A dream of you wakes me.
Depressing thoughts at 3 a.m.
Covers off then covers on,
Too cold then too warm.

I would take a nightmare.
Over this reminder:
That I am lost, unraveling,
Slipping from my mind,
Unable to trust my thoughts.

I thought I had forgotten your face,
A blur when I reached to remember it.
But last night it was clear-
so clear and so beautiful.
I had forgotten what it was like:

To have and to hold,
To love you completely,
To look into your eyes,
And fall in so deeply.

Reality shakes me.
It reaches out with a violent touch.
I try to shake it off,
To shake you off.
Has my mind grown so soft?

I reach for the ceiling,
Call your name to speak some truth.
Can you hear me?
My quiet voice calling out.

I thought I had forgotten your face,
But it returns from deep within my mind,
Not when I search for it,
But when I forget to search for it.
And I remember again,
What it was like.

I want to scream until my lungs give out,
collapse on the floor,
tear off this paper-thin smile
and spit out the lie of “romanticizing life.”

“It’s just you and me again,” I mutter,
staring at the mirror, a blank, colorless canvas.
Eyes hollow, face streaked with tears and a half-formed grin.
F*ck, you’re unbearable. I want to punch you so bad.

If I stop, is it release or just cowardice?
The thought drifts away like smoke.
I drag myself upright,
patching the cracks with silence,
fastening the mask once more.

The mirror waits,
its hollow twin whispering,
“If not you, then who?”
breath heavy, fingers trembling on the doorknob.
Feeding myself lies before stepping out.
“It’ll get better…” I promise myself
like a broken prayer
time and time
and time
again.

Longing for the past

is longing for one's youth, for --


childlike carefreeness.

No one will wait anymore—
Here, this silence hums its lonely hymn.
If anyone on this earth remembers the path you once took,
If anyone still hears the echo of the door you closed,
If anyone had stood beside you in that relentless rain—
That rain from a season long forgotten—
Will they return to find you here once more?

On the verandah, where evening moths swarm the fading light,
Or inside, as they reach for a half-forgotten tune—
When the fragile thread of melody suddenly snaps—
A withered petal will tremble, then fall,
Unraveling from their grasp like memory itself.

The heart weeps softly, showing its bruised hue.
Shadows of despair whisper, I'm following you.
Icy winds and grey clouds all around.
Not the faintest beam of light is found.

Does your night teem with sparkling stars?
Or behind the fantasies, veils deep scars?
Does your heart dwell in a city of dreams?
Or breaks into bloodcurdling screams?

To a great extent, your lips laugh.
But your heart merely does its half.
It longs for joy in a world of strife.
How peculiar is the riddle of life!

When shadows speak and the heart bleeds,
A hand of solace is all what it needs.
So, to let them pay heed to a heart's cry,
This hand will write till the ink runs dry.

Silent to a running mind?
Songs of chance, and the bell's of choice
Are out and about hope, and the sun so kind
Where a poise of curiosity, is for those with voice

Tasks and deeds, almighty...
The revolution of a world, is mine for a care
Tooth to truth and eye to ideals, we seek a deity
With the promise of succinctly, winning all's dare

Somewhere the rainbow pays attention
At me, at silence and the boat of redemption
Afloat along the shared shore, of a strength's relation
To the fame, and the breath of a named revelation...

Hardship sleeps...
But a soft boat coming to paradise
Has the voice of heaven, with a smiles treasure
The toil of wonder in the same, of a visit from the wise

Here is your race...
Have is a question, answered by the powers of us
If not God himself, when we are the kiss of a face
That has seen the courage that took us, there for instinct, must

Hitting the high roads of youth, dreamt and melancholy
Letting love have its world, with a moment to each
Tomorrow has a use, for what is our tongue, sometimes holy
Sometimes a dreadful stare, of where a victory in life, is a reach...

She sat cross-legged on a deserted highway
all dressed in silence
her eyes spoke of how she used her paper weapons
to defend her glass heart

And I told her
the stars are (g)listening
because I didn't have the heart to say
"I think you're beautiful when you cry"

Dust collected on her eyes
like memories of old Polaroids
but she looked like a paperback
with dog-eared corners and a bent cover

In the hushed hours of the night
she looked flushed
and I'm not sure why
but she breathed out,
a tiny, nervous breath.

She told me how she missed
the boy who laughed in the sky..
she wished to be here again
shooting fireworks; dancing with sparklers
she wished to hear his laugh from then
she wished to feel her smile again

Then, she told me how she felt so small
I sympathized with her
as only empty highways and broken hearts do
and she dropped lit sparklers
to find her way back to civilization
and like her, the sparklers died

I lost her that night
but I know she's somewhere
halfway between the gutter and the sky
staring from vacant eyes
I wonder if the half-rotten forest
could ever breathe
as quietly as she did when she cried.

©️ Dark Water Diaries

Now, you adore me.
When my absence echoes through
every corner,
of every room.
When the longing for me
is so suffocating you are left gasping for air.
When the regret runs like poison in your veins.

Right before you fall asleep,
and the first thing when you wake,
my name lingers next to your ear.
I visit you in dreams so vivid,
your heart breaks a little
each time you open your eyes.

In every place you visit,
you secretly hope to find my eyes
meeting yours.
Each night you turn to the other side of
the bed, the warmth of my body
no longer rests besides you.

You wear regret across your face,
as I’ve worn disappointment across mine.

Now you adore me,
once I’m already gone.

Wandering across dewy grass,
with the taste of red wine
still burning on my tongue.

My eyes rise up to the stars,
with mistrust,
as though their light had
betrayed me.

I curse them
for ever giving me
a sense of hope.  
I tear them down
from the midnight sky and
throw them to the ground.
Damping their light
in the dewy grass
beneath the sole of my shoe.

“There’s nothing left to shine for”
I tell them.