The cobweb crusted floorboards creak
as my leg's weight crosses the earthly plane.
I breathe in and shudder, "Yes this will do."
Moonlight teases the rafter's silhouette.
It calls my name, urging me to draw near.
The fibrous snake stirs beneath my jacket,
gently leaping from within its depths.
It twists and curves looking for its new home
before wrapping tightly amongst the wood.
It drops down, and it beckons me to come.
It whispers my name as I grow closer.
It kisses my neck in a warm embrace.
Finally it grows taut and I am slain.
Never again to cause this world my pain.

My bipolar
Plays dress up
And I am the model

My bipolar loves me
Until I feel stress and anxiety
Crawling under my skin
And my heart hurts
I feel it getting old and tired

Mania leaves me empty in a black hole that turns out to be my bed
 I sink
And there is nothing I can do
But wait for mania to come back

They say that out of all of zodiac
Gemini's are most likely to be depressed and anxious
I was born on 28th of May

Can’t stand the way I feel inside
emotions running untamed and wild
My head keeps spinning as my mind races
like a troubled and unruly child

Wish to sit for only a minute
and be at one with myself
But I don’t even know who I am
no longer the picture on a shelf

Brain in a fog and mind a wreck
these feelings now out of control
Body going haywire from the mess
just waiting for sanity to unfold

There is no shame in writing feelings.
I want to tattoo them inside.

My mind is a beautiful garden, and I can not get out of it.
The wall is nonexistent, but made of metal sticks, and I can see the exit, but I am hopelessly stuck.
Years or days ago I might write lovingly but now I am too stingy. I am penurious for words.
For all so many things inside me, I am a speechless animal.
It is like everything is higher than me, and I am already six feet underground looking up at their boots.

There is a rain in my garden.
Rain
Coming into town
Watching every window
Watching every widow
Watching every nook
The best spy ever
Talking cryptic rhythmes
During afternoons
Starting March till June

I wish there were no rain, no anything, nothing.

I feel like an astronaut
I feel like an astronaut
It's like my ID is a fraud
I feel like I'm here but I'm not

I am a dopamine ******.

i am supposed to be okay.
i told them all i knew what to do if i started feeling this way again.
i really thought i did

i thought i could prevent this
but it is all coming back
i was supposed to be the miraculous  recovery
the story of hope

but i have slipped back into my old patterns
faster than i could realize it
it seems too late now

another round in the match against the darkness
that fills my insides
the darkness that slithers and creeps
its way through my once bright mind
putting out any source of light and
draining all colors

i have fought this before
and seemed to have won
but it never takes long
for it to regain strength and start
strangling me from the inside
once again

a familiar feeling of emptiness fills my body
each time those cold dark fingers
wrap around my soul
it grows stronger with each
grotesque thought it sends
into my now darkened mind

the color and light that once inhabited this cavern
are starved of the positivity they need to burgeon
and so they lie weakened
dwindling and starving on the damp ground
becoming more frail with each wave
of pain and despair

faster and faster this climate becomes too harsh for them
and they are gone
vanished alongside hopefulness and optimism

i try to recall what it felt like
when the color and light still remained
but the thought seems distant and foreign

i cannot wrap my mind around the way i used to think and feel
filled with naivety and hope
i squashed negative thoughts
with thoughts of love
and positivity
but now the roles are reversed

every day i search for that sliver of love and happiness
which i know is behind one of these doors
in the darkened hallways of my mind
one day i shall find it

i know this search will not conclude soon
and i will not find what i am looking for
as quickly as i want to

but when i do

and i know i will

i will nourish it
like my own child
it will grow stronger and stronger
with each step i take towards the light

it will nurse on my laughter
and feed on my joy

one day i will find this light
and care for it like one of my own

i just cannot bear the wait
the search
the feeling in its place

but for now
i will keep on looking
because i refuse to let
the darkness win

While everyone else takes a few steps I have to take a mile,
I'm just not myself and I haven't been in a while.
Sometimes I need a friend to be there,
Sometimes I need someone to really care.
When I get the courage to open up about how I feel inside I get left on read,
It may not be how you meant it but its like it doesn't even matter what I just said.
I'm really crying out for help but no one is hearing me,
This feeling I have daily is starting to put the fear in me.
I need someone to care enough to want to know why,
Why I'm always alone and why I always cry.
At the same time I don't want to bring anyone down to my negative state,
Honestly I don't know what's wrong with me or how to deal with everything on my plate.
I don't know how to ask for help cause I always handled things on my own,
All the right ways everyone else learned I was never shown.
I don't want to be the sad part of someone's day,
Because you are so happy I don't want to get in the way.
I don't know how long I can keep pretending to be okay.
I'm loosing my joy of doing things I used to love to do,
Like seeing my best friends or the dreams I wanted to pursue.
I feel like a bad friend I feel left out,
My voice is silent but inside I'm ready to shout.
I wanna be me I wanna be there.
Like I was before I became this empty shell of who I was not too long ago,
It's like the love I have for my friends and family it's hard to show.
It's like it's easier for me not to even go.
I don't even know how to explain myself and I don't wanna loose anyone,
I feel like people are giving up on me and I don't wanna be done.
My love hasn't changed for anyone except my love for me,
I'm trying so hard to ignore it that it's making itself louder to see.
I can't hide it any more I pray I don't stay this way,
I can't make any one understand by anything that I say.
All they can see is that I am not there,
Trust me it doesn't mean that I do not care.
I do more than anything I just can't show it,
Something inside isn't right and I know it.
This isn't me I'm not this girl who is absent with her friends,
I don't want to be the reason our friendship ends.
Who wants to be with someone who can't even enjoy their company,
Who wants to be around someone who makes them feel uncomfortably.
Most of the time I don't want people to be around me because I am miserable,
I don't like making people feel sad for me because what I feel is visible.
So I stay to myself praying someone makes me feel okay to not be okay,
Sometimes I pray for someone to help me open up with what I need to say.
Honestly I shut it off for so long I don't even know what that is any more,
I am just so confused on what to do and my presence has became a revolving door.
Please don't give up on me I need y'all the most right now, I really am trying,
I just need time to find the problem I'm having such a hard time identifying.
I go back and forth with wanting someone to listen,
Sometimes it's easier not having to talk about what's missin.
It's clear that I don't know what I need, space or a friend,
It's like I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I know I'm not there as much as I should be,
Please just give me time and pray for me.