Life doesn't hurt until you think about how things have changed, people you've lost, and how much of it was
.....Your fault....

I wonder if killing yourself
is the only thing you can control in your entire life,
and that's why it's a sin.
Because you're beating God at his own game.

i really need to get some sleep
but here i am, over analyzing everything.

i can't even open up to anyone
without it being a joke.
you think all those jokes about wishing i was dead
are jokes?

i understand that you don't know me well enough
to understand what i'm trying to say
and why there is a half second of silence before the laughter
when they try to figure out if i mean it or not.

just because i don't look upset
or look unsettled
or look insane
or look
i don't know,
doesn't mean a thing.

just because i have no intent
doesn't mean my mind is silent.

maybe i'm just really smart,
keeping quiet,
too quiet.

i laugh about my problems
because it's the only way i can pretend they're not serious,
the only way i can control my emotions,
and then when i'm honest
for half a second,
it scares you.

you run away.

i thought we were going to be great friends,
but honestly,
who cares?