My room went askew
Several months ago
And today
I put on my music
Turned it up loud
And put it back together

But certain songs
Came along,
Pounded in my heart,
And for a moment I fell apart

Music too loud to hear my sobs,
Too loud to hear my screams,
Too loud to hear the crashing
Of things I threw.

But then I stopped.
I crashed to my knees.
My scarred,
bleeding knuckles
Fell to my lap.
I collected myself.
Reorganized.
Put it all back together.

Music too loud to hear my sobs,
Too loud to hear my laughter,
Too loud to hear the steps
Of my unchoreographed dance

But loud enough
To learn the mess
Was not in my surroundings.
The mess was always in my mind

My mind went askew
A long time ago
And today
I put on my music
Turned it up loud
And put it back together

I drag my feet soberly
Retire to my darkness
My back to the world outside
Complete disinterest
To the chaos happening 'round me

Music blaring
Their Anger
Fear
Love
Tears
Joy
Confusion
Hurt
Comforts me
Their intensity my calm
My lullabies

My coffee-colored curls unfurl
From the place they were restrained
Held tight and out of sight
And gently fall down my spine
Freed and once again wild

I wrap myself in your jacket
It smells of you
It eats me whole
It is a hug you gave me to wear
When you aren't there

My corpse gently settles on its shelf
Resting in the ridges from years of use
A sigh of rest
A sigh of relief
A heavy blanket stretches over
Crushes me softly
A last breath

As the day decays
I don't watch the beauty of its death
I lay in deafening silence
Hoping
Praying
The sun melts away
The hell the day gave me

My corpse buries itself
Gives its last
And turns to stardust
Until the light is reborn
And my pieces shall fall back together
And I am forced to exist
Until the day shall die again
And I
Again
Die

What is a gift?
Surprize.

What is a gift without a box?
Without its fancy paper?
Without a bow or ribbon?
Without a card?
Simply an object
Sitting in place
Collecting dust
Lacking importance.

What is a gift?
A talent.
A passion.
A calling.
Potential.

What is a gift
If others do not experience it?
A waste of talent?
A hobby?
A secret?
A hidden piece of you.

Why is it a gift
Only if
You give it to others?

Is talent only a gift
When deamed worthy by others?

Whats in a gift?
Always a surprize.

Tug at my shirt
Unhook my bra
Pull my jeans off my ankles
Praise my body as it is
Take me as you see me
A vulnerable state
...for most

I don't care
If you accept me for how I look
I don't care
If I'm not enough on the outside

On the inside?
Turn around.
Don't look at me.
You won't like what you see.
Im ugly, turn away.

On the outside?
Follow my hand with your eyes
Come closer
Don't be too gentle
Pull a little harder

Inside?
Trembling.
But I'll try..
Its okay, I got it.
Please dont touch me,
I'm already scared.
At the edge of my shirt,
My hands tremble.
A little skin shows
Before I pull it back down in shame.
I try again,
but forget how buttons work.
I can't do it.

Outside?
Pull them off.
Kiss the exposed skin
Let your hands
Wander as they please

I may get undressed for you
But inside I'm still just a tease.

Once again
You have hurt me

Crying
Shaking
Overheating
Nauseous
Losing control

because you
found someone new
and you blind-sided me,
didnt you?!

how could you not know
why I was angry
why i pushed you away
why we arent talking right now

how could you not know
im still in love with you

isnt it obvious?
i still love you

but you,
unlike me,
have moved on

its been over a year but
i still cant seem to
let
you
go

but now
i will let everything go
become someone you dont know

i now revert to
who i was before you

once again
i
go
numb

Spring bringeth back the roses I love,
But alas,
My love not bringeth me roses

So as the rain comes
With a sprinkle of sunshine
To make flowers bloom
I still miss that love of mine
Whom taketh away my gloom

Skies grow dark
As grey clouds cover;
I deeply miss my Park,
My one true lover

And if these feelings you shall ignore,
Just know this is
Sincerely,Eleanor

Why must you treat me like I'm yours?
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your sweetheart.
Might not ever be,
The way you treat me.

Why must you treat me
Like I belong to you?
I'm not your pet.
I'm not your puppet.

I do what I want.
I change when I want.
I live and grow how I want.

I am not yours to control.
Grow up.