Everything hurts.
My face scrunching up as the tears burst out of me
The lump in my throat that prevents me from speaking
The thoughts I'm forced to face now that feel never ending.

No one thinks the unbelievable will happen,
Until it simply does.
and the responses I have in the moment-
make me feel incredibly ****** up.

Shock is more numbing than the walk in freezer at work.
It's as if I were reading anything, not her actual words.  
I don't know who to blame,
or maybe I do- but that feels worse.

“I need you close to me” said the porcupine
“I need space, I miss rabbit and fox” pled the squirrel
“Once I feel better you can leave”

“I’m lonely”
“Move closer, I’ll ease your isolation”
“Ok” Sting. Recoil.

“Why do you distance yourself from me?”
“Im sorry, it hurts”
“This is why you're in pain, you turn away from me”

“I just need a moment”
“Not until we're close”
“I’m bleeding, I need rabbits soft fur”

“Rabbit doesn't love you the way I do”
“Im anxious, I need fox’s kind words”
“Come near me, I will help you heal”

“Im worried about your spines”
“My spines? You think I have spines?”
“Don't you see them?”

“I don't know why you would say that to me,
I try so hard to be here for you”
“You're right, Im sorry”

The days pass by

Faster and faster

Turning into weeks

Months,

Years...


Not a single second

Minute,

Hour 

Or day goes by


That I don't think of you


That I don't wonder 


What life would be like

Today

With you still in it


I may not show it


I may not speak of it


But the longing is there

Deep within


... Always


I often reflect, 

Admire

The strength you had in my youth


No matter what was thrown your way

You tossed it onto your shoulders

And carried on

Head still high


I find myself carrying on the same way

Without you here

I've tossed your memories onto my shoulders

And keep on

Keeping on

Head held high


I can relate to you in that way

And somehow it keeps me close to you


There are layers

Too many to explain in depth

But I know

And I remember 

How life felt with you in it

And I reflect 

I relate


Because I was once 

A part of you


And now you...


Every second

Every minute,

Hour

Everyday

For forever


... Are a part of me.

Mẹ,

I am hurt by the way things have ended. How do you struggle with your second language, but know exactly what words jab at my dignity? The lack of “I love you”s as I grow up is justified, yet at the times you desire, you’re suddenly fluent in the language of breaking my heart. You articulate clearly and concisely, every syllable stabbing into my spirit as I swallow the lump in my throat. I still bite my tongue with remorse for growing into what you want to be. I choke down any remarks that would make you think less of me (less of you).

You compare me to the man who broke us, but I refuse to see him in the mirror. I have your left dimple, and my brother’s skin that contrasts yours so vividly like the branches that hold your dear orchids next to the porcelain in the glass closet that’s as fragile as your ego. My eyes come from what I have overcome, and the fire in my heart is God. I wish you saw His glory within me, and not the beast that you married.

I wish you weren’t so embarrassed of yourself. I wish you felt familiarity in a country as foreign as mine. For despite all you have done, I want to show you off. I am sorry for how you raised me. Most of all, I forgive you for all the apologies I never received. May you perceive yourself with grace.

Love,
your daughter

“Everything in moderation,”
Henri’s mom said with a grin,
serving the banal advice
with red Kool-Aid
and unfiltered cigarettes.

You ask why were not best friends....
when all you did today was comment on every mistake I made
Told me I had to fix my hair every time a strand got away
saying it wasn't good enough
In so many ways it meant I wasn't good enough
you asked why I hated you....
when I've never left loved by you
You told me I was being ridiculous
'after everything I've done for you' you started saying
I didn't hear what came after, the tears welling in my eyes and burn clogging my throat just a loud buzz in my ear drums
You told me I was in some sort of power house mood and couldn't be talked too....
but what if I've never been able to talk to you I just hid it better when I was younger?
Your always saying how the things I do aren't me....
wow, you must really not know me
the criticism is a lot weighting down on my shoulders but everything's fine I'll just roll my eyes
I sometimes wonder how you don't see me crying every night in my bed?
or if you know and just don't care?
You must notice how your words could cut through steel?
how every time you say something my eyes water?
I want to apologize but it's not my fault
everything hurts all the time
but how am I supposed to let go when I learned from a very young age that being judged by your mother is the worse pain of all....

Behind brown eyes & a beautiful face                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                                                                       ­              
Lay sad memories she wished to erase                                                            ­
                                                                ­                                                      
She longed to not be part of the human race                                                  
                                                                ­                                                   
 Now God has set her free                                                             ­           
                                                                ­                                                      
Not always what we hoped she would be                                                               ­                 
                                                                ­                                                      
We needed more than our reality                                                          ­            
                                                    ­                                                                 ­ 
We saw things she couldn't see                                                              ­              
                                                                ­                                                    
Now God has set her free                                                             ­                       
                                                                ­                                                      
I never thought we would be friends                                                          ­
                                                                ­                                                  
But that's what happened in the end                                                              ­              
                                                  ­                                                        
Sharing memories & making amends                                                          
­                                                                 ­                                               
Now God has set her free                                                             ­                     
                                                                ­                                                      
I know she's in a better place                                                            ­            
                                                                ­                                                  
All her pain has been erased                                                           ­         
                                                                ­                                                      
   I 'm sure there's a big smile on her face                                                          
  ­                                                                 ­                                             
  Now God has set her free

I'm so sorry....
I'm sorry that I was not the daughter you wanted
the daughter you hoped to have
but if you want the honest truth I tried....
I tried really really hard everyday to be someone you deserved.
You told me you loved me and I knew you did somehow
I just wished you showed it a little better
there was so much doubting in everything I did.... or do.
but I promise you I wanted to be that girl you had pictured in your head, secretly knowing I'd never fit your mold.
but I don't know what to do anymore....
I cried myself to sleep last night just like the night before
but then you ask why my eyes are puffy
it's not very attractive you say.
well, I'm sorry my hair didn't look good today
or that I wasn't home yesterday.
my every move is not okay
but I'll love you anyway....