here to play with
the stick of my emotions
gnaw at the bone
for the marrow of my soul
blacker than night
darker than sorrow
loping along
disguised as my shadow
hiding where no one can tell
but me
the smell of the graveyard
the dead of the sea
friends become enemies
make me a mockery
home isn't home
just a strange place to be
with my canine obsession
darkest depression
you don't need to ask me
that one stupid question
you don't need to tell me
how much you care
you need to just leave me
alone with our memories
so I can still find me
when the hound has returned
back to it's hell hole
so I can be free

The noonday demon striking at midnight,
The end of daylight, shadowing my cove.
A journey solitary in obnoxious overtures,
Or of demise denouncing such pails of ruin.

The noonday demon that dwells in my head.
That black cat of old, it looms large nigh.
Insignia, memoribilia .. it's scriptures swell.
Inscriptions in alien hand scribble my mind.

The noonday demon pushes me on edge.
A hairlength between relapse and freefall.
Arbitrary insignificance caress my nerves,
Neurotic endeavours imminent, and I halt.

Halt for thought, convictions sedate.
Paralysis;  onset of dementia ensues.

And the noonday demon
Gobbles me up at midnight.

I tried to be what I am meant to be.
The shape the world tells me by shout.
And no matter how I fight at getting in.
My thoughts are turned back to getting out.

Did you see me fighting demons?
Did you note I'd left your space?
Do you know the wounds I took?
Or had I left you with no sign or trace?

Do you know the demon "black dog"?
Does it wait outside your gate?
Do you have strategies to fight back?
Or do you let the "black dog" decide your fate?

For now I keep the dog at bay
In early days it visited so much more
And though I am still winning right now
The dog seems so much stronger than before.

I don't think that deadly "black dog",
will ever allow me to get back in.
But each day I have the courage to chase it off,
I need to believe there is some reason for me to win.

It knows my thoughts and uses them against me.
And I know I will need to fight on so many days ahead.
I cant see a time when the dog will call on me no more.
But if I stop the fight ... the "black dog" will make me dead.

.
Far and away,
above and beyond,
a lonely girl sings to herself in the dark.

Far and away,
above and beyond,
she is answered only by a black dogs bark.


© Pagan Paul (20/07/18)

I want it to end , the pain, the torment
the feeling that I'm being ripped apart from inside out.
I walk around unnoticed
I sit crying, pleading for it all to stop.
I don't want it to feel this way.
There's nothing I can do differently,
it doesn't care.
This black cloud doesn't look at the person before affecting it.
It just does.
It just chooses never to leave.

In my mind there is a voice that likes to play a game
It's quite like me but not quite the same

Every day we play tug of war
I don't know how long we've been playing it for

When it's winning I feel completely wrong
Like a singer without a song

It starts to provide explanations
And I start to feel degredation

It seems to know why I'm hopeless
And why I'll always be mired in loneliness

And just like that, the voice becomes my voice
My reality and my only choice

However, sometimes I start to feel strong
I pull, I start winning and am no longer wrong

My love is no longer just superfluous
My flaws no longer mean I'm worthless

They never are of course
It's just that these thoughts are injected daily by force

Not by a negligient mother
Or a bully who just wants someone to bother

But by a voice that just wants to play the same game
A voice with only one aim, to take over my name

And so we continue playing tug of war
I don't know how long we've been playing it for

I just wish this room had a door...

These thoughts and emotions have not found themselves in the stanzas
Of a poem in quite some time.

There was a time when they no longer
Needed to be; I was fine.

No longer did I hunger for lost love,
Hate myself for things I could not control;
I freed myself from inner-damnation.

Over time, however, I learned that not
Every problem was fixable in this way.

This black dog, ball-and-chain, shadow Monster always finds its way into my life,
Forcing its repulsive manner upon me.

Everyday, I am followed and taunted by
This thing I cannot see, but I feel
So strong, overbearing, dominating.

This horrible manifestation has been
Present throughout my existence, but now,
I am brought down so much lower than Ever before, I am at its will.

I am stricken, beaten, tortured.

I was fine.

An early walk with the black dog
Can tire the beast.
And for a while
He'll sleep at my feet
And leave me be for another day.

By evening he'll awake and place
His muddy paw on my knee,
Demanding my undivided attention.

I've felt it coming on for days
That ******* Dog is on his way
Nothing I did made his course sway

Why can't he just slumber
But deep in his throat I heard that rumble
I know I'm going to take a tumble

On the sharp rocks of life I'll be dashed
A bone crunching crash
It'll be fast

He pounced on he this morning
Now I'm in mourning
I seen him coming I had warning

In his big strong jaws he'll rip me apart
He'll devour my soul, my heart
That will only be a start

As he guards my hole
Not letting me go
My agony grows

Little girl lost
Always paying the cost
Look where she was tossed