How the hell
am I supposed to say
“I ‘like’ you”
If I can’t even truthfully say
“I like me too”

And how am I even
Suppose to justify,
“I think we’d be good
For each other”
If I’m not even good for me.

No really,
Tell me why you think,
“This will last”
Even remotely reflects
Me as a person.

I’m still waiting! for
Some Cosmic Being to
Fall to terra to tell me that He
“See[s] her in [my] future.”
But no such apocalypse has befallen my Earth.

So just tell her
“‘he ‘likes’ you’”
So I can get on with
Ruining this faster.
And can go back to wallowing in self hatred.

I.
you called the sunshine in me
a little too bright
as if to say
I needed to dim my own rays
just to share your sky

II.
you wanted the heat
the fire
you wanted the warmth
when the empty side of your bed
surpasses a coldness
that not even your heart has yet
reached

III.
you cannot have both

IV.
you cannot have the heat
the fire
the warmth
while not accepting the burn

V.
you cannot have
me
only when it’s convenient

VI.
you do not deserve
me
for I know
there are other places plagued
by perpetual nights

VII.
someone
will appreciate all of my
sunshine

It was nice meeting you.

I bet you didn’t know you’re the first guy I ever tried to hit on. I bet you didn’t know I prepped for this conversation for a week. I bet you didn’t know how deep my heart sunk when I saw you go upstairs with another girl.

Thank you for being the first guy who’s ever flirted with me. Thank you for the pink gin. Thank you for the hand you placed on my back when you hugged me goodbye.

It was nice talking to you.

I know you falling on me was a move, even though you said it wasn’t. I know sitting and listening to the story of how I met J was a move. I know you like L. I know deep down she probably likes you too, I did.

It was nice that you didn’t message me after the party.

But I bet you didn’t know that I would of loved you with my whole heart. That I would of wrote you love letters and made you mixtapes of songs that reminded me of you. Thank you for making me realise that the right guy will come along, but that guy isn’t you. I know I’ll always be that girl at the party who’s name you can’t remember, or face you can’t place but I don’t lie.

It was nice meeting you.

I hope one day we’ll meet again.

— p.d.e

Sun sets to fall asleep
but leaves it's gloss to play the encore
before the day ends.

I've known for a long time
which direction my feelings go.

The goal has not been known
but I hope it stays here to live.

The second hour of our vacation is running
my hand moves closer,
in the rough grass,
to back of his hand.

I want him to say my name,
in a way which no one will hear.
Hold me,
in a way which no one will experience

- then he rises and joins with our classmates,
who start to play soccer.

He hugs Mary and they swing side to side
– eventually falling to the ground – laughing.

Jealousy whispers,
asks to join me.

I consider it.

First,
I try to stop sadness to become visible.

Doesn't take long,
when a goal is scored.

Cheering, laughing – enjoyment.

Write me a love letter
I’m sick of falling in love
I want to be adored
I’m sick of writing love letters
That never get read
I’m sick of adoring others
Just once, please,
May I be the one to read
Rather than write

I entered into a staring contest with the nerd from English class
It was a deep dive exploration of the Great Lakes
Two great crystallized depths locked on me
They mirrored each other brimming with emotion
They were a river and torch to baptize me by fire
But it was just a staring contest
And afterward, she turned right back to her notebook
Completely unaware she’d left my soul spinning
Which leaves me terrified of how effortlessly enthralling she is

he and i met up at my place
and chilled and talked for a bit.
i began to feel warmth as i listened to his voice,
then looked at his smile,
his eyes,
his dimple on his cheek.
i gave him his gift:
a t-shirt from his favorite band and album.
he said thank you as he continued smiling,
and it made me feel warmer than i was before.

moments later,
we walked to the green line.
i was going to take him to
one of my favorite coffee shops in the west loop.
he told me that we would probably be late to get in.
the coffee shop closes at 5 while
we got on the train at around 3:40.
i told him that we were gonna make it.
i was surprised i would be the optimistic one
since i was a huge load of a pessimist from the past week.
luckily, we got to the coffeeshop an hour before it closed.
he ordered a cappuccino,
i ordered myself a hot chocolate.
we then grabbed our drinks and found a table
in a faraway corner near the restrooms
and began our conversation from there.
it was a nice one and i still felt the same amount of warmth
as i looked and listened to him.
i knew that he had a girlfriend
and that i shouldn't keep my hopes up,
but ****, is he a gem.
i just couldn't help myself.
i was also kind of surprised how we kept looking at each other
in the eyes for long periods of time.
don't know if that's a sign or anything, but, it would be frequent.

an hour later, we decided to head out to my place again.
i took some pictures of him outside the coffeeshop
with my 35mm camera and laughed when i
saw a customer almost photobombing my photo
through the window.
minutes passed and we were already back at the green line,
waiting for the train to arrive.
the sunset was so amazing,
but seeing the view of him made it better.

we made it back to my place
and relaxed for a bit once again.
he remembered that he saw a bass guitar
leaning against the wall and asked
if he can play it.
it wasn't mine but i asked one of my roommates
if he can play it and he said as long as he knows
how to set it up.
he, of course, knew since he plays bass himself.

i heard the notes he played and i began to feel mesmerized
with every note that he played.
although his rhythm was a bit off since he
wasn't used to my roommate's bass,
he was still pretty good.
the low frequencies coming from the bass amplifier
softly vibrated my ears as i was hypnotized by
his fingers moving as he presses on each fret.
i guess the vibrations made me feel a bit warm, too.

the day finally ends as i was about to walk him out of my dorm.
when we got to the front door and before he left,
he said thanks again for the gift.
and then he hugged me.
he hugged me.
i finally felt his warmth for a second or two.
it was a friendly hug, but, it still felt nice.

i remember him saying it would be cool if he can hang
every other weekend when i'm free.
i'm gonna keep that promise for sure.