Crashing,
Spiralling around.

You kept me safe,
I’ve lost my sound

Our worlds collide,
My existence becomes a lie

Inhale and exhale one last time,
You never know which one will be your last breath
(But mine never seem to have reached,
Yet).

In my world,
The Sun won’t shine like it used to be.
The Moon does not make an appearence due to anxiety.
Stars don’t fall for the reason they’re afraid of giving false hope to humanity.

As from where i stand,
The sky is coming for us,
bringing judgement from above.

Dear my parallel existence,
if you’re reading this could you tell me your world?

A single tear flow 
as my ink leaves some
pretense of what
might be my legacy. 

I want to rest
a long sleep
The long night
of stillness, 
where winter
as come and time 
has no end 
and becomes 
a usless analogy, 
a measure of 
the human psyche

I am dying 
each day, minute 
and second of my life 
From the very first 
second that I was
thrown onto this 
Drifting piece of rock

Only that, 
I don't want to wait, 
a death bestowed 
upon me by any human
or divine intervention
unbiased,
unprejudiced,
a fair chance at death

I am tired, shallow and  fearful.
empty, lonely, repulsive, forgotten
and unloved
unworthy to leave
any tracks of who I am 

Some think of me 
as a poet, a nightingale
of dreams, a counselor
a friend
who always has
inspired words 
of beauty and sentiments 
and emotions. 
I am no such thing. 
I am a child,
jailed in a body 
of a man, frightened  
of my own thoughts. 

I am a victim of life, 
a useless piece of flesh,
so ugly and inadequate, 
who can't see a reason 
to genuinely smile,
who talks alone, 
who walks, restless throughout 
sleepless nights and is not 
really wanted

I'm a repulsive piece 
of meat, put together 
by mistake on an assembly line. 
I just want my beauty sleep 
the endless kind for those
who have been neglected
and have left of them 
no memories. 

I am one step closer. 
Oh Creator if you are really there
give me strenght to make the terrifying leap into the unknown 
and let me rest. 

To those I've loved 
as companions 
on this journey 
I ask to be placed 
under the shade 
of a coconut tree, 
so as I may give 
food to the hunger 
of those whom have 
allowed me to pass 
and my ashes will 
make good feed 
for the birds, 
the bees 
and the sons and daughters of man. 

So there I said it, I write it and put it out in the world to see, so at least one person will know

I am waiting for the end to come.

I am at double Four-double Four
Thirty-Fourth Street,
I could use a lift of sorts.
I would like to remain nameless,
my condition certainly is not.

My being seems out of place;
I have tried to keep focused.
The last group of days
have blurred together;
meaning lessens by define.

A bent key, I hold in my hand,
the remnant of a jagged world
unfulfilled by expectation;
of which I no longer fit.
Learned techniques fail me.

I was given this number,
by a caring friend;
said it would lead me
to truthful people.
Deemed credible I choose.

How I have hope, which is never lost!
Without reluctance I continue -
to the recommended anonym auditor;
tranquility listens further
to me

i was lying on the grass, high off my ***
thinking bout the past, if this life will last
and all that jazz, wondering if i'm going too fast
still trying to figure it out, what my life's all about
the quarter life crisis, i might not be at my nicest
all my friends drive a hybrid but their lives looking vapid
i'm not one to talk, i'm jack with no beanstalk
no golden goose to lay me some eggs
while everyone else says break a leg
i never broke any eggs so i can't make an omelette
but i'm on it i promise. then i ran out of the office
can't deal with expectations, cause i'm still hesitating
so afraid of failure that i keep on failing
it's a ******* paradox. now where did i put my pair of socks?

How do you decide?
Decide what to do,
What the future holds for you?
I don’t understand, one goal,
One goal that somehow
Supersedes them all.

How do you choose?
When passion flows through you,
For not just one, nor two,
But many life paths, careers,
It all means something to you?

I feel lost, thinking of the future.
I’m floating by, trying to find,
Something that could spark
More than mere interest,
Something that could captivate,
Hypnotize me for long enough.

Because you see, I flit from one
Passion to the next, one minute
I am drawing, the next sewing,
The next it’s animals I love,
Or how about teaching children?

