i feel like i'm stuck
on earth
because my As don't have stars next to them
so i'm a galaxy behind
everyone
else.

i didn't know you
but i think about you everyday

you were a friend of a boy whose brother i knew
and that's where i got the news
that you hung yourself when the pressure rose
your neck purple, the ground an inch too far from your toes
the ****** education system that got to your head
the grades and the scores and the race making you wish you were dead
you couldn't handle the look on your mom's face
"mom, i came second, not first, today"
you loved her, you loved your dad too
you loved your guitar, your band, the girl whose eyes were a million shades of blue
but the waves rose and you couldn't keep up
maybe it was just ill-fate or bad luck
you were just another fish swimming for dear life
but you were shoved away by the rough unforgiving tides
drowning, slowly, then all at once,
you went from being top of your class to being called a dunce
the disappointment and the rage and the wrinkles of stress on your mother's skin
made that sadness grow deeper and deeper within
until one day you realized it was better to give in

and so you climbed up that chair
pushed it away with your feet
kissed a picture of her
and listened to the last of your heart beat
hanging in the air
you whispered goodbye
"mother, i tried, i really did try"
and the wind left your lungs
the blood stopped in your veins
you dived away from reality
swimming into a new kind of pain

i think of you often
the friend of a boy whose brother i knew
i think of you often
because i can relate to you

its getting harder
the pressure, the stress
nothing is enough
not even my best
i think of joining you
in that darkness of bliss
looking at the world around me
there won't be much to miss
this rat race of doom running after a life of success
for me, it's just no longer worth it
so call me a coward or say i lost
but maybe death will give me what i want most
an escape from always having to win
an escape from the emptiness eating me from within

i think of you often
and i would like to know
are you happier now?
away from woe?

if you were here
would you advise me to stay?
or would you tell me to climb
that same chair, with the same belt, in the same room, at same same hour
in the exact
*same
way.

Finally they're done
A year until the next

I can't do anything now
It's over, is the test

Biology, chemistry, physics
All three I made a mess

There's no point dwelling in
sadness hope I tried my best

There's nothing to do now
except hope and wait and rest

I don't really care for this
it means nothing to me
in a few years or many more
I'll forget all I've seen
all I learned
'cause it ment nothing
at the time
just a lost and empty soul
that I'll eventually find
and I'll realise why I did this
whether I regret it or not
'cause something that ment nothing
could eventually mean a lot

the bell rings
and i'm out of breath
did i do well today?
what will my parents say?
i stand in my loneliness
on top of the world
the view is great
the air is cooler than normal

but suddenly i feel so afraid of the void
trying to comfort myself
i say i can't be perfect
i start to let myself go
under the numbers and grades
i run, so lost in this maze

i must make it
i must see it through
but will i ever be enough?

these mixed thoughts engulf me
with my life on the line
i pretend to be careless
for a moment i smile

but it comes back to me
hitting me with a greater force
i fall to my feet
this isn't the first time

i've been here before
i'm getting used to it
why do i even fake it?
the loneliness blossoms in the sun

the world looks so small now

i try to avoid the feeling
but i can't no matter how i try
my grades scrape the ground
even though i stand so high

the world looks so small now

when the heat becomes too much
i leave the expectations behind

forever, i'm scarred
hurt by the statistics
the world is getting closer now
*its grown so big

Why is it that evrytime I am trying
To study for my exams, to prevent me from failing
I often find my self just staring
To the ceiling that once was nothing but plain boring
But after studying, the ceiling becomes more interesting
Tell me what is it with studying, that makes everything
Interesting
Well everything, except for studying...

Please let me leave

Mountains have risen up
that I created
by leaving my clothes in a pile
by tossing my responsibilities upon it
by heaping insult upon injury
by throwing caution to the wind
and by washing my mind down the drain.


Just let me leave

Too many times have I yearned to breathe
to inhale without holding back
to take it all in
to smell the roses
to take a deep breath....
and then breathe it out
blowing dandelions
letting it all out
exhaling without care.


Let me go.

I've given up on so many things I cared about
Too many of them were important
and now I have no excuses
except that I lost hope
and I thought I couldn't finish
and I believed it wasn't worthwhile
and the pain was too much to bear
and I didn't believe it would get any better.


Can I go home?

Finals week is taking its toll,
and nothing can make this better
except a big comfy bed
a mother's embrace in the morning
a hot cup of coffee in pajamas
tv shows I loved as a kid
brothers to goof around with
a smoothie when dad gets home.

I just want to go home.

And here am I
Saturday's brain
Saturated and static
Beautifully buzzing with anticipation
Glowing, large, gorgeous
I am rotund and proud
Filled with the blissful tension leading
Up to letting go

My heart, like roaring drizzle
Breathes up through my collarbones
out my shoulders and ears
A steady humming in my veins
My earlobes murmuring
In agreement

I think
I'll break the surface now