I want to see you so bad,
while my flesh is still burning,
I still feel it every day,
cause it's an everyday thing.

Can you feel all these tears,
that still pour from my eyes?
Can you give me all of yours,
so I can be the one to die?

I don't want you to suffer,
from this pain living inside,
I'll be the one to cry forever,
cause its the crying I like.

You know I'd do anything,
if it meant you were happy,
just wish I was beside you,
so we could never stop laughing.

I still remember the times,
when we stood out in the rain.
We're so different you and I,
but we're both still the same.

I still imagine you before me,
doing all the things we like to do,
but waking up from that glorious dream,
reminds me to renew,

Everything you've
ever given
and
everything
I've
received.

You looked so dead
as you sat there staring at me and as i sat there staring back at you through red stained eyes
and wet cheeks
and a lip that I could not control.
As I just sat and sat
and sat after telling you how
I loved you
and all I wanted to do was make you
happy for the rest of my life
you just looked at me
like I was some inconvenience in your good time.
You yourself for a moment held back tears
I could see them.
Your jaw tense and your eyes hollow but filled with resentment.
I was a flat tire - a stalled vehicle on the highway of your life
your summer of love and *** and drugs and cigarettes and *****
and Europe
and here I was pouring my soul out onto the grass in front of you on the banks of the Seine and you sat there
silently
sipping your rosé as if I was the fly that had landed in it.
You were horrible
it was horrible
and I had emptied my heart in front of you like I never had before with anyone
especially you
and you told me that as well,
that this was all that you wanted to hear when we were together
and now the time came where I was saying it
and it was too late for some reason
because you had done whatever you had to do to get over me
and now it was my time
and how unfortunate for you that you had to endure it alongside me. But you didn’t endure it.
You turned your face away from me as I wept
and said you’d rather get drunk instead of hold my hand
and when we left I walked alone
behind you along the river
and watched your shadow fade away against the coming twilight
and the backdrop of the city
and my world fell apart.
I’ll never forget that night in Paris.
It was my 35th birthday.

I’m defeated.
Insomnia wraps its hold on me, making sure I’m aware of just how trapping its grasp is.
This is another continuous replay of how I live in the home in my mind.
I want to evict, run for the hill but like the hideous demons that slave me,
my thoughts are one of them.  
I knew it was wrong.
I wanted to stop, look away, go back.
I wanted to do anything but what I’m doing right now.
I’m not.
I am doing this.
no, I did this.
moments pass feeling more and more like years looped around.
there is a sensory overload, then silence.
however, I open my eyes and all I hear now is screams.
tears drop.
I internally feel the battle repeating.
two tears drop, three tears drop,
the screams cease to stop.
the screams are mine.
I gasp for air in what feels like centuries later hoping what I did, what happed was a dream.
it wasn't.
it was all just too surreal.

Filling up the ashtray,
Mascara running down my face,
Already on my third glass,
Can't believe you'd do that.
To me.

Sometimes left
calling in vain
after a scary dream

crying silently

not knowing
whether I call loud enough
my voice not smothered

in crying silently

It's an imprint
of longing
for protection

in a safe lap

an imprint in
my soul, my fado
without melancholy

its not fair for the sky to be mean to the clouds for crying so much

its especially unfair because the sky cries every night too

silver sparkly tears washing off blue eyeshadow

but its ok when the sky does it because the sky pretty-cries

the clouds ugly cry

and thats not okay with the sky


its not fair that no one likes it when the clouds cry

because the clouds only cry because they are heavy

and want some of the weight to go away

the sky cries and everyone loves the sky

maybe because the sky is older

and can smile again when it is done

because the sky cries to get what it wants


but the clouds dont know why they cry

they cant help it

they are so heavy and it hurts so much to carry all the raindrops

and the sky does not care

the sky says, “but you look so light and fluffy

so i think you are not heavy at all

i think you just cry because you want people to talk about you

and you know unless you cry

no one talks about the clouds”


the clouds try to hold their raindrops in now

even though it hurts

and they are very heavy

because they live in the sky and they must

do what the sky says

when the sky is watching


but of course they cant hold it all

and the sky gets mad when they let out all the raindrops they were holding

so the clouds try to explain “I’m sorry

the rain was heavy and i had to let it go”

and the sky does not listen

the sky says “you are so dramatic

you do not have to cry so much

over something so small”

but the clouds do not understand

because the clouds have never had a reason to cry

not a big one or a small one

they just do


so the clouds start holding more and more and more raindrops

they dont let themselves have thunderstorms anymore

it hurts so bad

so

so

so

bad

and the sky still does not seem to understand that

the clouds just want to not be heavy


the clouds wonder if the sky will miss them when they are gone


they suppose that the sky will be glad to be rid of the rain


and then the clouds go away forever.