is something I wish someone would have said when I was falling through the depths of hell and my spirit was being burned over and over again and my voice was eroding while they cast my pain aside and took my power away so they could feel comfortable. they forced me to stuff the feelings deep within my heart and look perfect for the pictures so they could feel comfortable. they kept pushing me more and more, even though every cell in my body was joining forces to keep me from falling apart, so they could be comfortable. my body and mind were wrung out and tattered, and I thought the only way out was to do it myself. i would have given anything for them to say "I'm worried about her" and actually DO something about it. but they wouldn't have been comfortable with that, would they?

before I step out into public,
I lock my opinions in a safe
that resides deep within
the ridges of my brain.
I wear a sweet smile
to mask the dull pain
radiating throughout my body.

but when I enter my safe space,
I strip myself of that smile,
and look my pain in the eye.
I dig into the ridges of my brain
to grab and unlock the safe.
I welcome my vulnerability
in all its undisguised nakedness.

it presses my shoulder blades,
ties my neck muscles into knots,
then settles deep within my chest.
the pain is the first sign
that my body is haunted.
it then puts my thoughts
on a hamster wheel.
they run in circles
without an escape.
this is the second sign.
but my heart takes control.
it voices my thoughts
so they can be seen and heard.
it stops spinning the wheel,
slowly comes out of my chest,
unties the knots in my neck
and lets go of my shoulder blades,
and my body does not feel its weight.

i’m not yours.
i never have been
and for the life of me
i can’t figure out why you thought i was.

was it the way i dressed,
the way i acted,
or simply the look in my eyes?

or was it the things I can’t control,
the curves i grew and
the ******* i had no choice but
to have?

i never wanted this.
i never asked for this.
i don’t want your attention
or your wandering hands.

i want to be free to do what i’d like
just to be,
to just
let myself go.

but i can’t.
all because of a stupid little thing
that should be little
but is seen as big

why did i have to be a woman?

instead of living carefree
i have to be careful.

keep the legs always crossed
wear shirts up to your neck
be respectful
(but not too respectful,
lest they believe
you’re asking them for
something)

but even if
you follow all the rules
they don’t care.

your very body is an invitation.

because what is ****** autonomy
in a male dominated world?

spoiler alert: there isn’t any.

Why is it so difficult
To change something?
And when I try,
Where is the result?

Is the effort worth the Health
even when it’s heartbreaking?
Or should I do nothing
And never accept myself?

Mirrors the new enemy
And scales like a horror movie
When can I overcome
The fear of my destiny?

The intuitive pushes and reassuring synchronicities have calmly, carefully come back to me; a gentle invitation for personal growth. With smooth tumbled aventurine and rose quartz held against my chest, I reap the rewards of universal, unconditional love, and abundant opportunity. Chosen through loving, intentional divination, I separated them from the other stones I cherish deeply, but do not need today. Once again I am reminded of the strength I carry within - that I am a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.

She was a flower wild
Wearing thrift store pair of shoes
Holes in sleeves of her hoodie
Jeans in all types of blues

Knit sheets unmade on queen size bed
Dreams Jersey or maybe New York
Knows she's destined for simple things
An average underachieving dork

Pizza breath
Bloodshot eyes
Red as petals blooming
A rose
Whiskey shots over wine any day
Toothpaste on tip of her nose

Alabaster skin and crooked smile
Knotted shoelaces on feet
Hair tied
A messy braid
Freckled embrace emitting heat

Shoulders carrying world
The burden of it's weight
Too prideful to ask for a helping hand
When the heaviness is too great

She believes love to be tangible word
Favorite songs are always sad
Can catch her staring out the window
Reminiscing joy she long ago had

She agreed to attend therapy
But an appointment was never made
Voice was simple to convince
Body harder to persuade