Doubt will ruin it all, destroy us.
A famimiar tragedy looms over me,
but I hold my tongue.
Not because I know its not true; in my heart I know it to be.
Accusations only defect back upon me; I, the abuser, I, the monster.
Infidelity makes fools of us both.
My love, wasted.
Your efforts, meaningless.
Casually losing my mind, observing every detail as they were before.
How the the mind suffers when one knows the truth, but forced to accept the agony as if nothing is happening.
I am the pawn to be sacrificed for the queen.

These thoughts and emotions have not found themselves in the stanzas
Of a poem in quite some time.

There was a time when they no longer
Needed to be; I was fine.

No longer did I hunger for lost love,
Hate myself for things I could not control;
I freed myself from inner-damnation.

Over time, however, I learned that not
Every problem was fixable in this way.

This black dog, ball-and-chain, shadow Monster always finds its way into my life,
Forcing its repulsive manner upon me.

Everyday, I am followed and taunted by
This thing I cannot see, but I feel
So strong, overbearing, dominating.

This horrible manifestation has been
Present throughout my existence, but now,
I am brought down so much lower than Ever before, I am at its will.

I am stricken, beaten, tortured.

I was fine.

I stare into these deep, wonderful, almost magical portals, beckoning me to come in,

They capture my thoughts, and allow me to transcend into this state of blissful euphoria,

For a moment, I'm speechless; it's like I can't convey any emotions other than pure happiness,

I've been transported to a beautiful world that I don't need to imagine in my dreams because it's right in front of me,

I've found myself blindly walking down a path, guided by an unknown force that pushes me to continue,

Warm, soft giggling echoes inside my head and assures me of the beauty in everything around me,

The air around me is saturated in a heavenly scent that alleviates any stress that my over-anxious bones may hold,

A simple, rustic home stands in the distance, a tree looming over the woodwork of the house, almost like a guardian,

As I approach the house, I notice various characters carved into the massive trunk of the colossal tree,

Encased in a deeply carved heart were the initials "K" and "C", next to a date reading "5/8/13",

An overwhelming desire to enter the house comes over my being, and I'm unable to stop myself strolling up towards the house,

I take slow, quiet steps up onto the wide, southern style porch, and suddenly feel a sense of familiarity,

My eyes find themselves stuck on the simple, teal door that stood in front of me,

I grasped the doorknob; silver, and in the style of an elephant,

Upon twisting the ****, the world started to spin, everything I had seen prior to opening this door spun around me,

Phantasmagoric images of the tree and the path filled my head, and reached a point of ****** before suddenly coming to a halt,

As if I had woken from a dream, I found myself in a much more earthly setting, no longer standing on the porch of the house with the teal door,

I was looking into your eyes, with deep conviction, and you were laying in my arms looking up at me,

It occurred to me that I had gotten lost in your eyes; your beauty had brought me to such a fantastic place,

I then came to another realization: that world could have never been as wonderful as this world, for it was missing you,

And in that moment I knew what it was like to be happy, I knew what I had been looking for this whole time,

In that moment, it was you.

The air around me has become so dry, a raspy plague has taken over my breath,

Every breath becomes a struggle as my throat closes in on itself,

Words squeeze themselves out, but not the ones that need to be spoken,

I find it ironic that I need to muster up all the strength I have to just let go,

But I don't even know I'm missing anymore,

Most of my time has been spent dissecting my own psyche,

trying to figure out what I've been feeling this whole time,

I'm becoming a subject of my own torture,

and the scream of my insides are suppressed under these sleeves,

That way, all my releases are concealed and hidden to judgmental eyes

that would fail to see the shell that harbors this blackened heart that resides within, condemned in solemn desolation,

And while I watch her drift away, I become more confused as to why I hurt so much,

I miss the memories, but I'm not so sure I miss the person,

Still,  I ache and lay to waste in desperation, I don't want to let go,

but something deep inside inside the cavernous epitome of heartbreak that is my soul is telling me that I need to release this part of me,

But in the end, I find myself impelled to follow the trail of sweet liveliness that follows behind her,

even when she falls to her lowest, I can feel a vibrancy that radiates out from under her skin and it lightens the day ten-fold,

That's all I can do, unfortunately, I'm only able to watch her as she lives life and forgets every memory that I'm holding on to so dearly,

And as I observe this beautiful example of humanity, I slowly come to the melancholy realization that perhaps I am destined for disappointment,

That I'm perpetually stuck in a sort of limbo between depression and general unhappiness, never even strolling into the realm of content,

I'm beaten to my knees by the tyrannical despot that we humans call Love,

It's become the source of all my pain, and it's also the only thing that can heal me.

I know you've been hurting, trying to close that curtain,

Shut out the world, put down what's been lurking

inside you, it's ripping at your insides,

You try to run, but you can't hide,

You tried to fly, but you only glide

And it's unlikely that you'll land lightly,

I'd try to catch you, but you'd try to miss, to spite me,

I know sometimes I might seem mad,

But I can't let go of what I once had,

I'm not trying to make you feel bad,

I just wish you'd take the time to listen

to the words I'm trying to say and

that I'm cut dry, I'm dying, you know I can't lie,

I wish you'd see why I'm holding you so closely,

You're the glue, binding by broken heart,

Like a missing part, without you I start to fall apart,

I'm trying to stand tall, but my knees are shaking,

My mind is caving, every step I'm taking

is breaking my legs, my blood pools like a lake in

my chest because my heart's been torn open,

my happiness has been stolen, and I'm having trouble

coping with all this emotion, my thoughts are forming

so quickly, they're smoking, I can't tell if I'm joking,

or if I'm screaming out, hoping that someone will

notice that I'm broken, but I guess I'm too outspoken

to be considered anything but happy, actually,

I'm pretty sappy, and I'd gladly rejoice if, for once, someone would hear my real voice,

Until then, my tears will fall silently, like the rain drops on my window

that I just won't hear, I've lost myself within the confines of my own mind,

I can't help but express these feelings line after line,

It's like all these rhymes help this time fly by,

And I can finally feel alive, then I try to walk away, and my heart just writhes

in pain when the memory of you brushes past my head, or when sometimes

I swear that I can smell your perfume, it's like I'm playing

a game of "guess who" with myself, and I don't think it's

healthy to be this caught up in something like this,

but I can't help but miss the feeling of your kiss on my lips,

I miss it so much I swear it's making me sick,

I don't think I can handle this, I swear it's madness,

I just need to talk, that's all I can ask for,

So, please, won't you open that door,

Let me, it'a what I'm on my knees begging for.