im dying
you can't see it because its on the inside
but i am dying

I have so much to do
yet so little time
not a penny to spend
but there's so much I need to buy
not a dollar in my pocket
and my gas light's on
I need more money
but I work, a minimum wage job
I'm behind in my online class
and can't seem to get it done
I told my mom I've submitted more assignments
when I've only half-completed some
I just failed government
a course I'm required to pass
I might not get to graduate
when all I want to do, is leave high school in the past
I just want to be happy
but lately, even breathing is hard
I need a drink and joint
and I'm still too young for the bar
the stress is like cancer
slowly taking my life away
these days, I don't even sleep
because the anxiety keeps me awake

My heart is beating
My heart is pleading
To be saved
It's going bad
It's going mad
It needs help now
Before it stops making a sound
It's yelling and yelling
It's swelling and swelling
But when it screams,
No one ever hears
They are just standing there
They just stare
It's breaking and breaking
Everything's shaking
I feel a sharp pain
Something that feels like a chain
Suffocating me
It rips through my soul
It's making holes
Then it gets to my heart
And tears it apart
Then it crumbles
And tumbles
Down a dark hole
I lose myself
And I am forced to live in the shadow
Of someone else.

I'm falling
Slowly
Falling
Into a deep black space
Nothing there
No one cares
That i'm
Falling
Dying
Inside
I smile
It pains me
I can't speak
I can't
It hurts
So silent's
My last resort.

I went out today because I carry a cross,
I went out yesterday because I wanted to,
Each and every day, I come to think of you
Can you at least come to think of me too?
This is a distorted poem,
Nothing like the usual,
but worth reading like the pain worth feeling,
Endure so much, that's what makes us.

I'm disappointed I'm not rich.
I'm disappointed I don't come from a wealthy family.
I'm disappointed I'm not white and beautiful.
I'm disappointed I have depression.
I'm disappointed in everyone I fell in love with.
I'm disappointed I didn't get into the school I had been working my whole life for.
I'm disappointed with all the failures I've had I'm my life because they are practically my life.
I'm disappointed I had to be strong and disappointed.


And I'm just so sick of being disappointed that I'm sad.

My emotions dry and crumble as leaves do.
The smell of pumpkin and cardamom
Reminds me of the day I cut myself
Deeper than I ever had before.

I've built a "wall" around myself,
A wall built up out ice,
Around my heart,
And it is the only thing that keeps me going.
If not for this "wall" then I'd be gone.
This "wall" is the smile on my face,
It is the voice of laughter you hear everyday,
But this "wall" can't hold out much longer.
It is slowly melting,
Breaking down,
My last hope of refuge in this world is gone.