You have taught me how to hate    
                                                                 ­                                                
You have yourself to congratulate                                                                    ­                         
 You showed me what would be my fate                                                                    ­                                           
 and it was more than I could take                                                                    ­                                                   
  I still gave you everything I had                                                                          ­                                                
 You left me holding an empty bag                                                                          ­                                              
 Now you have dug your own grave                                                                       ­                                                      
I hope when you crawl in, it caves                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                        
I have since removed my heart                                                                 
   You'll never get another part                                                                      ­                                         
   It is time you feel the loss                                                                              ­                             
   Miss all the love you've lost                                                             
                                                                ­                                             
 When you realize that you were wrong,                                                                    ­                                        
  I will already be long gone                                                                                                       ­  
And all the hate you showed to me                                                                      ­                                                 
Will come back on you times three

Goodbyes were never meant to be a pause,
And I give none as I hand you the gauze,
Remove these tendrils desperately latching,
Leeching my light like a parasite
Para-social soul eating piranha
Gnashing and gnawing on my temperance
I’m no more a possession than you are artwork.

My bags are checked,
The skies bleed with oranges and pinks,
The clouds part to guide a pathway
Calling all gates.

My mind is full,
Not enough space,
Baggage not claimed
I lack the overhead.

My patience was tested,
Poked through my protective vest,
Warned that I would fly further than the Perseids,
A flash of light in the lumbering dark
And you would rather dance blindfolded,
So don’t ask for truths your teeth can’t chew
It’s painful, and I mean it down to the root.

Set me free,
And watch the dream
Dissolve into something beautiful
Hope again, despite crashing my plane
And endure another day.

I don't love you, nor you me                                                               ­                                               
   We are fused together in misery                                                           ­                                       
   Once hidden from visibility                                                       ­                                         
Now we radiate hostility                                                        ­                                            
    No more I love You's are said,                                                            ­                                                
Insults get hurled instead                                                                          ­                                            
 Back-to-back we lay in bed                                                              ­                                    
 Wishing that the other was dead                                                             ­                                               
                                                                ­                                                      
A volcano ready to erupt                                                            ­                    
                                                                ­                                                  
Yet nothing left between us                                                                     ­                                            
  Makes me wonder if there ever was                                                                                                      
Except the hate I always got                                                                   ­    
It's sick, it's sad, it hurts so much                                                                      ­                                
 That I chose to hate over love

We don't even talk anymore                                                          ­                                                                             ­                                                  
No goodbye kisses at the door                                                             ­                                               
  I've got my life & you have yours                                                            ­                                                
                                                                ­                                                  
  We are still together, what for?         
                                                   ­                                                                   
You pretend that you still care                                                             ­       
                                                                ­                                                   
   Your mixed messages aren't fair                                                             ­                                                   
                                                                ­                                                      
I can see through the blank stares                                                           ­                                                                   ­                                          
 You're still here, but you're not there                                                            ­                                         
                       ­                                                                 ­                        
    What the hell have we done to us?                                                                       ­                                             
Broken hearts, broken trust

Is it in your chemistry?
I wonder as I’m choking down
Tears scorching my throat like an acid rain
Hoping to bleach your name from my recesses
Built a bridge past the swap of your defenses
Tried to massage your heart without pretenses
But you burn me down.

Do you feel anything when you immolate
Everything sets you off like a hair trigger,
Bear trap my mind and clamp down while you drill deeper
Pour in your toxicity like a waste dump
And set it all on fire.
I’ll be the embers to dance at your command.
Ashes drifting like autumn leaves
Snow down in a distance like a winter dream.

Is it in our chemistry?
Do I excite you to ignition
Gods envy the way our bodies friction
But you believe the fiction,
So I’ll weep for an ending,
Burning my nerves as the acid’s etching.
Retching flames like an allergic fire eater
Your conflagration rings around me.

Are you the pallid horseman
Can I be the one to the blow the horn?
I’m weary and ready for an ending
And you burn me like white phosphorus .
Can we mix and tether,
One day coalesce
Solvent in your trepidation
Waters deeper than the ocean.

Is it in your chemistry?

Should we just have never embarked on this Exodus?

Maybe then I wouldn't have to be present in a future enraptured by your absence.

I look for you in the unfamiliar, pleading for a chance to atone for the times I didn't love you the way your spirit asked me to; begged me to.

I think life is sort of funny like that.

It gives us grief and torment, undertoned by conditions of stability and commitment, still masked by peace and contentment.

Life won't tell you "This suffering shall be yours after you've given shadow and sin,
bones and dreams,
beginnings and unendings"

It will let you know however, that forever is a fickle concept.
An anomaly of truth. An unworthy penance.

Forever is today telling you tomorrow won't be guaranteed, yet you defer and let momentous pleasure consume you.

Forever is you right now, unravelled, unmade, wondering when it will finally be you.

Life won't tell you "This suffering shall be yours when you're left with answers to questions you were scared to ask".

You assume shame should be a stark reminder, that maybe grace and longevity weren't meant to have been breathed into your "always".

Or maybe loving him was the only way to afford a glimpse of misfortune; what could never be if the two of you had become.

But that's not you, is it?

For you shame is nothing compared to the cold indents in your waist where his hands once took residence.
Or the ache between your legs where  futures were built in the stillness of nights and raucous of mornings.

Shame is nothing compared to his words of adoration to another; unshakable dedication to another.

Shame is nothing compared to this emptiness

To these words.

To the forever that never was

Pleasure seems only recognizable
after breeching the membrane of pain.
We were a beautiful catastrophe.
Sun after slashing rain.
Questioned by the sane.
Velvet and volatile.
Looking back at the stretches
of  blackened miles.
At all our infinite tries.
A sunrise and sunset were never destined to occur together.
You are my painful, passionate chance at never......

He watches me
going crazy in agony.
With his dark brown eyes
that hold me hostage.
His eyes don't follow me
neither do his ears or
mouth.

It hurts to be in love.

Being put on the back burner
left to forget
or told to sit in the corner
for being a bad girl again.
I've drawn all over the walls
with permanent markers
and the paint peels
when trying to clean it off.

There isn't much I wouldn't do
for him.
I would shoot up a car he was in.
Pick the most beautiful abstract art.
Jump off a cliff to land on broken
glass bottles
and try with my lack of skill
to pen him even more beautiful
love poetry.

I feel lost
in my own house.
My heart is like
a race horse running it's last lap.
Every noise startles me
and he's no where to be found.
Not to comfort
or to hold
He's just vacant
with no room at the inn for me.

I've written him hundreds of
poetry. Even when he left me
I still
kept writing.
I'm a fool
I know.
and the sadness that
comes with it all
saturates my sheets
keeps my head foggy
and my bed empty.

Being in love is hard.
When you have no one to talk to,
and strangers get the best parts of
him.
What's left for me?
scraps in a metal bowl
that his father kicks around
because it's in the way.

I couldn't let go of him
Even when he demanded I do.
Now we're here in this space of
being together but not.
and I cry
into my pills
into my cup of tea
and it over flows
becoming salty.

Where do I go from this.
I feel it slowly breaking inside.
Being not heard or understood
on top of it all makes even more
tears kiss my pillow at night.

After I ash out the final cigar of the
night. After trying to talk to him
but he couldn't choose between me
and a computer game.

I think the answer is louder than my silence.