Self-effacing, holy,
a graven image flourishing
in pleasure, or pain.
The hierarchy of mind
oscillating wildly behind
smoke screen, or curtain.
Uncertain mirth blanketing
kinetic barren earth
like ash, or rain.

I sit in stillness,
My soul scrapping at my skin trying to break through.
No matter the self care or the nourishment I feed my soul,
It still resides.
My flesh just a blanket for what lies within.
I sweat,
I eat,
I smoke,
But I will never be able to escape the forever sugar rush.

I’m trying to find my flowers,
I’ve lost them along the way,
skipping through my garden
on a bright and sunny day.
I didn’t mean to lose them,
I need to bring them back.
My poor garden is empty now,
no colours, only black.
Sometimes I skip too fast,
some people think I’m crazy.
Sometimes I hand them out,
all my roses and my daisies,
my tulips and my lilies;
sunflowers and bluebells.
I’m trying to spread some beauty
before I go through hell.
As fast as flowers grow
my sky will turn dark grey,
and then I’m left alone
on an unsuspecting day.
I have to pace myself,
I’m not a flower girl.
Sometimes my mind takes over
sending me in a whirl.
I want to share some beauty
but I’d like some colours too,
something left to show me
where all my flowers grew.

You turned bitter and cold
And that’s when the wind told me you were drifting away
Icebergs on warm hearts
And dark clothes that cover deep scars
I wore long sleeves
The sunset and the daylight rose
The only closure you gave me was silence
And the moonlight sky’s outside my window
Got darker and harder
the frost, the fog
Frozen in time
Like my passion and lust for had never gone, and you were still mine
waiting for you to come back is like waiting for snow in the Sahara desert
And consumed my time like the countdown for Christmas
Counting from January the 1st
And not knowing if you’ll make it to the end of the year
The peace wasn’t deafening and the space not as far and wide
but the look in your eyes and the way that you cried on the car did nothing but break me inside
I still whisper ‘oh baby’ as if you would fall back into my arms
As if you could hear my cries
Ghosting my mind as if you’d died
And how can I hold you if you couldn’t get further out of my reach
You were so hard to leave
To hard for me to tell myself it wasn’t you it was me
Yeah I admit I was toxic but these toxins make me bleed
and you’ve not got one scar
But what do I know?
I’m the one who broke your heart and you left me in the dark
I’m emotionally unavoidably attached indescribably sad and unconsciously mad about you

It feels like the skin has been stripped from my body,
Like I am a raw house unable to contain this feeling.
Sounds are dissonant and salt to the wound.
My synapses are buzzing through every tissue.
I am so whole and yet so incomplete,
Angry, electrified, and scared.
This body of mine does not feel like a habitat.
It is more like a zoo enclosure.
I wonder when people will stop gawking at me
Like I am some caged animal.
I am wild.
I am easily provoked when afraid.
Please do not tap the class.
Please do not feed the animals.
Leave me where the ground cries out in anguish
For the blood of my psyche shed in the tall grass.
I was not made for this.
I am not a performer in some circus, some exotic parade.
They have stripped me of my skin,
And this body does not feel like home anymore.

Like a monster
wearing my own skin,
I question yet again
whether the cries I upend
are signs of intelligence or
the incoherent utterances
of an imposter begging
to be let in.

Keep me away from myself.
It is not safe to exist in this body.

Irritation is the dragon
That breathes fire and destruction
Should I dare to open my mouth.

The fire ignites at take-off
And grows as I exit the stratosphere.
But it burns even hotter upon re-entry.
I am often at my brightest right before
A crash landing.