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fisharedrowning Dec 2020
[feb]
2020 was the year of discomfort and change
through a chain of spontaenous events or accidents
i started work as a prisons counsellor, with no experience to my name
in an unfamiliar sea of faces, setting and processes
i encountered foreign species called case concepts and case discussions

[apr]
although i loved what i did,
when the storm came 2 months into work
it felt like a struggle to breathe
alternating between
head over water
and water over head

lifebuoys were thrown at me
but in the cold and darkness
i found it hard to see

at the same time i started learning to climb
loving the challenge to the top
despite my fear of being high up the rocks
the climbs were accompanied by countless falls
and there were times i let my fear conquer it all

[dec]
after a year of discomfort and change
through waves of self-reflection and self-confrontation
climbing into and above myself after much pain
learning to savor the beauty between and within each complication

i'm slowly befriending the species of case concepts and case discussions
and though i know there is more that has yet to happen
and the climbs are still accompanied by countless falls
whether the highs or the lows, i've learned (and am still learning) to love it all
fisharedrowning May 2020
i am stuck in a world where the days repeat,
as the calendar looks back at me in deceit.
and even the sands of time look the same,
when the hands on the clock constantly change.

it felt like just yesterday when it was january,
when we made our hopes and wishes merrily.
blissfully naive on what was to come;
dreams, plans and lives having come undone.

alas, i am one of the fortunate ones,
allowed to continue with life since it's begun.
but in moments like this i feel really small,
confronted by life within these four walls.

i try my best to fill the silence,
while the world outside rings with sirens.
the pressure to be productive calls out in this commotion,
vacuum expanding till i'm near implosion.

and i feel guilty for feeling that way,
for there are people fighting through their days.
but i know their battles aren't mine to fight,
and till then i will focus on mine,
from within these four walls,
until there is light.
Regarding coronacation.
fisharedrowning May 2019
i made sworn enemies out of Monday.
fumbling, ruminating.
clock ticks by;
helplessly hiding,
glass encloses me.

"i don't understand...
why does it have to be so hard?"

like a pendulum,
fumbling, swinging,
between hope for the future,
and despair for the inevitable.

don't get me wrong,
even i tried hard at something once:
piano, guitar, ukelele,
stories, poetry, photography...

even i had moments,
of rainbows and roses;
while fully aware,
of storms and thorns.

like a pendulum,
fumbling, spinning;
dizzy from pain,
or happiness, depending.

i don't understand...
why life has to be so hard.
  Jul 2018 fisharedrowning
Cné

paint me
with the wet tickle
of your tongue
lingering with affection
savoring my fervent flavor
in bold strokes
of your obsession

color my essence
in heated hues
sending shivers
down my spine
in anticipation
of your warm breath
against my flesh
with every blissful caress
to ensue painted petals
of animation

with your supple lips
gently blur the lines
of my curved hips
softly stroking
the subtle shadows
of warm depth,
blushing
quivering thighs
as I gasp
of breath

plunge in
a primer coated palette
dipping your stiff paintbrush
deep within
the folds of my blanket
manipulating
a trembling image
of your voracious lust.

craze me
again and again
in breathless
****** glow,
your sensual brushstrokes
gently murmuring
layer on layer
in alla prima flow

delve deep
into my eyes
paint splattering
the passion
of my soul
drizzling silken strands
of love
in their entirety,
polishing me whole

and then
in blissful backwash
admire
the tangled limbs
interposed
of your
completed masterpiece
in smiling
sated repose

fisharedrowning Jun 2018
spinning round and round, i
cry into the eternity,
that i've chosen to hide myself in,
i can't go back now.

this dark pain in me,
stains the grey clouds, till it
seeps into my skin, continuing,
i'm just tired of numbness,
i don't know if i can ever
survive the empty night.

if you pushed me one more step,
if i told you how i felt,
we might not return from here,
we could never turn back.
if i took just one more step,
if i closed my eyes, made a choice,
maybe it won't matter then,
because all will fade to black.

maybe this is all a dream,
maybe nothing else is real,
you and everyone around,
blurring faded figurines.
maybe my heart stopped existing,
the moment i breathed the night,
paralyzed in uncertainty, i
fall into a deep nightmare.

will time start turning again?
will i find myself again?
in this icy world where i have paused,
but the world keeps on flowing.
maybe someday i won't mind,
maybe one day it won't matter,
because i will use these hands and
make it all fade to black.
I want to dig my fingers past the muscle
and pull out my heart
so that i don't have to bear
the arrhythmic beating.
the banging on the drums
that cuts at my veins
which stings my wrists
places that I've bled before
fresh wounds
pouring out sweet regret
alternative realities unexplored
I wish I could've loved you.
Written 5/14/18
fisharedrowning Jun 2018
the ocean is never still.
it ebbs and flows,
sweeping me from the shore,
in rhythms of ones and twos.

i held my breath and counted in threes,
in the darkness i couldn't see.
waves crashing,
one step forward;
two steps back;
leaving me helpless,
powerless,
pulled towards the whims of the moon,
looming over me.

in between gasps,
i squeezed my eyes opened.
peering between tides, i realized,
i was right where i started.
neither pulled back, nor forward;
i am here,
in the present.

the storm i thought would break me,
passes through me like rain.
i float along the ebb and flow,
trusting the highs
and lows.
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