"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired is all. I've been working a lot. "

"You sound more than tired.. You sound defeated.."

I swear I can feel you in my lungs
Like when I'm stressed and take a long drag on a cheap cigarette
Relief
Maybe you're the reason I need relief
But I'll stay in denial for the sake of us
For the sake of my addiction
Maybe the cigarettes are just a metaphor
I'm too young either way

Another day has gone, night’s descended
Lingering thoughts have ebbed
Waves have left the shores of worries
Deluging the castles of sand
Washing away the pensive remnants
Along with it dreams of vainness
Carrying me along with the saline waters
Filling my lungs to the brim
Choking on the brine and spilling out anguish
Clawing on every grain of sand for support
Freely flowing out of my hands
Nothing seems to stay, which I want to hold to
Not finding my sinking feet to gain a hold
The night sky offers ray of hope
Fallen and defeated, fate washed away
Night sky showers me with the stars
Blinking far away, yet blanketing me
Another day’s gone and night descended
Under the canopy of night sky
I find my abode, away from glaring daylight

I will be that hurdle you trip upon,
I am the water you burn in,
I was the drought that drowns you in fire,
as you are the muscle that overpowered me,
the air which flourishes you,
and the rainfall which nourishes you.

When do you stop blaming yourself? Stop believing that you deserved it because you are worthless, *****, a failure (just look at everything else you have failed in)? When do you sleep through the night and not wake up with your stomach in a knot and your lungs begging for air? When does your heart start to open up and love yourself? When does it stop being scared?

I'd love to know...because I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's kind of funny because, I am not even sure how much of these feelings are from the CSA or how much is from family problems now or how much is just from my declining physical health. Today is a rough day. I'm hoping once the coffee sets in and I wake up a little more...it'll get better...