From star dust to grass blades,
Baby,
I'd traverse it all for you.
For you are not just my sun and stars,
Darling,
You're the whole **** universe.

We're riding bikes on this trip known as life

In midnight hours

Facing wind with a hefty amount of risk mixed with intoxication adorning my head with an imaginary crown in place of where nonexistent helmet should be

Drunk not on alcohol
Instead from the countless tears formed by self-hatred
Soul-boiling
Hot liquid bubbling over edges of my eyelids

I hope we find our way
We travel without light guiding our direction
Two insignificant nomads blindly navigating this vast existential void
Attempting to reach sort of adequate destination before time reaches us
Held together by fingers and an invisible magnetism more powerful than the unknown forces pulling and prodding around us at all angles
And led forward by our hearts

I stood over the sink
Scrubbing our negroni glasses
Wishing the ginger-scented soap
Would wash away the cancer
Because the chemo didn’t work

I was wearing eyeliner
When I first met you
We’d laugh about that later
Over a bottle of wine
And patatas bravas

We always had our weekends
Movie dates and inside jokes
We would guffaw at the
Fuckery of it all
My god your laugh
How it filled a room

I remember when you said
“I love you, Christopher…
because you just GET ME”
You expressed appreciation
For how I carved out time
For our friendship

I reminded you,
“I don’t carve out time for you,
I shove everything away while
screaming ‘I NEED MY HEIDI TIME!’”

*******.
I need my Heidi time

For years you were
The most consistent thing in my life
Always there for one another
We were each other’s touchstones
I realize this now more than ever
During my weekends spent alone

Wine tastes different now
Something’s missing
Going to the movies feels strange
It’s like the hero has
Left the frame

Remember when I smoked cigarettes?
You’d *** a drag as we crept
Through early evening traffic
On our way to get gelato
Or if we were feeling sassy
Maybe an affogato

I switched to vaping
When you went into hospice
Then back to menthols
When your spirit left this world

I’m addicted to our memories
More than the nicotine
They bang around my head
Like a song or a scent
Nostalgic  
And
Lingering

You tattooed
“CEDENDO VINCES”
On your wrists
“By yielding, you will win”
My finger traced those words
While I held your hand

Last breaths

But what are deaths?

Transitions
Energy
Shifting
A spark
Returning

/ / /

Those letters live
On my wrists now
A reminder of her
The sister I never had
And sometimes
I still hear her laugh

Who the **** do you think you are?
walking into my life without my permission
opening my heart without warning me
sliding between my legs without preparing me
I must have "Your wife" written on my forehead
the way you stole my heart
changed my direction
flipped me in all different types of positions
crazy how you knew just what i needed
so where the **** we headed?

-Nani

Remember the times you caught me crying?
used to make up excuses when you won't stop prying.
I had no courage to tell you;
how many times I've doubted you.
Cause you meant more to me;
than any of my insecurities.
I was miserable, wasn't I?
used to vent out my feelings, didn't lie.
I loved him beyond limits, you knew;
the girls were fully aware too.
Maybe our bond wasn't strong,
or else I could've forgiven you.
Maybe the world didn't know,
how much I really tried to.
You had your reasons,
he was sad and depressed,
and you chose to go address;
leaving me in distress.
You called me your best friend,
then why did you hide it?
I was right there, a meter away from your bed.
You called me your best friend,
then how could you **** him?
in the same places, you knew I loved him.
You called me your best friend,
then how could you not know?
how deep a scar, your actions will carve.
Our bond was like a holy thread,
anything it could sustain,
cutting it once and tying a knot,
won't make it pure again.
Sister or sinister,
I am not sure anymore.
Friend or fiend,
perhaps you were both.
I wish I could lend a hand,
but it's harder for me to stand.
Roots that run so deep;
I had to fall to my knees.
You have many best friends,
so what if you lose one friend?
You made a choice and walked that path,
no good will come from seeking the past.
Look ahead, with no regret;
for I consider you, my kindest crook.

“please leave a voicemail, beep”

Hey, uh, I have missed you.
Not like Romeo did Juliet
Or like Noah did Allie,
More like Han missed Chewie.
The point is, I wish things were normal.
I want our long talks about nothing,
Even the occasional silent ones.
We seem to have been playing phone tag lately,
Which is okay but I am ready to talk,
Ready to hear about your horrible drinking habits and your endless girl problems.
How does two years feel like a life time?
I guess friendships are like that sometimes.
Life goes on but it goes slower without your
best friend making you laugh,
Or calming you down when you need it the most.
I heard you are coming back into town,
I hope to see you.
Sorry to drag on,
Call me back.

-a voice message i wish i made

He's gone but he's everywhere.
In the passenger seat, in my bedroom walls, in the music sheet strewn over the floor and in the songs he wrote; he's in my favorite books and in the ****** films over the DVD player; He's in our whispered secrets and Post-It notes, that from now on will be only mine to own. He's in my sunny days and stormy nights, in 3 am phone calls and throaty laughs. He's in pointless conversations I couldn't seem to ignore and now in the silence that fills my house every time I come home.
He's in my dreams and in the way I used to smile.
But most of all, he's in my heart, and I can't say goodbye.