I’m going to go into a depression here, shortly. But that’s okay, because it’s bound to happen one way or another. The best thing is to be prepared. But you see, I am not prepared, nor do I think I ever will be. Dealing with depression is all a manner of tying the noose… or even slipping it. I had let myself go.. All I once stood for was lost amongst the poor feelings and laziness that clouded my whole existence. This is what depression feels like, kid.

I don't need a lullaby.

I'm tired of being told to sleep it off and that it'll all be better tomorrow because sometimes you wake up feeling as desperate (if not more so) than before.

Pretty lyrics aren't going to remedy ugly scathing words and a soft, slow melody isn't going to cover up the irregular sound of a heart trying to beat in a rhythm it doesn't remember.

So kindly stop trying to force me to enjoy a happy tune I don't want to sing and give me a song that's honest and angry and raw like I am because at least then I don't have to pretend everything is just fine.

two beats. one heart
    i want to become one with you.
love love love.

     one? what is one? 
    the lowest cardinal number. 
     half of two. 
    
you? one...
     You're? the one. 
two beats. one heart
 us? one.
one? you. myself. ; peculiar beings ; one? we are one. 
              
always and forever, I have hoped to find the one.
always and forever, I have hoped to find she. who amounts to one .
you? her? one? my love.
forever and always I hope to have you as one. 
forever and always I hope to become one with you.

catharsis. 
the word said like a mantra. 
the word said like the last prayer.
the word amounting to; you. one. Nirvana. serendipity.
      four words; four hearts; one.

through you many things have been found, love, lust, love, serendipity, nirvana, catharsis, love , art, love. 
    
together? catharsis ; can become. 
two beats. one heart.
two hearts. one beat.
   in sync. love.
i love you
   three words. mantra.
you you you. i love you.
catharsis; you and i. forever and always. Nirvana. 
 Words; life. You; life support. Us; love, hope.
 
well hoped.

Who was I and what was I doing? I had learned that I was one of the many people who have been lost. We were all trying to figure out something big and great. And perhaps we did figure it out.. Maybe we were all just too blind to see it.

No one gets me.. Not even my own mother. And that’s okay, cos no one really is supposed to get anyone. Where would all the fun in life be if we got people? There wouldn't be any fun.. life is an experiment, and throughout this experiment we test ourselves. We learn, we love, we hate, we cry and sleep and die and pass out and embrace and live.. all at one time. We learn throughout the experiment the true essence of ourselves, but never of other people. And maybe in the end, we never did quite figure ourselves out.

Looking out this double-paned plate glass window into the gray frigidity and red-leaved bitterness of October in one of the last wild and still-untamed bastions of freedom in the west at the mountains thinking about how even they are moving, my darling, and how the spaces in between them are growing just like the space in between the sun and the earth and the space between all the galaxies all at once and the space between the spaces between the world and I and soon I’ll just be floating all by my lonesome in some swirling pool of- not air, no, not even air, just nothingness and watching everything float away like disappearing city limits from the tailgate of a truck on cruise control zipping across the badlands and maybe you’ll be there but going the opposite way and there’ll be nothing to do but watch it all go, go, go, til it’s
gone, gone, gone

In order to dance to the beat of your drum
You must have a sense of rhythm.
There's no use in hitting the beats on occasion
Because you'll end up sounding the way everyone does.
Just like them.

In order to wear the clothes no one does
You must have a sense of style.
There's no use in clashing your patterns or prints
Because that's a fashion and so in the end you'll be
Just like them.

But there are only so many beats you can play
Only so many colours in the rainbow
There's no possible way you can be so different
Because you are doing the very thing that makes you the same.
You're trying so hard to be the person no one understands
The person who's a mystery, who's just so different
That in doing it you've only become
Just like them.