When the day will be
               When everything is
    Written,
                          And there are no new words
                                         Or ideas...

Despite your resignation and sudden departure,
shooting in the direction of Not Me as soon as my lips parted
and those fateful words escaped,

you never left.

The refuge of cool bedsheets in bedclothes on a bed too big for me
houses nightmares and a silent love affair,
neither tangible nor real,
but when the sun peers through the curtains and my REM becomes
remember, I do it; I sit up, kick back damp bedsheets and bedclothes
and let my feet dangle from the heights.

A cantaloupe, a fragrant pollen drenched lilly, ginger beer,
these are my companions in a desolate Whole Foods.
I stroke, smell, drink, relive the ecstasy of my own reveries,
the ones I created before I lay eyes on you,
before, when your name was merely a source of laughter,
like some fat obnoxious cartoon on television,
lovable and detestable in one viewing.

I walk to my car and turn the ignition-- that makes my fetal position
in fifteen minutes
significantly more realistic.

Somewhere between the interstate and the inter state of my mind,
the threads unravel and dissolve,
and the knot that stated not, no, never,
says yes, you **** well can, now, and always.

Complete;
That's what you make me when we touch.
Never;
That's how often touch me.
Happy;
That's what I'll never be.

Endless conflict between ego and soul
Fighting fuel by power, greed, and gold
Nirvana for the moment has grown old
Running from good,stumbling over the ridged plank masked by mold
I become imprisoned in my own temple
The evil deeds I have  done from the past have come back urging me to feel empty instead of whole
Thirst by the soul has been quenched with poison
The plan Satan has laid for me has come back uncoiling
Ego winning, slowly up to feet
Soul, on the verge of misery as it's energy cries in defeat
Falling victim to what once critiqued
Gazing upon the inside of my soul a hypocrite, indeed
The one gap on the golden path is the need to impress
The more I give in, the more I commit these sins, the more my soul has regressed
The constant war between Yin and Yang has got me deeply stressed
Writing so, has put the flame to rest

to say i like you is an understatement.
i am more infatuated than you think.

the word 'like' wouldn't really explain
the vast feeling i have for you.

you, almost like the sun and moon,
i am captivated. 
entranced by you entirely.

and as each day passed,
i question myself whether if
i was deemed worthy of you.

you can have a much more better option
but you choose me.

you would have been better off with
someone else more better than i am,
but i can't seem to let others have you.

so to say that i like you is really an understatement,
i would say, i am infatuated by you.

and is very much deeply
and dangerously in love with you. 

you complete me in many ways possible.

I'm not asking you to change,
Even if you are a mess right now,
I'm not placing you any blame.
In fact, I'm just as much of a mess
as you are and so much more,
because I fell in love with someone I shouldn't
like I never have before.
But your biggest argument,
is that I deserve so much better,
someone who isn't a mess right now,
someone who will take me out
and not be afraid to see someone
who either of us might know
and have to explain why we're together
though neither of us know.
I'm just as much a mess as you are,
and I'm scared to lose any time.
you're convinced soon your life will be over
and you can't take time out of mine.
But when you go further I want to pull you closer,
because I don't want to see me be with anyone but you
I do not want to love them the way that I love you,
I do not want to hold them the way that I hold you,
I do not want to walk down the aisle to anybody but you,
because I'll never be as comfortable with someone
as I was with you.
When I told you what he did to me,
you could barely open your eyes.
I think it was cause your tears would have fallen
like the rain does from the sky.
You told me you'd teach him a lesson,
you told me he'd regret the night.
And when I heard you say those last lines,
"With a hand around his throat
for touching something that was mine."
My heart skipped not just one, but a beat three different times.
Because I finally saw all that love filling the colors of your eyes.

I smelled a sweet smell a couple days ago. It made me think of you.
I watched a movie yesterday. It made me think of you.
I heard a song last night. It made me think of you.
I saw a man do this thing this morning. It made me think of you.
I saw this sign this afternoon. It made me think of you.
I passed by a store an hour ago. It made me think of you.
I took a breath a moment ago. It made me think of you.
Everything makes me think of you.
I think of you.

You may love every inch of me, except for one.
That one inch is sacred.
It is mine.
Forever.
When you leave, every inch will burn, except for one.
That is mine.
Forever.
It will keep me holding on and fighting. It will keep me from drowning.
That inch was never and will never be yours.
It is mine.
Forever.

I want to cling to a single thread of hope
that one day we'll meet again.

And when we meet again,
my mind will be complete.
Complete.

I hope I'll finally understand if this was even real,
if I am in love with you still.