung to that,
so thats why i didn't miss you.
But now that i haven't heard from you
i know its real.
You're gone.
And **** do i miss you.
I miss your smell
I miss the way you would rub
my neck when
we were in the car.
And i hope you found someone
to reassure you about your insecurities,
because i know your OCD would always
get to you.
And when you left i asked you
who was going to tell you
your glasses weren't crooked after
you asked for the millionth time.
I told you that you wouldn't have anyone to
hold at 3am to keep you warm.
It's been 12 days since the last time you
held me.
I feel really lost right now because i miss you,
but i know time heals all wounds.
Hopefully one day when I'm driving
through a pretty town
while the sun goes down
i won't think of you.

You have become an all to familiar presence in my life. From the wave of incompetence that often washes over me as soon as I wake up, to the heavy ache that nuzzles itself beside me as I sleep – you are the unwanted intruders that force themselves into the comfort of my being.  You haunt me with my own thoughts, and use my fears and insecurities against me.  Time and time again you feed me lies by telling me that I am not worthy  - that I am not good enough for success or deserving of love.  Sometimes you even tease me by leaving for a short while, giving me a small glimpse of freedom - only to quickly return with new and more powerful tricks up your sleeve.

Together you are the dichotomy that makes it absolutely impossible to get through even the most remedial of tasks.  Anxiety, you keep me awake at night by preying on my paranoia, causing me to obsess over every stupid mistake I have ever made, and reminding me of all the things that I have not done.  All the while, Depression you cast your cloud upon me by keeping me in bed all day, and telling me that nothing matters anyway.  This unrelenting battle in my mind puts me in a state of frantic melancholy – constantly sending me to the brink of madness.  Learning to understand how to live with you is like learning how to live in a body that is not mine.

You are the wildfire that will stop at nothing to destroy every sign of life within its path, and I am the blackened remnant of a forest.  Gasping for breath in oxygen depleted air – I desperately cling onto the slightest bit of life I can find.  I fight to gain control over this insanity.  I will not let you win.

I will not let you win because you do not get to define how I live.  You seek to **** quietly and without notice but I will no longer sit in silence.  I will speak up, because I am tired of feeling trapped within the confines of my own mind. I am tired of putting on this happy face, and pretending like I am okay.  


But you know what?

It is in those moments where you make me feel helpless that I will continue to push forward and fight, because no matter how tight your grasp, how loud your screams, or how hard your scratches may be, I know that I am growing.  Just like the flowers die in Winter and learn to bloom again with Spring, my soul is learning how to rejuvenate amidst this storm.

It is in those moments when I begin to retreat back into the darkness of isolation, where despite my cries for help, I find familiarity in pushing away those around me -that I will write and I will create. I will expose your haunting thoughts, and the debilitating lies that you feed me because contrary to how you make me feel, I am NOT alone in this.

It is in those moments when I start to feel myself slipping into your fatal complacency, when I feel suffocated by the inner workings of my own brain that I will CHOOSE to be joyful. I will CHOOSE to be inspired rather than to be defeated.  I will CHOOSE to be kind to myself. I will CHOOSE to love on those around me, and I will CHOOSE to put my hope and my identity in my God.  

I know that it won’t be easy, and I know that some days will be harder than others, but it is in this simple declaration where a new page will be turned. This is me reclaiming my body, my mind, and my spirit.  This is me CHOOSING to no longer be a prisoner to you.  This is me beginning to set myself free.