They all think I'm getting better
they are proud of the steps I'm taking, but they can't see that I'm taking them backwards
My thoughts are killing me. I take my meds and save them up as well. Just to be sure I tell myself
But I know I will attempt
It hurts so bad that even my body can't handle it anymore
I'm shutting down like a concerthall, the lights going off one by one
I tried to sedate myself with smoke and blood, but nothing seems to help
It's been three years since I've seen the light
and although I'm still fighting for it to come back, I know in the back of my head that it's almost an impossible task to fulfill
I'm terrified
I don't know what to do anymore and I'm alone
I'm still too scared to love, I won't let people near me
This isn't the way I planned on living my life
The play is taking all of my energy
and I don't know how to get it back

I'm trying so hard to let the air in
But all I can seem to do is scream terrifying melodies
they broadcast the pain like it's some sort of freakshow
The watchers laugh at me while I'm trying to dance with the devil
One wants to give me a hand and tries to pull me out of the madness, but he fails
It's okay though. I like to watch him while I suffer. He reminds me of the good things in life
And although we can't touch hands just yet I know he's the one feeding me oxygen while  most people stay at the sideline to watch me gasp for air

She could’t breathe
She hated the pills that caused temporary relief
and now the last bit of air was crushed under the surface of a way too big depression
People around her saw the mask she put on
and although the person behind is was crumbling into little pieces they kept smiling at her like she was a statue finally found after years of being stolen
She made sure people knew she was as strong as that piece of brick
She made pain a friendly visitor and love a daily struggle
After years of suffering in silence she started to believe the lie she used as glue for her masks
Her pain became a crown and love became something to run from
But now her air was being stolen and she couldn’t fight back anymore
Years of holding the ball underwater made her arms sore and now her bones started to snap like sticks
It was clear who was winning the battle
She started finding peace in the thought of the everlasting darkness
She couldn’t breathe
And for the first time in years she stopped gasping for air

I come and go as I please
I will never let my guards down and if I do let them down, it’s by mistake
I love passion and seduction, but get too close and I wander off
I will walk in your life and you’ll think of me as interesting. You will get to know a little piece of my soul, still in my control. But you won’t know
As soon as you want more I'll leave
Even if you are all that I ever wanted, the thought of jumping in the unknown feels like ice cold water under my feet. I can’t bare it.
I will love you with all of my heart, but I’ll only show a part of it to you.
This makes me a difficult lover
You can love me, kiss me, grab me and I will let you. But don’t get too close to the person I really am. She’s terrified of love. She’ll find pleasure in pain because that’s all she’s ever known. My challenge for you is to change that. Make her jump out of the cage she built for herself. You won’t regret, I promise.

what if I told you every scratch on my arm, every scar and every drop of blood and every trace of smoke is there for a reason. Would you understand? I don't think so. I do understand that. But even if I do I want to say to you that I can't tell you that I'm sorry about this. The pain in my head is so unbearable that my skin is numb to the touch. Every drop of blood has a little pain in it, untill all the pain is gone. You could say my skin is a faucet. It lets the pain flow outside. The scars aren't pretty, but they keep me alive. The faucet isn't working properly, but it works good enough to keep me breathing

You were there, but there you weren’t,
There in the mess of my mind.
My dreams look sweet, but that’s simply deceit;
Dreams are where terrors hide.
I saw you once. No, twice! No, thrice!
But you vanished into the unknown.
Play nice with my demons, but please don’t feed them.
Oh my, how we’ve grown!
We’ve grown together and grown apart;
You had my all, then lost my heart.
It’s okay! It’s all fine! Just like it was that one night.
Now my head is spinning and my stomach’s in a knot;
the truth it makes me sick, but I’ll smile through the pain.
Have a wonderful life my dear. Think of me from time to time.
Take life like a shot of tequila: with some salt and a lime!

buried alive; (in) sane; or harakiri?

a trifecta of horror
cuts through the lush foliage while i
writhe in a nest of
eldritch entrails

anxiety
rises up like an ophidian
coils shedding every quarter of a noon
ready to strike -
i lose movement
and falter through the streets
the meeting rooms,
and the endless conversations that end in stalemates;

my anxiety
an ouroboros of volcanic self-effacement
spills into posh mental facilities (lies)
and shoddy hospitals that turn the sick into the living dead

humiliation
burns bright red (magenta)
and brands my delicate skin with age-old glyphs
they mark the end of a civilization

the birth of a metropolis
with twin suns and dark monoliths
where the mob guillotines the visionaries
and the artist dies a dog's death.