What is the name
For that feeling when
You you seem to be drawn
To another, like moths to the flame
Two magnets that cannot bear to be apart

When someone is
Stuck in your head like
The lyrics to your favorite song
As if they are a feast
And you haven’t eaten in weeks
Every little action brings them into,
Your head

When you are with them
You can’t get enough of
Their touch, their smell, their voice
But they are like a dying fire
Giving just enough
To make you want, no need, more

What do you call this
When you don’t know what it is yourself
What do you call it
When you seem like so much,
But you are just friends

If you love me,
Or ever did,
I beg you to stop.
Usually it would be the opposite
But as much as I hate being broken,
I hate being the one to break even more.
Before, I encouraged you to take the leap—
As long as it’s not me,
Be my guest.
I know how much loving in silence hurts,
But if you love me so much you’d understand why I value your silence.

I know that you only think of me as a friend, but there is just something about the way you act around me. the way your eyes light up like the sunlight streams through my curtains in the early morning. the way those very eyes look at me like you're trying to solve a puzzle and you can’t quite get the pieces to fit, but you force them to anyways. there is just something about the way you say my name, like the way a little kid learns a new word and finds himself saying it all throughout the day. the way you talk to me, and the way you know not to talk, but to just be there when the anxious thoughts creep in like a heavy fog during the night. I know that you only think of me as a friend, but there is just something about the way you make me feel. almost like you want to spend the rest of your mornings, days, and nights only saying my name, over and over and over.

He’s a **** they said
He’s inconsiderate they said
He’s shallow they said
Give it a week
You’ll hate him they said
But they were wrong
He wasn’t a ****
He truly thought it was the right thing to     do
He wanted me to be ok
He wasn’t inconsiderate
He didn’t want me to suffer more
And he thought I would if we dragged it on
He wasn’t shallow
He cared
He cried when we broke up
And I’ll never hate him
It will take me a long time to get over him
And a part of me will always love him
And I wanted to hate him
I wanted to be *******
I wanted to not want to see him again
And I couldn’t
I couldn’t hate him or be ******* or not want to see him
I loved him
And I wanted to be friends
But I had to keep telling myself
It will hurt a thousand times worse to be just friends

It was New Years Eve
I messaged you
Saying my depression was rearing its ugly head once more

And then you messaged me
You said you were sad too
Your family was telling you to move out again

Saying you're a worthless 13-year-old
That you're nothing
And no help

I told you that I wanted to take you away from there
And you said that you'd like that
And we continued talking about our feelings

How we felt
How you are wanted
Even if you don't believe it

You wished you could restart
Reset your life, you said
Do everything over again

I tried consoling you
But you kept contradicting me
Said that you didn't want to hurt anyone

You said you felt empty
I said that I feel the same
You said you felt nothing

I suppose I should have understood then
You said you felt nothing
I should have realized that included me too

You wanted to ask me something
I said go ahead
You said it would hurt me

Hurt

Me

Huh
It should have been obvious

I said I didn't care
I said if it meant you feeling better
You should hurt me

You started backing out
I kept telling you to ask me
I kept pushing you

You first asked if my feelings were different towards you
I said of course
My feelings only grew stronger

You told me
That that was a problem

I didn't understand

You told me you felt different
I said I'd help you

You told me that I wouldn't understand
I said I'd try, learn, support you

You became unsure
Said it was destroying you
But it would hurt me

You didn't want to hurt me
But I kept pushing

I said that I had been hurt many times
That I'd get over it quickly

I was so wrong

You said it would take me a really long time
Years, even

You were so right

You asked me to guess
I wasn't correct

You kept saying it would hurt me
That you didn't want to
You didn't want to hurt me

But I begged you
Pleaded
Telling you to hurt me, demanding it

You said you didn't want to
I gave in
Saying that I wouldn't push you anymore

You said that you didn't know
I tried making a joke
Because that's what I do

And you finally told me the thing

You said you just wanted to be friends

That you needed to be alone for a while

I remember tears
I remember shaking hands typing calm words
Trying to be as composed as possible

Said okay
I kept my word
Supported this decision

I guess you bought my act
I told our friends
They were all calm

Said okay
Moved on
So did you

But I didn't
Haven't
Can't

You were right

I am hurting

But I am not going to say anything

I remember crying
Going downstairs to eat
Seeing my aunt with her boyfriend

Jealousy
Putting on a smile
Laughing when I was supposed to

Watching the New Years kisses
Messaging my cousin
Facetiming for a bit

Messaging my mom
Talking to my sister
Getting in bed

Not sleeping
Opting for crying instead
Spending the rest of the break losing sleep

Crying
Crying some more
Seeing you on my birthday to see a movie

As friends

Popcorn, hands meeting

As friends

Walking you to your front door afterwards
Awkwardly hugging
Leaving not even pretending to smile

Pity from my mom
Until she grew tired of it
Started telling me to be happier

So I keep pretending
Even now

Although I talked about it a bit with our friends

I remember the feeling I get when someone mentions you

A sort of longing
A tugging in my gut, reaching for something
Reaching for you

Not getting you
Watching you from across the cafeteria

Wanting to force you back into my life
But never being able to

I remember a dream I had
I was on a date
And you were playing the piano at the back of the restaraunt

And you were jealous

And I was happy

Because finally

After all these months you finally show signs of caring

But it was just a dream

And I just want you even more

But I'll never have you

And it's my fault

Letting go of what you never had
Is the hardest task of all
I wore that today with my coke cola sweater....
And a coke bottle figure
I wore it like i had something to prove
Cuz losing you is the worst newz
I recieved this year
I used to stare from afar and dream
Now i just wonder why u ****** up things
Or why i even tried
Now i try to live a lie
And try not to stare and try not to hate
Try not to love
The very shape of your face
And your smile
And your hair
And im in air
Im afloat
And today i wore my coke cola sweater
And a coke bottle figure
With a little missing you
And it was the hardest thing to do
U used to be a daydream
Now youre just misery
And u try your best to inflict the most pain
Im just insane
Youre doing nothing
AND im not a thought on your mind
I never got an ounce of your time
When all you did was occupy mine
You were a movement
So i wore my heartbreak
And a coke cola sweater
With a coke bottle figure
And it was the hardest thing to feel nothing at all
For you.