While everyone else takes a few steps I have to take a mile,
I'm just not myself and I haven't been in a while.
Sometimes I need a friend to be there,
Sometimes I need someone to really care.
When I get the courage to open up about how I feel inside I get left on read,
It may not be how you meant it but its like it doesn't even matter what I just said.
I'm really crying out for help but no one is hearing me,
This feeling I have daily is starting to put the fear in me.
I need someone to care enough to want to know why,
Why I'm always alone and why I always cry.
At the same time I don't want to bring anyone down to my negative state,
Honestly I don't know what's wrong with me or how to deal with everything on my plate.
I don't know how to ask for help cause I always handled things on my own,
All the right ways everyone else learned I was never shown.
I don't want to be the sad part of someone's day,
Because you are so happy I don't want to get in the way.
I don't know how long I can keep pretending to be okay.
I'm loosing my joy of doing things I used to love to do,
Like seeing my best friends or the dreams I wanted to pursue.
I feel like a bad friend I feel left out,
My voice is silent but inside I'm ready to shout.
I wanna be me I wanna be there.
Like I was before I became this empty shell of who I was not too long ago,
It's like the love I have for my friends and family it's hard to show.
It's like it's easier for me not to even go.
I don't even know how to explain myself and I don't wanna loose anyone,
I feel like people are giving up on me and I don't wanna be done.
My love hasn't changed for anyone except my love for me,
I'm trying so hard to ignore it that it's making itself louder to see.
I can't hide it any more I pray I don't stay this way,
I can't make any one understand by anything that I say.
All they can see is that I am not there,
Trust me it doesn't mean that I do not care.
I do more than anything I just can't show it,
Something inside isn't right and I know it.
This isn't me I'm not this girl who is absent with her friends,
I don't want to be the reason our friendship ends.
Who wants to be with someone who can't even enjoy their company,
Who wants to be around someone who makes them feel uncomfortably.
Most of the time I don't want people to be around me because I am miserable,
I don't like making people feel sad for me because what I feel is visible.
So I stay to myself praying someone makes me feel okay to not be okay,
Sometimes I pray for someone to help me open up with what I need to say.
Honestly I shut it off for so long I don't even know what that is any more,
I am just so confused on what to do and my presence has became a revolving door.
Please don't give up on me I need y'all the most right now, I really am trying,
I just need time to find the problem I'm having such a hard time identifying.
I go back and forth with wanting someone to listen,
Sometimes it's easier not having to talk about what's missin.
It's clear that I don't know what I need, space or a friend,
It's like I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I know I'm not there as much as I should be,
Please just give me time and pray for me.

Locked inside this box
My muffled cries resound
Emotion floods in waves
How long until I drown
It fills with liquid mania
It swirls with tides of pain
It brims with stagnant sorrow
I pound the walls in vain
You’re baffled by my struggle
You can’t seem to understand
How I drown in this emotion
When my box is on dry land
If all it took was logic
To save me from this fate
I think instead of screaming
I’d be in a better state
But the box is filling quickly
I wail a broken cry
Then I hold my breath and pray
That the cry won’t be goodbye
And I still see your face
I still hear your carefree voice
You lecture me to fight it
As if drowning is a choice
But you don’t know the pain
Of dying for a breath
And you don’t know the art
Of living cheating death
Save me from this madness
I plead as you come near
But liquid floods my lungs
Silent words are hard to hear
Now I’m breathing with no air
I’m screaming with no sound
It’s just a matter of time
Until I finally drown

i felt miserable,
solemn to the fact,
that giving up
was my harsh reality.

i had dealt with pain before,
but nothing like
the anguish i juggled
in my own hands,
every single dying day,
keeping me up at night.

there’s something about,
sitting all alone
listening to the crickets,
while fueling my addiction,
one cigarette after another.
always finding comfort
in all the worst ways.

Back in eighth grade,
I littered my arms with scars,
told myself no more drugs,
But took them that very night.
always anxious for a way out of my own anxiety,
social and situational always got the best of me.

Took the oath of staying sober,
and picking myself up,
from the debt my heart held that night,
i swore it would stop.

but just like me,
it pushed through,
even when the smoke
filled it’s cavities,
and even when my own head,
lied to me,
over and over again.

My parents always said:

“listen to your heart, and not your head”.

“Listen to your heart”
“Follow your dreams”
That’s what people have said to me
But I don’t know what I want
And I don’t know who I am
I feel trapped in my mind
without a clue of what to do

So I pick up the blade and contemplate life
because I’m lost and in despair
My mind has a messed up way of telling me
that one cut will make me feel better
But all I’m left with is the guilt and shame
So I put away the scissors and crawl into bed
There’s work to do and people to meet
But I sink deeper into depression
I won a battle but lost another

my thighs
littered with war scars,
cuts deeper than
any man has gone.
they glitter a warm hurt,
as if telling
a sad love song.
hidden beneath
strong layers of linen,
I protect them
like a lion and its cub.
To say they weren’t deserving,
would be quite untruthful.
no one deserves pain
but me, i’m unusual.
born from long nights
and the thick fumes of liquor,
euphoria stench breath
made their minds think quicker.
myself, sitting here,
quarantined,
alone from the petty,
supercilious disaster,
we call the human race.
I look down at my scars in hope.
A lesson that taught me,
a great deal about
the wonders of my
own self esteem.
from hopelessness,
to the calm tide,
that lingers in my mind.
I know what is right,
but when my stars start to fall,
It seems to me,
that I don’t deserve
anything at all.
crying sorrow,
from my glossy,
swelled up eyes,
the demon on my shoulder,
paces patiently,
content with the
same laces as
when we had cut ties.
now the blade,
it has no purpose,
those long glistening lines
made personally by the
conflicted thoughts,
that grew like flowers in my mind,
have slowly faded away.
as time goes by,
sitting right where the
bottled up emotion resided,
lays many scars,
each telling a story
unique from all the others.
I live to see another night,
letting my scars, slowly recover.

Every day I'm fighting a battle within,
I'll try to explain but I don't know where to begin.
Mentally struggling with my mind and thoughts,
My heart races and my stomach stays in knots.
Everyone thinks I should just try more,
But I try every day just to pick myself up off the floor.
They don't understand me, it's hard to explain,
My every day struggle of just trying to feel sane.
Motivation has vanished from my spirit,
My cry for help, no one seems to hear it.
Emotional scars blind to the naked eye,
The only one who can see it is me, myself and I.
How can you explain what you can't see?
When it's all too real, deep inside of me.
I feel trapped inside a hell storm,
Unable to get back to the societies norm.
Explaining the battle within myself is almost ineffectual,
I might as well leave it to your intellectual.
Hoping that you understand to the fullest,
The pain that hits my spirit like raining bullets.