if you love me so much,
why do you keep leaving me?

I wish you told me that wounding my knees was a part of the joy and that my hair already looked perfect in waves, and that bedtime stories weren't lame. I wish you told me these when I was a kid, instead of giving me the cliche ******* — those spilled stories over spilled beers about how you were forced to marry Mom instead of that girl named Beth.

We were caught in a story, the one with that school money thoughtlessly flung on the floor, road trips arguments and drunk-driving over eighty, and nonexistent goodnight kisses and hugs. As a kid, I believed those were the indicators of affection and love. But they're not and had I known that earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who walked all over my mental health
with someone who took me on a desk and spit knives in his drunken slurs,
with someone who dialed another girl's number while thinking I was asleep,
with someone who only dialed my number while he thought his girl was asleep,
with someone who faded in the curtains after he saw my razored wrists,
with someone who said I was his ***** and called it his idea of love.
Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have trusted men who hurt me just as you had. Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who had a ****** up notion of what love was. Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who was exactly like you.

Dad, had I known earlier that abuse wasn't supposed to be confused with love, I would have stayed alone.

You weren’t around much when we were growing up,
There were so many things you missed,
Like when I had my first kiss.
I get that you thought you were doing your best,
But you never noticed that I was a mess.
You were trying to give us a great life by always working,
But that meant I couldn’t tell you when that boy came lurking.
All I needed was my dad.
You were never there, and that made me sad...
You didn’t know how to be a dad,
Not even a tad.
You left when we were young,
And that’s how my story without a dad begun.
But then one day that changed,
You saw how lost I was in life’s maze.
You helped me,
You loved me.
You told me you were sorry,
And that this chapter in my journey was nothing but a short worry.
So I forgive you for not being around when I was a little birdy,
You’ve come into my life in the middle of my journey.
I know you are trying,
Thank you for holding me when you see that I’m crying.
So welcome to being a dad,
Life without you was really bad.