I didn't realize that I had missed the rabbits so
til I nearly stumbled over one in the dark and dew

impossibly still and also bounding with movement, vibrating
a tenacious anxiety reflected back to me in more than one
lost, drunken, exasperated moment
memories inevitably left in backseats and waterlogged journals
the thorny irony of holding fervently what this life means to me
and for me
knowing I've forgotten nearly most of it
to trauma
and to time

why would I tuck away the times I've made myself the image of my parents?
why cherish and return to the slur of dysfunction and imbalance
why build myself on the moments I broke upon

each falter is palmed inside me
slick and pressed with dust
the life of every love and bond
I can't release
for fear that I will sink into the sky
for fear that I've only ever been a reflection
is it empathy? maybe it's a pervasive fear of abandonment
as you cannot leave me if you need me
as you cannot fear me if you trust me
as you cannot without me
and I, you

suffocated in the grip of the unshakeable hands of sorrow and guilt
devoured by the mouth of depression
devoured by the mouth of depression and ****** into a pit in the stomach of despair
there's something familiar in the pain i try so hard to escape
my pain mimics me, deep down I fear its too late

I knew it was bad when my fingernails were ringed
with red
as I ran them over ribbons and excused myself
from confetti cake to make them
redder.

my head was burning
a sparkling candle burning
my hands were yearning
a spazzing sticking yearning

my family was singing
a muffled stifling singing
my ears were ringing
a loud ear-piercing ringing

sing
ring
sting
stop stop stop my scalp is stinging

Nothing was clear until my fingernails
were red
and coated with pieces of my head:
rubbed raw and picked clean
You’re telling me
this is something you haven’t seen?

It doesn’t make sense because:
I don’t put pencils in a perfect pristine line
I don’t count my cheerios before I can dine
I can turn the lights on and off just fine
but my fingernails
are red
and apparently that’s a sign.


I can tell you where
every single pinprick lives
and spreads fire down my scalp
into my brain
How it tells me
your math homework can wait
save me
or you’ll go insane

My nails are short
but still red
My brain is intact
but still missing its head

Oh, how I could See the Disorder in a
demented disturbed decision
to forfeit my favorite vanilla cake
for blood

stop stop stop, i’m begging you, brain

you can’t stop; you know you need pain
leave me alone, and you’ll go insane.

We have to deal with the emotion
and the fear we have built up in over a year
of being inside
the internal wrecking ball we try to hide
from our nearest and our dearest
when on zoom
as we try to pretend that they are in the room
so now we get to meet in the sun
and to have a little fun, from a distance
at the insistance of the men in grey
who are supposed to be leading the way
back to reality and some form of normality
will we make it this time
climb up and out
lose the doubt and the lack of trust
I guess we must
learn to smile
but it might take a while

I'm glad that I don't have a mental illness
Those people are an incredible drain
A drain on society
A burden to carry
Something to be cruelly thrown away
I'm glad that I don't have a mental illness
I'm glad that I am perfectly sane
I had to watch this depressing man crying on the train
I heard that he went and hung himself
That's the pathetic nature of mental health
I'm glad that isn't me
It will never be
For I am mentally healthy with not a scrap of empathy!

I hear voices...
soft and delicate
guiding and guarding
that are mine, and mine
alone

I keep them close to my heart,
like lovers
caress them
whisper kindnesses
and promises to never betray them

and how could I?
these soft, sweet kisses from a world unknown
this loving embrace from a body
without
a
body

secrets shared in darkness
with only the flicker of a candle flame for warmth

I will keep you, sweet nothings,
mounting up to everything
that is mine, and mine alone