And I sit here empty, not sure
Which path to take, which goal
To make, to work towards,
Because right now, I’m in
The inbetween, no job,
Not in school, what do I do?

But the reality is, I’m trying to find
That one magic passion,
That somehow works with my
Disable body, since almost everything,
I find it all exhausting.
And my mind is spinning circles,
A dog chasing its tail.

Why can’t I do it all?
Why can’t I just enjoy life, enjoy
All of the things it brings,
And take my time, because I’m
So tired, of trying to figure it all out.
Tired of planning, I’ve never been
Too good at planning, when there’s
So many things occupying my mind,
So many things that I desire.

But even then, even then, if I could find
A goal to work towards, a dream job
For right now, well that takes work
And it takes time, because it
Turns out it’s all a ladder that
We all have to climb and being disabled,
Well I feel left behind, not sure
How to move forward when
I also have to go up, and going
Up has always been so draining.

I must work now, to somehow
Get somewhere I would rather be,
But what do you do when most jobs
Require me to be on my feet,
With my level of experience,
And education, limiting me?
It’s like I have to hurt myself
In order to hopefully some day,
Live a better life, I guess that’s why
So many say, ‘suffer now, and
You’ll get your reward later’

I tried university, tried college,
But you see, being disabled,
Has made them  difficult for me.
At least, in the ways that I was pursuing.
And now I’m stuck, trying to find my way,
How to get out of this rut, this mess,
All around me while being limited
By my own body, when I’m so used
To trying so hard to keep up
With the rest of them, charging
At how much money they can earn.

Money, it always comes back to money.
And money stresses me out,
Makes me more sick, gives me more
Pain that I would ever like to be in.
Well, apparently, money is
Supposed to be the solution.

Not so easy when the job market is crap,
I didn’t come from money, so I had to
Start off with nothing, and make my own way.
But where do you start, when
All your ‘now’ prospects seem
Rather lackluster and all you can do
Is prepare for a future.

Strange to think that we’re told to
Live each and every day like
It’s the last one we may ever live,
When we have to spend our beginnings
Stuck in preparing, deciding, and striving
For a future, so hard to make,
When all you started with was
A journal to write in.

I just want to live now,
I want to live everyday,
I want to spend more time
Cultivating all this passion inside
Of me, it’s bursting inside of me.

But there’s this rut, this anxiety,
This fear, of having to build a life,
No, a career. So that I can live
In the future, instead of now,
So that hopefully, we can get by,
Scrape by, by the skins of our teeth.

Tired of working crap jobs,
That I don’t really like, where we’re
Unappreciated, and paid to barely live.
Overworked, underpaid, I’m in so much pain.
My body, can’t stand in this pain,
But that’s all I can do is stand.
In pain, at a cash register,
Or making drinks, no consideration,
Of the struggle it is of being disabled.

Because we all have to able.
Able to stand, to push, to work
Your ***** off, until there’s nothing left,
You’ve given all you’ve got, and then
Some. Soul *******, career bent,
Work too hard, to fit in.
You got to be a workaholic to fit in.

Well I can’t keep up with that pace,
And I see it wearing people thin,
People that have more strength,
More drive than I ever did.
How are we supposed to live,
When you have to work to live,
And, in turn, live to work.
It’s extremely exhausting.

All of this jumbles inside me,
I can’t breathe, can’t decide,
How I’m supposed to live my life
When everything screams
On all sides, that I’m supposed to be
Running, supposed to be rushing,
And that all seems so wrong.

I just want to live a life that has meaning.
Something meaningful to me, that I can
Actually enjoy each moment as it passes
Us all by, I don’t want to rush life
Before it all ends, I’m so tired
Of trying to run in this ‘rat race’
It’s not a race, I need a slower pace.
I demand a slower place.
No more running, no more racing,
It’s time to live in the now,
No fear.

déjà vu
a fleeting feeling
that goes away
but the emotions stay
and for that second,
you’re alone.
you may be be surrounded
by loved ones
by friends
by laughter,
but if you’ve been here before,
what’s the point?
am I even real?