Push and pull
that's what you always seem to do.
I pour my whole soul into you,
and you answer with echoes
faint whispers
fading before they reach me.

I stretch myself thin
just to meet you halfway.
I ask if you're okay
even when I'm not.
I hug you
like maybe it’ll fix everything.

And still
you push me away.
You pushed me away.
I should’ve seen it.
A sign,
a shift.
Maybe you started to realize.
Maybe I came on too strong.
Maybe you finally got tired
tired of me.
Maybe time caught up to the truth,
and now you see me
how everyone else does.

So I step back.
I give you space,
let silence swell between us like fog.
I become a ghost in my own care,
quiet, careful, watching from the edge.

But like a fish out of water,
your breath turns shallow
and you pull me back in.
Suddenly, you’re the one
making sure I'm okay.
You trace the shape of my boundaries,
say you’re worried,
say you’re always here.

And I wonder
which version of you is true?
The one who holds me close,
or the one who keeps letting go?

And maybe that's what we are
a tide that never decides
whether to crash or retreat.
But just like the push and pull of the ocean,
while rough, we flow in a kind of harmony.
And although my energy is starting to erode,
I stay
a shoreline, waiting,
weathered but wide open.
Because some tides never stop returning,
even when they forget why they came.

when i talk about you i find myself saying,

“we always just miss each other, always the wrong time.”

but the truth we both know and never tell is we’ve been playing bumper cars.
the feelings are there even though we fight them, both waiting for the other to make the first move.
when you inevitably step up to take the lead, i follow suit.
we crash into each other, making the jokes and being just a little too close to keep calling ourselves friends.

“this is always how we are, we’ve always been like this.”

but then just as soon as it starts it’s all too intense, and we fall back to our corners waiting for the next moment.
you look at me the way you do and tease me with that smile.
i know our cars will bump and crash even when i steer away, and each time i turn around you’re there.

“i hope we’re happy in another universe, i think they deserve to be.”

but in this one we’ll keep just missing each other, always playing bumper cars.

When you fall in love for the first time
You won’t even know it’s happening
The dancing streets, heels against cobblestones
The glow of the lampposts
Things you wouldn’t even whisper
You are now ready to exclaim
The whole world is spinning and yet
It is perfectly still
In this great, big universe
It is just two sets of eyes
And the landmarks we created

The park benches where we were honest for the first time
Where you made sure i was okay before we got up
The truth can do that to you -
Knock the wind out of your sails

Or the first time we touched each other on purpose
I linked your arm with mine
And i could feel the stars burning above us
And the moon sneaking a glance
As we ‘forgot’ all about it
And you walked me home

The first time i went to that pizza place
I only joined you because we had things to discuss
Not for your company, why of course not
With every laugh
It became harder to think of a reason that i hated you in the first place

I thought only  i experienced the clock ticking slower
Every second you weren’t with me
But the calls and the texts
And the exasperated “where were you”s put that all to rest

So i made the leap
And served my heart on a silver platter
Full, beating and red
And i watched you watch it beat blue and gasp

But  now time doesn’t seem to pass at all when we’re together
And everytime we’re alone we wait for someone to join us;
our desperate eyes search, pleading with anyone to end our suffering
I watch you when i used to run to you
And i miss you when i see you every single day

I love you
But i can’t do this anymore
We can’t even pretend to be friends properly
I remember what you said
Believe me, every word
But I felt us that night
We saw each other for the first time
I don’t think I’ve ever had that with anyone
And despite what you say
I don’t think you have either

Strangers think we’re in love
Your friends and my friends
Steal glances every time we look at each other
We weren’t alone
It felt like it was just us
But everyone got to witness
The way we were
I didn’t stop smiling for three months

I miss you
I miss your honesty
I was trying to break down a wall
And you threw open the gates
Now i can’t even see the wall anymore

I’m on the outside looking in
Losing what we had was hard enough
I wasn’t prepared to lose you as a friend
I don’t think i’ll ever be
but we haven’t been friends for ages
So who are we kidding
I knew this didn’t need a dramatic close
You don’t need me to take a bow

So I was ready to watch you from afar
Having you in my rearview was better than not having you at all
But just as I take my first breaths
You hook yourself on
And I have to learn all over again

I refuse to do this anymore
We are not friends
You didn’t have to admit anything because i wasn’t prepared to lose you
But it’s time
For this ship to sail
You are losing me.

My friends asked me
Who is that guy?
Is he your boyfriend?
You always go out with him?

And all I can say is.
We are just friends.

Obviously it seem like a lie
But it's the sad truth
There was nothing more between us.

My workmates asked me
Do you have a boyfriend?
Who is that guy in your phone?
He's your boyfriend right?

And it pains me to say
He's just a friend

Every single time
With tears in my eyes
With the stinging pain feeling to say it out
We were just friends
Or used to be at least.

We are just friends
Friends with a special bond
We kiss
We hug
We meet almost everyday
We can't go a day without talking to each other
We miss each other the moment we part ways.
We only behave this way towards each other.
We are "just friends"
Weird how everything we do,
Are what couples do,
and yet,
We are only friends.

So one day, i might fall for someone new.
Someone who will love me and call me his girlfriend.
So do not blame me when i leave,
Because you just wanted to keep me as a friend despite loving me the same way as i have loved you .

you texted me...
i thought you never would
i missed you
so much of me wanted this
but this isnt how i thought it would be

i cant help but feel
like you have something else in mind
i cant fall for you again , i made a deal
i cant keep hurting myself over you
i cant apologize

its not that i didn't like you , i did  
but you never saw it
because it wasnt in the way your used to
so you had a fit like a little kid

i changed alot and im scared
i dont want you to hate the new me
that took so long to build
because no one else cared

im naturally a sad person
i write depressing poems
and i changed the way i dress
i want to be spontaneous
i forced myself to buy a thong
it sits in the back of my drawer
cause i still  hate my body and it just feels wrong
but i'm determined to change that
to love ever curve and stretchmark
even when my stomach isnt flat  

i dont know how long this is going to be
but im going to be the most authentic me
if you dont like the new me
then well you can leave again
but this time dont come back
just let me be