The evergreen tree grows
The winds come and go
Raging fire turns to glow
Yet I still miss you so

Gray, the only color in sight
A burnt out star, no longer bright
An old batch of snow, once so white
The mysterious vanishing of the light

A tainted sliver of perfection
The uncertainty of my reflection
Numbing thoughts of your affection
New shades of gray in my collection

I remember it
like it was years ago
or maybe yesterday
snow falling around me
like the laughter
in my soul
my eyes finding refuge
in the fall upon my feet
tiny dancers
mocking
my reaction
or rather lack of
to the cold
i found myself
numb
i found myself
restless
and then i found
my eyes
wandering behind me
into the snow
finally taking notice
in the lack of footprints
that followed
my feet reaching nothing
but a shallow cry
and that's when I knew

the world would never see me again

i killed myself in winter
it was 37 below zero
and my mind was as numb as my toes
i didn't think it could get any colder
i was wrong.

People have strange fears
Mine is myself
At this point I just feel like somebody else
Thought I knew my own feelings
Now I’m just confused
I feel as if someone else is in control
Of my own body?
No that doesn’t make sense
Because I am me
But my memory slips all the time
And I feel less alive
I am just Here.

My depression is like
Laying in a bed of thorns.
Every move will punish me,
Scratches matching every fear and compulsion.
I wonder what it would be like
To not have this burden hanging,
Like an executioners axe just
Waiting to be swung.
I wonder what it would be like
To not be watching over my shoulder,
With anxiety clawing at my every movement.
I wonder what it would be like
To be in a room full of people
And to know that I am loved.
To not need them to express it,
Because I had nothing to make me doubt.
I wonder what it would be like
To feel anything at all,
Except this ache,
This numbness that seems to cushion
My fall.

People always say they wish they couldn't feel.
Apparently pain is worse than nothing.

My coping mechanism would beg to differ.

Stop asking for whom I love
I do not feel that
I only feel numb
Stop trying to upset me when I feel nothing
No clue what you’re trying to do
But it’s something
Scream, cry, beg; whatever
Your punches feel light like feathers
Be angry all you want and sad
I don’t feel anything anymore
Hah.

I am done,
Trying to keep people in my life is exhausting
Whether they try to stay or don’t
Can’t handle myself, let alone someone else
No I don’t hate you or talk of you
No more sad thoughts about you
Stop thinking about me it’s not worth it
Was I ever here, you won’t know
But it’s better that I just ****** let you go