Isn't it funny how
You can grow up with someone
And how they can be
Your best friend
For over half your life
And then suddenly
They start to drift away
And there's nothing you can do
To pull them back
The current is too strong
You know in your heart
They don't want you anymore
It wasn't meant to be
You blame yourself
You cry and cry until there's nothing left in you anymore
You cry until the fight is all gone
You fall
You crumble
Isn't it funny how
The ones who used to know you better than anyone
Can suddenly feel like
A stranger.

We were both very close,
like two peas in a pod.
Me and you against the world.
Why have we drifted?

We used to go out on sundays,
movie was our weekend thing,
and now those times are gone.
Why have we drifted?

You said you were doing all these for me,
so I can have a better future,
then you're asking me when will I leave home.
Why have we drifted?

And now you're out with some other girl,
coming home late,
is there no more family in us?
Why have we drifted?

I used to want to ask for hugs,
and maybe you were my shoulder to lean on,
now I don't even want to talk to anyone.
Why have we drifted?

You were my anchor,
my support,
and now all I ever want is to die.
Why have we drifted?

I am no watch dog,
waiting for you to come back.
I am sick of all of this.
Why have we drifted?

Where are you when I needed you most?
I was your little girl,
and you my hero.
Why have we drifted?

We have we drifted,
and we will just keep drifting
                  
                                        and drifting...

Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is ask for help. I need help…gawd…I need help. And I desperately want to throw up my arms and have someone to make all of the decisions for me. I feel like I have lost so much already. I want someone to save me because I cannot save myself. Which sounds ridiculous and obviously is not possible since I am an adult and have to save myself.

The past few weeks, heck be honest this whole year has been dreadful. I am so depressed and dissociative that I barely know what to do with myself, on the rare occasions when I am myself. I am just drifting...

There is not much anyone can do for me. This morning when I become conscious of just how bad it had been last night I realized I should probably make a safety plan. And so I did. I reached out to a friend of mine and asked her to check on me at night. And that if I did not respond to wait 15 minutes and try again – and then if no response…well, that is where I get lost. Then what? Call DT? Call 911? Then what? I do not want to go to the hospital.

And I did not even call DT to tell him just how bad it is right now. Cause right now, at least in my crazy brain….he does not care, or will tell me to call someone else, or “grow up”…or anything of the sort – it will surely make things worse now….so I did not call him. Bad decision? Maybe – but I am famous for those lately.

I want to write….however I do not want to worry people who care about me. I know I have people who love me, who care about me greatly…and I love them in return. I do not know what is wrong with me – why cannot I FEEL it? Why is it not enough?  I surely do not know.  All I do know is that I am filled with depression and thoughts of death are being knocked around my head like a game of pool.  I am just waiting for the 8-ball to hit the corner pocket...and that will be it.

Where is the anchor that is supposed to tie me to this world?

I could have been lonely for those months
We barely talked
I could have stayed with myself and
remained, maintaining
Instead I got what I wanted
(almost)
and when that wasn't you
I found others.

Now here you are, here, you.
Telemiscommunications
why did I never expect this
I washed your blue face paint
from my eyebrows
Requiem

My mind drifts
untethered to the decomposing flesh
that binds it
traps my wings with bars of meat

my mind wanders through the world
one day i will not come back
freedom beckons
i soar on the breath of thought