I could not get you off of my mind
from the moment I met you
You set me blind
I felt something I never knew

everything was falling apart into a million pieces
but you were my center, my rock, my bliss
maybe it was because I was blindfolded that I couldn't see my weakness
but none of that mattered because you were there to save me from this

the nightmares then began
I don't know why they started
you just became a young man
I was so miserably surviving, half-hearted
They took my soul
Swallowed me whole
I lost me, you,
And felt nothing
But a black hole

I thought you could save me from this,
But I couldn’t even fathom to think
Of all of the misery I was already impeding you with

The depression wasn’t even the worst part
It was those intrusive thoughts
That made me detach myself so far apart
You didn’t understand and neither did I
All I felt was our love die

I’m sorry I left you because of my mind
I wanted our stars to be aligned
I’ve forgiven myself for all I can
There’s only so much
I can stand

As silence settles, and a kingdom of faint bronze on haunting ebony appears,
A scrawny lion spins a broken record in my ringing ear.

Weighted walnuts, or perhaps slow bullets, strike just below the spot where my ribs meet:
Mental hiccups.
Sentencing the calm to its defeat.

Then they come,
Crashing over my skin in icy waves,
Like ghostly spiders, leave raised footprints in their hurried wake.

Imagined strings lifting my hand towards the pin or blade,
Weightless ropes pulling my steps closer to the precipice.
The lazy, stilling terror in my stomach providing just enough weight
To keep me frozen in place.

They wrench open the doors protecting peace,
Obliterate the floodgates of my internal screams,
Marching in with their roiling hellhounds, uninvited,
Chanting horrid songs, voicing their desires, unrequited.

Over and over, their wretched requests bring horrific imagery about,
When they finally subside, taking with them prowling demons and low growls,
They neglect to close the door on their way out.

These members are not my own
They seep through the rapids
As I drown

They ask me questions
They tell me what to do
How to feel
And then condrtridict their own

*** am I supposed to do
When I can't get through?

i do not speak like a poet.
my words are clumsy and callous
and i often trip over my own tongue.
there is no beauty to my words
or thought to my form,
and my voice does not fall soft and slow
like honey song, drizzled sweetly into willing ears.
rather it is raspy and quick-tongued,
laced with mispronounced words and oddly said accents.
my sentences race ragged and jumpy,
with capricious contours and half-finished phrases,
and i often lose my train of thought.
impulsive and unrefined,
i do not speak like a poet.

— but on paper i am a different person

the aspects of your conquests are undeniably disgusting in my eyes
you would’nt leave to save my life
eyes that dictate the choices of my hours
i cant breathe
an example for the ages of how not to be occupied
i pray your smiles widens and your troubles cease
dreams by which i have begun to fade away
ethereal sit ins are the only thing keeping you here
i do not remember my last true presence
please give me my worth back
i havent seen her in so long
artificial artistic answers and cheap perfume are my specialty
your silence overwhelms faster than your words ever did
tell me what to throw shame towards and i’ll syncopate our reasoning to be here
i am fearful for the future more than ive ever been
a life withholding your substance is a life unattainable
i wake in the morning cursing whatever kept me here
outliving you will be my greatest  misfortune
seeing you carried down churns my chest and conquers my calm
i will not live to see you go
friend

I can't sleep
Surrounded in shadows
The A/C hums and
Moonlight slips in through broken blinds
The shows about to begin

The blankets tangle around my legs
My body tosses left and right
Incapable of ignoring the voices
These memories
They shuffle through my head
Intruding my dreams
Invading my thoughts

I can't sleep
Films featuring fear race through my head
Each one a perfect cut
Of moments in my life where
I was no longer in control
Moments when I was helpless
Moments where I am trapped
Simply a bystander to my own life

Suddenly a new scene appears
Taking off it's long worn
Camouflage that is used to hide
Right in between all the other
Ghastly happenings of my life

I can't sleep
I stare at the stars on my ceiling
Feel myself drift off into space
So far away

This memory is new and it hurts more
Than when it first happened

I can't make it stop
The voices won't stay quiet
It won't stop playing in my mind
The film is ******* endless

I can't sleep

Snap, snap
Against my wrist.
Snap, snap
Escape my twitch.
Snap, snap!

And I’m gone.
Slingshot, catapult, trampoline,
Snap. Snap.
Pull me back
Towards safety, baby
Snap, snap.

Something coiling
Above my stomach
Snap, snap:
Start to plummet,
Feeling nothing
Snap, snap:
Try to regain
All but chest pain
Snap, snap.

Begin to wonder
As I fall asunder
If this safety net
Hanging on my wrist
Would do me any better,
Apart in my fist –
Snap! Snap!

Don’t think these things,
I tell myself,
Snap, snap,
I hold myself
To my routine,
Snap, snap,
To keep me sane.