Shadow talk about
Z  o  n  i  n  g out
Like I’m not haunted
By its icy ghosts.

Fingers hold my eyes open
To memories of the last time,
Ones I’d hoped to
Never feel again.

I remember that my heart
Imploded, and my bones
Crumpled under the pressure
Of guilt, or pain, or shame.

My skin peeled back to
Reveal bleeding muscle and
Torn heart strings, still
Trying to play a happy song.

My eyes turned broken
Faucets the night he left
And I was so sure
He would never come home to me.

I stayed awake as long as
The lights stayed on,
And fell asleep trying to
Convince myself he still loved me.

A silent look lingers,
Blurred to your angel face.
You tell me you can’t
Handle the stress anymore,
(Don’t you know how hard I’m trying?)
That it’s taking a toll.
(You think I don’t already know?)

A flood of tears held back
By dams behind my eyelids.
The anchor in my throat
Has me screeching to a halt.

You tell me that
Everything I once had, I can
Get it right back,
(Don’t you remember how unhappy I was?)
Because you can’t bear the weight.
(I see how unhappy you are.)

White flags high up;
Toasts from empty cups.
I’d give my life to
Ease your strain.
(Don’t you know how much I’ve prayed?)

Wake up and my
Head is cracking
Like Kentucky pavement.

Foggy and frustrated;
(At what?)
**** this, **** that.
Morning ******* *****
Worse than Kentucky pavement.

Coffee caresses my nostrils
And lures me to the kitchen
By hand. Inhale deep
Like the first drag of a stress cig.
Pour.
       Sip.
              I’m a brand new *****.

To people who doubted me
I don't want your respect
I feel like I'm next
life putting me through test
no bulletproof vest
taking shots like Hennessey to the chest
I'm really perplexed
I'm running the rhyme
I need no rest
A hundred bands feels better than ***
baby blowing my like she play clarinet
obsessed with these words
but haven't produced a check
The state of mind is understood even less

Desolate and barren,
The canyons call to me
Like the coyote calling the moon.
It feels so familiar,
Feels just like home.

Lugubrious and dwelling,
This weight cannot leave my
Chest until I relieve it;
And I can’t succeed,
Not this time.

Swallowed up into a sea,
I forfeit to a controlled fate.
Yes, I feel the downward spiral.
Yes, I sense the impending disaster.
No, I cannot bring myself to change it.

Here, I fall so short.
I never claimed to be an angel;
In fact, the Devil loves me.
I take his demons and allow
Them shelter within me.

Yes, I know the damage done.
Yes, I will never stop the spiral.
No, I cannot bring myself to change,
And that is where I continue
To
         f
              a
                     l
                          l
                                 short.

I can’t love you gently,
It isn’t in my blood
To only give a portion
Of this heart.

I can’t love you gently;
My bones creak your
Name and my skin
Smells of you.

No, I can’t love you gently
When all this vessel is,
Is heart, and love, and
Love, and love.

I love with all of me;
I love fiercely and with
Strength. I can’t be loved,
Nor can I love you, gently.

Hang me
Like a Dali painting.
Oil on canvas,
Blood on skin.
No one understands me
Anyway.

Drape me
Like foreign fabric.
Silk on bedsheets,
Clothing to vessel.
No one feels my softness
Anyway.

Fold me
Like intricate origami.
Paper to paper,
Chest to chest.
No one feels the heartbeat
Anyway.

I am hard again.
There is concrete and it traps me.
There is a numbness and I can feel it.

I am not well, in dream state;
Unconscious and heavy
With guilt.

I am changing,
    And it is chaos.
I am changing,
     And it is destruction.

I’m soft again.
There is a river and it fills me.
There is feeling again, and how I feel it.

I’m awake and alive,
Full and bursting
With love.

I am changing,
     And it hurts.
I am changing,
     And I love it.

All I want is to grow.
My heart aches for it,
My bones scream.
In the dark silence
That sits inside and listens,
A lilac endlessly grows,
Withers,
Dies.

Its petals float to sea
And carried away by the wind.
They’re brought back to me
In forms of seashells,
Cracked and crooked.
I piece them together like
A riddle on my tongue.
All I want is to create,
And destroy,
And rebuild.

Insecurity.
Hold it until the
Alcohol takes over
And the courage you
Hide from all
Spills out like
Oil from ruptured,
Rusted pipelines.

Insecurity.
I hold it like
A security blanket.
Being high takes
All of my courage
And lulls it to
A whispering halt.
Let go.