you say you know me,
but do you know how i feel when i see you?
do you know the pains i get?
do you know the guilt that brews in my gut?

you say you know me,
but do you know what i look like at 2 a.m.
as i cry into my dingy white pillow? do you
know what i look like with dried tears on my face?

do you know the long walk i take to the
bathroom as i search my mother's medicine cabinet
for a pill or razor that'll release the pain you bottled
up inside me? do you know why i'm an alcoholic at fourteen?

you don't. because you don't know me.
and i don't think i know you, anymore.

i know it's been months since i spoke to you,
but i've been thinking about you a lot.
we used to be so close.
we'd facetime,
stay up all night.
i knew what we had couldn't possibly last,
but i would have gave anything to keep it.
i remember when i heard you sing for the first time.

2015 was the year i fell in love,
and so did you.
we were inseparable.
i'm never going to forget when you dmed me,
telling me you loved how i sang.
it was ironic, actually.
i loved how you sang too.
and it went on from there.

2016 was the year your life changed,
and so did mine.
you got the offer of a lifetime.
and like a good friend, i told you to take it.
before i knew it, you had songs on the radio.

2017 was the year i met the love of my life in person.
i surprised you.
you were on your small tour with your bandmates.
and i was so proud.
for months after,
you wrote me songs and sent me demos.
just for me.
but those words became poison,
for now you barely acknowledge me.
you're touring the world now.
half the time, i have no idea where you are.

2018 is the year you fell out of love,
but i fell deeper.
i don't know if i'm a sucker for pain,
or in love with the bittersweet reality that you're
living your dream while you are mine.
at times i wonder how you are doing.
you're always on my mind.
am i ever on yours?

i write these words knowing you'll never see them,
but it's okay, because even if you saw them,
i doubt you'd care.
but, no matter how many times you hurt me,
i'm always going to miss you.

Sinong makakapagsabi na kaya ko palang iaalay ang kantang ito sayo.

Nakalimot ako,
Masyado kong nilunod ang mga oras ko kakaisip sa mga pighating dala ng imahinasyon ko.

Nilamon tuloy di lang ng pagkatao ko kung hindi pati ang puso ko.
Nakalimutan kong ikaw pala ang nagpapatibok nito.

Sabi nga sa kanta, "this heart it beats, beats for only you".
Pero nasaan ako?

Ito, nilulunod ko ang sarili sa mga luhang hindi mapawi pawi.
Nakalimutan ko na bago sya o sila dumating, ikaw ang unang lumapit.
Nakalimutan ko na bago ako sa kanila umasa, hiningi ko muna sayo ang mga bagay na aking natatamasa.
Nakalimutan ko na bago ako sa kanya o sakanila kumapit, kamay mo muna ang unang kumalinga.
Nakalimot ako, na bago ako manlimos ng atensyon nya, o nila
Binigay mo ito ng buong buo.

Oo alam ko, naging matigas ako.

Ilang beses mo na akong niyakap pero pilit akong pumipiglas.
Oo alam ko, na sa tuwing nag iisa ako at lahat ng tao ay tinalikuran ako.
Ikaw ang kahit hindi ko nakikita pero alam ko, andyan ka lang sa tabi ko.

Inaalay ko ang kantang ito, dahil oo tama ang mga liriko nito.
Hindi ko kaya ng wala ka.

Ikaw na nagsilbing hanging payapa sa puso kong binabagyo ng galit,
pangamba
at kung ano ano pa.

Ikaw na nagsisilbing huling hininga ko,
huling pag asa ko.

Pakiusap, wag kang mapapagod na yakapin ako.

Isayaw, ang puso ko hanggang muling matutong magmahal.
Isayaw, ang puso ko, tulad ng puso mo na walang ibang alam kung hindi ang magpatawad.

Isayaw, ang pagkatao ko,
At ibalik ako sa dating ako.

Patawad nakalimot ako.

you're new
you're musical
you're cultured
you're talented
You watch movies in Russian
You listen to fleet foxes
You're shy
You danced with me
After your friend asked if I wanted to because you were nervous
You said you thought it was implied that you liked me
So did I
Until I heard about Isabel
You said you thought you liked her
But now you do not
I know I don't know you that well
But you're beautiful
And ****
And artistic
You're two years older and a senior
I'm a sophomore
You're leaving in 5 months to live in France
A continent away
You're perusing music in Lyon with Joseph I'm staying in Minnesota
I have to finish two more years of school
If you asked me to run away and join you creating music in France I'd probably say yes
I'd emancipate myself
I'd love to write music forvever
I'd love to admire your jaw and your teeth and your eyes, your hair and smile
I think most everything about you would work in our favor
Your friend Chad thinks we'd make a good couple
I think Chad is sweet
I think you're sweet
I know I'm sad that if I fall in love with you
And you leave me
I'll have a wasted broken heart
And that you will become a memory
I hope you do such great things
I want to live

i                                       f i could
               shape poetry                  what shape
                     would                           purely be-
                         fit it                             and tell
                              my                     intentions
                              well                enou­gh
                                  shape      these
           ­                        like how i feel
                                                     i am in                               complete
                           i have a                            hole
somewhere                   in my soul  


my

                                     emo tions



a       r                    e

all                         O                     V
                                                         E                           R

how can i then shape poetry when i cant keep myself in shape