It's night time again , I'm left alone with my thoughts .
It's night time again , it all starts coming back to me .
Felt suffocated inside , came outside feeling overwhelmed, I can't see I can't think , it's insane .
The movies skipped this part , they skipped the blood and the pain , they skipped the rejection and fatigue , they dashed to the happy ending slowing down mine .
Do you really know who I am ? Do you know my name? Can you say my name whilst knowing me .. or do you just say it as a necessity .
Even in my dreams I'm suffocated ..the one time I take a breath of fresh air , a million accidents follow .
God !!I try to breathe , but each breath I take hurts more than the last .
"That's the last time , I'm better now , it won't hurt anymore" lies I tell myself , lying to yourself to convince yourself is pathetic . I'm pathetic.
Why does it hurt so much to breathe ? When will it stop ? Each night passes I look forward to the day the breathing stops , but at what cost ? My breath seizes but sadness befalls those who care ..
My eyes close to never be red and soaked again but their eye rims overflow with tears shed and unshed .
How can a girl feel so much yet so little ? How can one acquire such bags of sadness that increases each step I take ? .
I must have been a ***** in the life before , this must be my eternal damnation, it's all a sick joke .
Rubber slaps my wrist but yet I can't quite make that twist .
What's it gonna take to make that twist ? What's it gonna take to break this curse ? ..  what's it gonna take to lose this breath ? Without bringing tears to the eyes of those who are cursed to love me ? .
Maybe you did something in your life before too , your curse came as me .. mine is eternal damnation , yours is sadness for you love the ****** one  .
If only somebody ,anybody  knows my name while knowing me ! If only while I drowned somebody could actually yell my name , perhaps I wouldn't be gasping for this hurtful air .. perhaps I wouldn't be crying for the breath that hurts me so .
It's funny you know ..  " A man or a bear ? " they ask me ..
How about " A woman and  air ?" What's she to pick ? The one that hurts her .. or the very cause of her sorrows ?
What's she to choose ? Oh how big these responsibilities are but what truly are they ? She doesn't know ! But she feels the pain and is tagged as dramatic !
" Your life's not a movie !!" They say ..
" You cannot always be a victim" they say ,
" Grow up ! You are not a child ! Be mature"
And I stand and wish that I actually saw my life as a movie , then the pain wouldn't feel so real , and the blood wouldn't feel so hot as it dripped , if only my life were a movie , I would have written my happy ending .
So you were wrong , but if perhaps you were right .. then this movie hurts and burns , change it to the next one please .
I'm immature ? maturity would break me , it would **** me with a smile .
Adulthood that I am not yet ready to face , so yes I'm immature and childish , that's the only string connecting me to life .
Come home to my family and oh how they love ... Yet I can't reciprocate , " you can reciprocate by making us proud ! Excel at school as always " .
How do I explain ? How do I explain the change? How do I explain that it's killing me slowly but surely , how do I explain that In order to excel I lose a bit of myself every single day ! But it's not enough , how much more do I have to lose before I breathe ? Is it until there's nothing left ? I'll bet ! .
Then I'd finally excel , with my last painful breath.

They love to say
we bring out the best in each other
that I bring out the best in you,
like that's the only thing I am good for,
the only reason I am in your life.

They smile
and point.

It won’t last.
Eventually, he will leave.
Even the moon goes through phases.

As if I’ll just
pack my bags
and leave you behind,

as if I could just
erase my entire existence.

Baby,
I love how they think
you cannot think
for yourself.

your friends,
all the people around you.

They think they know
the truth
when they see me
half the time.

Baby,
I understand
the concept,
the concern.

But even the moon
doesn’t fully disappear,
If you look closer.

Just because they don’t see it
doesn’t mean
I’ve left your sky.

Some things
are just meant
for you.

No matter
how much they point,
or try to pull you
to the side,

there is no hiding
from you

Driving down the freeway
underneath the dark night sky.

Thinking about it all.
Tears falling from my eye.

Starring out the window
at the reflection in the mirror.

Remembering the times
when it all seemed so much
clearer.

I try so hard,
To keep myself busy & occupied,
So you will be the last thing to think about.

I try so hard,
To have as much fun as possible during the day.
So you will be the last thing to think about.

I try so hard,
To not think of you,
But you are everywhere.
Everything reminds me of you.

When I see my planner,
I remember I meant to ask you when is your birthday.
When I see my books,
I remember I meant to ask you what is your most precious possession.
When I see my pink purse,
I remember I was meant to ask you what is your favorite color.

You had no idea,
Just how much I hold onto your words.
You made me believe,
That we have all the time in the world.

None of us try to fix this.
Getting back what we once had,
No matter how much I want it.
Because we both know that,
We’re not something worth saving.

the mountains keep laughing,
and mocking me from afar.
they keep mocking the useless
attempts i make
to feel like i’m worth
to feel like i really am enough.

they keep pointing at me
telling me i’ll never be
like my little brothers’
violin;
or that i won’t ever be
as clever
as bright
as wit
as my big brother is.

they keep reminding me that
i won’t ever be
as sufficient
as i want to be.