#ftm poems on Hello Poetry

Quill Apr 2021

I sit inside a body in blood that isnt my own. There are voices calling out a name, a name attached to this vessel. It's not mine.
I am conscious of my state, this sentience pains me.
I know what's out there. I know my potential, what I could be. This barrier of skin and blood prevents me. It hurts.
I'll sit in this shell of a body to be perceived by those who happen to pass by. Wading in blood that isnt my own, with skin like marble begging to be carved into, and I won't mind.
This body isnt my body, my body is inside.

I wrote this inspired by a nightmare I had once, where I was trapped in the shell of a plastic gargoyle, sitting in blood that I knew wasn't mine. Looking back on it, my brain was probably trying to make sense of my feelings, but the nightmare has stuck with me.

#trans #dreams #nightmare #dysphoria #dysmorphia #ftm

Ren Sturgis Mar 2021

Voice Dysphoria

****.
This *****.
Voice dysphoria is a *****, they weren't lying when they said that second puberty really hits.
Every time I try to sing it cracks and ****.
Wake up every morning sounding sick.
I just want a deep voice like corpse.
But instead I just sound like a pony, a little hoarse.
****.
This *****.

Nov, 2020

#voicedysphoria #dysphoria #ftm #transgender #transmasc #trans #secondpuberty

Ren Sturgis Mar 2021

#T

In my hands I hold a pen, not a needle, but a pen.
Oh how I wish it were the needle.
Both hold the expression to that which I hold dearly.
For it's not just a pen or a needle that I hold;
It is me!

#pen #expression #t #testosterone #ftm #transgender #trans #transmasc

Eli Jan 2021

Boy

Am I
a boy?

or

Is my mind
a toy?

My realization of being trans came about a few days ago. I affectively came out to myself in another poem I published here. But, I'm still dealing with doubts and wondering whether or not I'm faking or if the answer I've stumbled across is wrong.

#transgender #trans #ftm #self #discovery #doubt

Eli Jan 2021

Sir

There was
a time
I got called
"Sir"

And
unexpectedly so
I floated to
the top of
The World.

Why?

Why did that happen?

Don't say it.

The answer's
pricked me with
a sharp pin.

Everyone else
that knows
has poked at it.

But
I guess
this is what
you call
denial.

Euphoria comes.

But
I stuff it down.
Try to forget.

Then
I accuse myself
of not knowing
who I Am.

When really,
I'm afraid
of the answer.

Of what it means
and
being wrong

But
maybe I shouldn't
give a ****.

What if
this is
the thing
I need to do?

What if
this is
My Path
to being strong?

#self #questioning #transgender #ftm #trans

E Jan 2021

why bear children to make them bear darkness.

little me, why so sorrow?
what makes you disconnect?

seeing your body in pictures
sent shivers down your neck
the rhythmic beating
pounding as an alarm
body restless
when will you get rest then?

little me, you waited quite a while
family's opinions turned vile
it didn't matter much
you never connected
only as much as
a charger is to phone

escapism buried her
when he could be online
reversing roles and affirming yourself
only gained so much self help
a tool to be unlocked

little me, you had blocks in front of you
you played with them as trial
until they weren't meanwhile
so what did it mean to you?
what did you learn?
how did you grow?
what did you learn?

little me, you're too young to understand
one day you'll find who I am
we've always been together
tight knit and forever
don't lose the game of cards
unless you want your graveyard

Saw a picture of myself from about 6 or 7 years ago and felt inclined to write a message to myself then. If I met a younger version of myself, I wouldn't have told them everything that's happened so far. I would've just asked them why they do the things they do, and to think critically. having exposure to internet was great, but it did rot my mind.

#queer #ftm #trans #genderqueer #lgbt #lgbtq #latenight

Arden Dec 2020

reckless fantasy

I have a crush on death
And it's growing every day

                 I grab the bottle

Maybe its time to slip away
Into the darkness
Let the pain swallow me up

                 I take off the top

My thoughts would slow and
Soften to a hum

                 I reach for the rope

My eyes would close for the last time
I never have to see myself again

                  I tie the noose

How wonderful it would be
To never have another thought
To never hear my voice again
To finally make it stop

                  I revise my note
  . .
   . .
    . .

But
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude reality

                  I put the bottle away
                  I untie the rope
                  I place the note with the others

        Take a deep breath and
        Keep these moments to myself

not sure how i feel about the ending

#death #pain #depression #bpd #suicide #mentalhealth #fantasy #reckless #ftm #help