I saw your jacket today.
I never forgot about it,
Never put it away
But when I disappeared for a month
I didn't take it.
I wanted to...but didn't.
I didnt want the torn sleeves
To completely fall apart
Like I did
When you broke my heart...
•••
I didn't just see your jacket.
It's hanging by the hood on my bedpost.
It's always there, but I often disregard..
But when I leaned down,
I braced myself on my bedpost.
I look up
And I realize the soft hood
Rests under my hand.
Made me think of
How much you always supported me
•••
I saw your jacket today
And honestly, I froze.
I couldn't move,
My body, cold.
The only movement,
The tear down my cheek.
And because you arent here
To wipe them away like you used to
I wiped them away
With your tattered sleeve.
•••
I didn't take your jacket.
I took my friend's sweater.
You know,
The ex you were always suspicious of?
I took his sweater.
Why?
It was warm
And it was a piece of my hometown.
Somehow you knew he still loved me.
I knew, but I didn't care.
Even with the love I gave
Your jealousy still tore you away..
•••
I saw your jacket today.
I held it close.
I felt every soft fiber.
It was your favorite
black
Champion
jacket.
But you gave it to me
Because back then
I mattered more
But the more I wore it,
It tattered more..
But that didnt matter.

You gave it to me
wrapped around
your favorite stuffed penguin.
The one I still can't sleep without.
The one soaked in my tears.
It was once your treasure,
but you once treasured me more.
And I trying to fix the jacket
That was once wrapped around it
But the more i do,
The more it falls apart
And maybe the same is true with your heart.
Maybe I'm the one at fault.
No.
Youre the one that hurt me.
•••
It was you.
It was you,
But no matter what you do
I will always love you.
True
Unconditional
Unending
Love
Does not end because of one instance
Or even several.
I will always love you.
And when it comes to you
Loving me
I know its not true.
Because if it were
you wouldnt have left me.
You wouldnt be trying to forget me.
You wouldnt be getting high
Every night
To try and find
That feeling I gave you
When you looked in my eyes.
I know because i felt it too.
Two years of butterflies.
Dizziness.
The feeling of fireworks
When our skin touched.
The raw and untamed passion.
The purest love.
All these things that made us both
Feel so alive..
That you left behind
Like an emotional suicide.
And you choose drugs
Instead of admitting you were wrong.
You try to resurrect the joy
That you only ever felt with me
Convincing yourself
You dont need me
But we need each other.
We need each other
Because one without the other
Is in a deep
Dark
Miserable
Place
That they cant escape
While the other is writing poetry
Pretending she is okay
To not have you in her life
From day to day
The days get harder and harder
Because the one she needs
Claims he doesnt want her.
•••
I saw your jacket today.
I folded it up and put it away
In a safe place
Taking up a small bit of my closet space.
Wearing that jacket
Was like wearing your hug
But after all you've done
I don't want you to touch me.

And if one day
You decide you actually want me..
You clean yourself up,
Figure life out,
Get back on your feet
And decide what's missing is me..
If you truly want me
You better get on your knees
And cry at my feet
Because "sorry"
Isnt enough
For what you've done.
Because when you loved me
You showed me
I was nothing less than a queen
But dethroned me
Making me feel
Worthless
Ashamed
Ugly
But I realized
Im still a queen
Without you.
Show a girl her worth,
She'll never forget
No matter how much you may
"Regret"
•••
I do still love you...
No.
I still love who you once were
But I dont recognize you now.

But even if you were to become
The man I once loved
I would just turn you away
No matter what you may say
Because its me you betrayed
When you promised you would stay.

My heart has never been
A toy with which you should play.
And I honestly regret the day
I gave it to you and let you open it
Because I knew better
Than to fall in love.
I knew better and its not fair.
Its not fair
That I melted
When you would play with my hair
As you touched my skin..
When you would grab my sides and
Pull me in
And trick me into the
Best two years of my life.
Tricking me into thinking
I would one day be your wife.

But i wouldnt trade it for the world.
If i could go back, I'd do it again.
Just make sure it didnt end
Because I knew from the start
I never wanted to love again..
If it wasnt you.

So *******
For making me
Fall in love with you.

It was the best thing
That ever happened to me.
•••
I saw your jacket today.
And it still matters to me..
But I'm never wearing it again.

Forever and Always
It will sit
In the back of my closet.

My hair got darker
when I cut the dead ends
to the unfinished stories
with split plots
at the end
of
each
s
     t
r
a
         n
d
/
\
/\

The brighter the light,
the darker the shadow.

The brighter the smile,
the darker the mind.

Why i write

This i write out of my own well being, the moment to share and to stay alive, i have been and always be me in my sense, the world will never understand all of me or try to, that is how it was made to be, the strong survive, the weak die. living in a world where nothing makes sense to you can be a drain and be a bad trip to another life, feelings of ill and feelings of regret, subduing you with ever step forward, ever step back feels like a mile, every thought  becomes a radical illusion, i don't  do poetry because of the fun i get from it or because it is great, its my way of knowing the facts or real emotions being placed in writing, making a world where a viewer can try to understand the real feeling behind it.

Why i write

As day turns clear, when day gets dark, when your mind is open or when it is closed, everything makes sense or no sense at all, words make a time of feeling worth seeing and feeling, take it from the seeds of a tree there are no big impacts when it is planed, but as small as it is the longer is grows the bigger the impact, as is life to us all, take note now or lose yourself,
write now or lose the inspiration or stay silent and never speak again. you decide your fate...

Why i write....

I don't want what he loved about me to show,but unfortunately he loved everything about me

As I hold my mouth shut
Reading the words on my screen
I feel the warm tears
Caused by each letter's sting

My stomach curses me
Tied in knots
A lump in my throat
Sobs silenced by my hands

Quietly
My heart has shattered
My eyes,waterfalls
My body shaking

Again I read the words i refuse to accept
Im exhausted
3am

I hope this is all a nightmare
But I havent cried myself to sleep yet

In agonizing stab wounds the heart
In gut-wrenching reality
I feel nothing but pain
Unsure how to feel about you
As I wonder what went wrong
And why you refused to stay
When I needed you most.