No one tells you that the hard part about dying is surviving
                    

                     Coming to terms with your end
                           but its only the beginning of a new end
                                                                                      

                                                                                          I mourned for life

For my free thought anxiety,
I do like reading Web MD,
For medical catastrophes,
But what to do, in reality,
Send them off to a good GP,
For accurate diagnoses,
Then stop reading Web MD!

He worships me
As a goddess of health and cleanliness
Hygieia his hygieia
My beloved Hippocrates how are you love me so
And how I love you so
I wish we could be united as moral and goddess but our love is for bidden and we can all unite but in  secret
Come to my temple of healing and all of you as I see fit
My beloved physician

How real are they? These faded dreams
The line between
Anxiety and reality
twists
Like the knife I know
Was entered into me
Found in emails to doctors
I've forgotten I'd written.

You never forget the first time you scare a child with your white coat.

You never forget the first time you elicit CVA tenderness unexpectedly.

You never forget the first time you meet someone with ***.

You never forget the first time you have a trauma call for a motor vehicle accident or a gunshot wound.

You never forget the first time you comfort a patient who is crying because they don’t want to be in the hospital.

You never forget the first time you witness a patient and her family hear the words “You have cancer”.

You never forget the first baby you help deliver (you also never forget the mom).

You never forget the first time a patient admits they’ve attempted suicide in the past.

You never forget your first patient.

Being a medical student is a humbling experience.

I hope I never forget that either.

Paul, he likes his lighters and his spoon
“Taste that kerosene.” he offers
‘Nah, I’m cool.’

There are people running naked in the street
This one girl, she slipped
Her blood becoming a perfect illustration of a fractal as it mixed with the rain water
Snaking through the leaves
Trickling to the gutter
On its way to the sea
Lucky blood
I wish it was me

I hold the syringe up to the light
Double checking I got it right
And I wonder, in this moment, what you would think of me?

“So then” Paul slides down the wall to the floor
Legs spread in a V, he winks at me
Like a drunken ******* offering more
“What’s your poison?”

‘******. But don’t get excited Paul, that’s not what I’m here for.’

I expose his skin, and let the needle sink in

“You used to be such a good girl. Goody goody.”
He laughs from his spot on the floor
“Goody; such a weird word. But that’s what you were.”

I recap the needle, carefully now

"What happened to you, Goody? What?” He twitches and slides down more

‘The hospital would be more suited for you, ya know.'
I pack up his insulin, store it back in the fridge.

‘Okay Paul. I’ll be back in the morning. Try not to OD again.’

“Goody Goody.” He laughs up at me from his spot on the floor.
“Goody Goody, that’s what you were.”

History could hold
Clues to the mystery of
The mind and its way.

Take a moment to
Spend time in the memory
Of the day before.

How many ventilators can you buy for the price of an Aircraft Carrier?