I thought a single line of white dust up your right nostril can numb away the pain
That countless nights of drunken stupors could make me forget
That constantly telling myself I'm just experimenting and not suppressing
Hoping one day I'd forgive him but only finding myself regretting
You see I'm not addicted to the substance
I'm addicted to blame, blaming him for the pain
I'm addicted to the anger, the anger that he triggers when i realize I'm turning into him.

Always intoxicated on some other ailment. Intoxicated on the lustful idea that we could be the perfect pair
but now all i think is how i wasn't good enough, how K & L are your legacy, and I'm just a girl who you once said you loved, but don't bother to acknowledge.

You see dad, I denied my anger for so long
Said it was all in my head
but now i realize, I forgive you, because the more hate i fuel the more hate i feel

Is it too late?

Those words were painful to hear when you told it
I don't know if you know it
Because I certainly don't show it
And won't bring it up in conversation
Only via written representation
Can I say it without hesitation
So here goes it...

You know you lied...
(To yourself mainly)
A total fabrication
One that destroyed my vision of someone sacred
Altered love to blind hatred without persuasion
From which I'm now trying to retrain
Because I've missed out on important days
That should've been filled with celebration

Why not just give me an honest and open statement?
Like what you asked of me from an early age...
Was it to minimise the ache?
To save face from something failed?
To create distance from the ways in which you assumed everyone would frame it?

Anyway
That's me saying it as plainly as I can say it
About the way that you behaved then
And maybe
Just maybe
What I've said here
Will aid you in
Bringing closure to anything remaining
So that each and every day
You can pave more of your way
In coming to terms with all the hating
That you seem to linger in after waking

Spent the last few years
Living in disarray,

Always chasing safety,
Hoping I'd make it someday.

But safety only
Goes so far,

When I'm always
Going to war
With myself

And all I leave are
Scars.

Stuck in a dreamscape
Battlefield that makes it
Hard to go to sleep.

Post-traumatic stress
And nightmares eating me
For days,

Sometimes,
I just want to scream
And disappear for days.

Some days, I wonder,
Is there an end to
This storm?

Is there a better way to cope
Or will I have to suffer
A little more?

Holding on the hope you will return
For a moment think that you have
Brief impulse is all that I've earned
Resist coming completely back

I'm lying beneath skies full of stars
Frozen ground padding my head
Weakly wondering where you are
Pushing up buried expressions unsaid

The deep roots are tough to rip loose
They've been planted profoundly for so long
Forlorn because I failed to use
Fearing they'd come out wrong

Anguish has now awakened
Manifestation of my flaws
Regretting the path taken
Past a parasite that gnaws

The thought of freedom makes me laugh
Existing but actually dead
Like the way I cope with being half
Acting like I'm whole instead

Isolation is an alien feeling
Heard stories but had no clue
Hardly remember what it means to start healing
Never had a cut as deep as you

031224

Ikaw ang alaalang nais kong ibaon sa limot —
Ang kalimutan ka ay kalayaan ko.
Ikaw ang larawang sana’y kumupas na
At handa ako kung anayin na
Ang mga sandaling kasama ka.

Sa tuwing pumipikit ako’y
Dinadalaw mo pa rin ang aking isipan
At maging sa panaginip,
Ako’y tila binabangungot
At magigising nang bigla ang aking ulirat.

Ang bawat patak ng luha’y ni hindi na masukat
Gaya ng ulang walang himpil na pagbagsak.
Kung sana noong una’y binitawan ka na agad,
Sana’y hindi nagdurusa ang puso kong pagod na.

You and I,
We've tried to be good.
The self flagellation we took part in
Has left whip marks on us
That will betray
Our forced smiles and forked tongues.
We will be better
This time.
Show me agony, yours, and I will show you mine.
Meanwhile we will make do
Until the pain is gone,
Until breath can come
Without gnashing and gasping.
Meanwhile we will trudge the canyons,
Kick against the snakes that lap at our heels.
Meanwhile we'll lie in the harsh landscape
And see, overhead, the geese we read about
A dozen Summers ago;
Watch them as they continue on.
Watch as they disappear over the horizon.
Watch as metaphor becomes reality.
Whoever you are now, whatever time has turned you into,
Let the canyon buckle beneath your feat.
Lay the whip down
And claim your place
In your chosen family of things.

Will it burn me up?
This extraordinary love?
I let my self go

my healing won't be found
in the hollows of you heart
it won't slide down your cheeks like fake tears
my healing is a light
And you can't take it away