For years, you've asked questions
you can never seem to find the answer to.
"How do I make someone love me?"
"How do I know if my feelings are true?"
So tonight, I have a secret I'd like to share with you.
It's something not a lot of people know or know how to do.
The secret? Be you.
I know vulnerability is scary.
But true love gets its strength from the heart.
And if you can find the courage to be proud of who you are, you may not find love immediately, but it's a **** good place to start.

Sometimes or maybe everytime,
I feel like crying;
Without any reasons,
Or withouty tears.
Tired of stuff,
Everything and everyone.

It hurts more,
People and there trust issues.
Sometimes things which they expect,
Maybe attachments are the ones,
Which are reluctant.

Everything is fake,
Everyone is fake.
Fake soulmates,
Fake wellwishers,
Fake emotions,
Fake care.
Is anything pure and real,
Like my bliss.

You worry i dont talk?
I can cry,
But i won't express.
I can write it down,
But cant tell.
I can talk,
But not conversate.
I can care,
But only for you.
I can help,
But not me.
I can worry,
But only for you.
I can smile,
But only fake.
I can advise,
But not to myself.
You worry i dont talk?

I keep telling myself,
You wanted then you would.
If you wanna talk,
Ego on top.

I am not ignoring,
I am just not in a position to justify it anymore.
You think i am drifting?
No, am not,
I am just trying to be alone, lonely.

No fears,
No emotions,
No fake,
No toxicity,
No cares,
No howling.
Only me, my feelings,
My tears,
My broken heart,
My soul,
My uncured feelings,
And a sense of loneliness.
It might sound depressing,
But its not.
Its the reality.
If you wanna talk,
Ego on top.

No cry,
No tear,
A heavy heart overthinking,
And a lot of fear.
If this doesn't understand me,
Then i dont know what does.

You ask me if i am okay,
You now i am not.
Then please stop this formality,
Cause i don wanna fake.
If you really care,
Look in my eyes,
Hug me tight,
Cause you know am not fine.

Sometimes i hate to be this close,
Cause when you pull even a slightest bit,
It appears as if the world is splitting in two.
I may care,
I may care a lot.
But once you are courageous enough to part,
Then i am reluctant enough to come back.
Maybe thats why,
Am not a permanent person in anyone's life.
But i assure you i am the best temporary you will ever meet.

I try,
Not cry.
But i  weak enough,
To let it all go.
Am tired of opening myself,
Again and again.
But now i am just done.
I dont know who to trust,
Whom to prioritize,
Whom to avoid,
Whom to love?

I know i have friends,
But i don't,
Who talk,
About the ****.
That goes inside mu head.
Cause i know they just cant take it...

I dont know why the people i prefer the most are temporary,
Sometimes,
The memories,
The thoughts,
The late night conversation,
The feelings
Just become like ghosts.
People are there,
But not present.
Few are the tried ones,
Who are broken,
And are long gone,
Before you even realize.

I may care,
A bit too much,
A bit too soon,
Never think.
I ignore you,
If i do so,
Then only for your good.
.
.
.
Gone??
Gone, is the wrong word,
For someone who was never there for you.
You love them more than yourself,
Maybe thats why you lost yourself a long time ago.
Its the time to wake,
And not feel guilty.
For the things you never did.

Why do we have emotions?
Why do we have feelings?
Why do we care?
Just chill out,
And care a little less.

Blade in my hand,
Cuts on my limbs.
Broken heart,
And a lost pet.
Is there anything else you wanna know??

Yes,
Yes i am obsessed with death,
Cause there is no reason of living such a meaningless,
Pointless life.
So once and for all,
Let it all go.

People come and say,
Its gonna be fine,
Well i know its never gonna be...
Is it just about the moment?
This hour?
This day?
This weak?
This month?
This year?
Or my whole life?

Is there a chance?
Is there a hope?
Because all the darkness cannot extinguish,
Even a single ray of light.
But now even this philosophy,
Goes above my head.
Its my life,
Which you cannot change.
So dont give me hope,
Cause there is no scope!

In the stroke of the midnight hour,
From the depth of my heart i felt;
Kindle not a fire you cannot quench,
It is easier to raise the devil than to lay him;
If pouring oil on the fire doesn't quench it,
Then let bygones be bygones.

Still i feel it now,
Necessity and opportunity may make a coward vialant.
Pardoning one offence will encourage many,
Mercy to the devil is cruelty to the people;
Pardoning the bad is injuring the good,
We are not here to think of offenders.
Seldomly seen, soon forgotten, is the society,
But it's better to be a has-been than a never never-was!

I looked, before i leaped,
The resolved mind has no cares;
Bold resolutions is The favourite of providence,
So now it's the time!

They should be punished with no mercy,
For their sins and cruelty.
They are the who,
Once talked of, now forgotten!
Behind whose smiles daggers were hidden,
And whose blood couldn't be washed with blood!
The plunders,
The massacres,
The murders,
The screams;
They are supposed to be gone,
And not forgotten!

Black will take no other hue,
So does white!

Man, be YOU.
That’s enough.
All the ******* about being tough
Manning up
It’s a bluff because the myth of the “real man”
Doesn’t measure up.
He’s a puppet.
Poison in his veins. He’s a slave to his role in the game.

Let’s face the truth.
The dross that’s aimed at youth, toughen up! The boy needs a hand that’s rough. That’s. girl.  stuff.
What do we get if we can’t let him BE?
Toxic Masculinity.
That’s enough!
Man, be YOU.

Beauty;

Beauty brought me nothing.
But pain,
But false hope,
But abuse,
But fake love,
But striving for perfection,
But never reaching it,
But betrayal,
But hatred,
But mistrust,
But anger,
But deception,
But attention,
But not the sort I wanted.

Beauty,
created through society,
brought me nothing.
So I created my own Beauty.

A boho hemmed into a perfect circle
Misunderstood and invisible
Where everyone goes right, he prefers left
The is told he is bereft

They force him to fit in
But how can he?
He is like oil in water, a hippie in suit quarters
His free spirit just won's blend in

They hammered and bent him to belong
But turns out he has been a misfit all along
For his spirit demands to be vivid and vibrant
In a rather monochrome circle, it is a tyrant

His heavy heart needs to let it all out
His thoughts, his dreams and all his doubts
His is a white noise, he seems very far out
Everyone is deaf to this boho's screams and shouts

"You can join our group," he says,
"But only if you look everyone in the eyes."
I freeze.
Surely he is aware by now that the words
Autism Spectrum Disorder
In my chart were not placed there for fun?
Surely he is aware by now that finger twitching, body rocking,
     gaze avoiding
Are not for my frivolous pleasure?
Surely he is aware by now the absurdity of what he asks?
I am autistic.
Burning irritation of the eyes and panic aside,
Staring creepily into another human's eyeballs
Would render group a waste of time, no possibility to listen.
He knows this.
It is his prejudice that keeps him rooted to the spot.
I can feel the weight of his expectations boring into my forehead.
Explaining what it is to ask this of me,
I remind him that drawing this line would be excluding me because
Of my autism.
I tell him he would be losing a valuable participant,
A deep thinker, a creator, an avid listener.
I tell him he would be discriminating,
That I am protected by law.
Oh, no.
He budges not,
For he does not dislike autistic humans
So long as they act like they are Neurotypical,
So long as I pretend to be
Someone I am not.