I start my day in a panic, so much energy I feel galvanic. You would think its fun in reality I feel like I'm spun. I have a million thoughts trying to win the same race, feeling uneasy in my skin as I begin to pace.

I try to message my friends and reach out, only to receive questions of doubt. It's all "mind over matter" they say, and I feel a ping of betray because they really think I'm making myself this way.

Even on my medication I feel like nothing more than an abomination. How could someone so broken be one of GOD's creations? That's when my thoughts redirect remembering none of GOD's children are perfect. Each one made in his glory, for the purpose of living out our own story.

My existence
Just
Feels
So
Heavy

Personality disordered,
untamed ardor explores
every river delta
and corner forked;
borderline morphs.

Formless torment disorients,
roaring torrent force
forging its course,
divorcing arboreal forest floor
into a gorge.

Clear mirror
gorgeously adorned
with floral orchard, adored;
stream looks on in horror, forlorn-
shore a formidable fortress stormed,
water waging war on
brambles, thorny swords,
and flourishing orchids scorned;
armored only by rain's discord
and fresh petrichor worn.

Suddenly you transformed
Into a broken mirror.
All of the ugly, fragmented shards
Of my soul
Staring right back at me.

if you stay in
your own head

the memories,
faded, might

leave you
in dread.

consuming,
just torturing
yourself

simply feeling
hopeless, and
angry instead.

it's not worth
putting yourself
through this

even if life's
a little complicated.

look with your
eyes, not
all hope is lost.

even in the
darkest places,

the light will
shine bright
when you need
it most.

Tonight
I stood in front of the mirror
Bottle in hand
The world as blurry as my feelings.
Someone please help me

As the smoke clears
I am left with the perfect image
Of the destruction I caused.
Here the air is heavy,
The weight of my mistakes
occupies all of the space in my lungs.
And tonight,
As I stand alone,
The urge to etch my flaws
Into my skin
Overwhelms me.
It craves the kiss of cold metal.
I am fighting a never ending battle
And my body keeps the score.