Memories replay in slow motion of my last moment before throwing my soul into the abyss.  

The void of whiteness.
Is my new home.

The wrath of this dying world, spared me from karma and now an irreversible act been committed by my own doing!

I chose to follow this path. I tie no, faults or blame to anyone.  Condemn anyone around, you for what sake?

What would you give or take?

To find peace within my eternal absence?

Is that how, you wish to remember me?

Various emotions all calling out to me.  The weight of consciousness decreasing, unable to vividly, and physically express concerns that are no longer part of me.

People whom entered my life from the past to future fill my eyes.

  Now, they all surround me for the last goodbye.

Not the reunion, a peace bringer would slay for. Where we cannot touch or exchange words.

My magic will live on!
Ever more so, even if my essence expires.

I've searched for solace.

I've even conspired against time

To search beyond the means of obtainable comfort.

Remember my voice

One day, you may not hear it anymore

Remember my touch....

All you'll have left to
remember me by is the wind....

I lived to immortalize our values

When our values could have immortalized us....

I lived to bring all of you to life!

Even though mine was treated
like it's a game
My life is not fit
For a book or frame

This life meant to be.
Was never meant for me.
Mindless self indulgence.
Just another memory.

Is there more after this purpose?

I am not absolutely certain.

No more troubling questions.

My apologies for being a burden.

I used to wait for you,
Right here in this corner
And when I felt quite blue
Your hug would make me warmer

But now the days have changed,
I step big steps on my own  path
I feel we've got estranged
It's really done, I've done the math

That one time when you didn't hear me
Followed by the other time you didn't see me
I'm telling you one plus one is two, my friend
I've done the math, we've reached the end.

How ill-prepared
Are we
For the
Inevitability of
The end

[feb]
2020 was the year of discomfort and change
through a chain of spontaenous events or accidents
i started work as a prisons counsellor, with no experience to my name
in an unfamiliar sea of faces, setting and processes
i encountered foreign species called case concepts and case discussions

[apr]
although i loved what i did,
when the storm came 2 months into work
it felt like a struggle to breathe
alternating between
head over water
and water over head

lifebuoys were thrown at me
but in the cold and darkness
i found it hard to see

at the same time i started learning to climb
loving the challenge to the top
despite my fear of being high up the rocks
the climbs were accompanied by countless falls
and there were times i let my fear conquer it all

[dec]
after a year of discomfort and change
through waves of self-reflection and self-confrontation
climbing into and above myself after much pain
learning to savor the beauty between and within each complication

i'm slowly befriending the species of case concepts and case discussions
and though i know there is more that has yet to happen
and the climbs are still accompanied by countless falls
whether the highs or the lows, i've learned (and am still learning) to love it all

We looked
             like many
                         things, but
                                       in the end
                                                 we were none.