we talked about our dreams -
as if they were stars
we could pluck out
from the sky,
like we could reach for them
anytime
to hold
in our hands.

This is a conversation from my head, a place where i am a lot more eloquent.

I say "I've only been to a few cities, in a handful of states, in one country. I am in no way qualified to know where in the world i want to live, where i belong. I do, however, know who i belong with. I belong with you."

You say "How do you know that though? You've only been with a handful of girls, surely you haven't seen a world's worth. How do you know?"

I say "The same way i'll know when i've found my city. I know i won't see the world, but when i find my city... when it's time... i'll know. It may be a city i've known for years, just overlooked, but when i truly find it, see it as it truly is, i'll feel safe, happy, full of life... i'll feel home. Like i do with you."

"Can't she see it? She needs me."
I spoke with frustration and anger. I whimpered with longing.

"She can't see anything yet. She isn't looking."
He spoke with a confidence that was calming. He spoke like he knew.
Like God himself had let him in on a little secret he was struggling to keep.

"I would love her."
I pouted like an impatient infant.

"You will love her when she needs you to."
He smiled like a father comforting his impatient infant.

"And?" I pleaded. I needed more.

"Be sure she is what you need too."

And with that, he vanished.


*s.mndi

You need to do it.
                            I don't..
Yes you do- and you know it.
                            Stop. Go away.
Just do it already you big baby.
                            I'm scared.
Why? You've done it before. It's not a big deal. ******* go.
                            What if Mom hears me?
She won't. Do you want to lose it?
                            Yes
What are you waiting for then?
                            (sigh)
You need to do it.
                            (Shaking)
...
                    ­       (Gives in)
Feel better?
                           No.. Yes. I don't know
You do.
I win again.

go ahead and take my voice for truth
lighthearted fantasies of what could be
scathe or vision with the empty touch of honesty
reaching out through emotion and words alone
never feeling so much of what we'd like to know is wanted

impossible to deny the interpretation
raw with passionate dissonance
and it is sought without moving
stagnant with patience
a belief that something more awaits if taken, the leap

and we speak in the night together, alone
we seek each other out time and time again
but logic has no home here
mired with a false fate but never empty with hope
something we see inside ourselves and each other
agonizing lust and passion creeping through the cold
trying to find a fire for the spark to ignite every intention
and the heart chokes on the meanings of it all

instead we settle to constantly move together
seething motivation through desire
the fear of regret thick in the blood
the heart pumps harder, quicker, hotter
treading on, constantly seeking, hearing, knowing

coloring empty pages of a book neither of us have read
with a sincerity we have no privilege to own yet
and our conversations flow like a stream of heart and mind
carrying us further past the point of no return

the waterfall echoing in the distance with raw reality
exuded from nowhere we expect to see ourselves
but the aching desire to embrace it all rocks me to the core
and I am ready to drown in it all
just to know exactly the meaning behind every word we share

Let me tell you the story of how we slowly began to learn about one another in stolen moments of rushed conversation.  Let me tell you how bad you were for my work ethic, because I would find reasons to escape my area just to “happen” by yours.  And let me tell you how disappointed I was whenever you weren’t there.  Let me tell you about how happy I was when I discovered we have the same ******-up sense of humor, and how I loved that we could be awkward together without it being awkward at all.  Let me tell you about us discussing music and bands and the one time you walked up behind me and asked me a question about my taste in music and honestly, to this very day, that moment still takes my breath away because my whole world just stopped.  And let me tell you how, in that moment, I knew-oh baby, did I know, that I had fallen harder than I ever thought possible.  Let me tell you how you made me feel that romantic movie moment when I had called it all ******* before.  Let me tell you how my days began to revolve around sneaking in quick bits of conversation with you, and how everyone around us began to see I was falling hopelessly in love with you-more and more every day.